Silver Lining

"Every cloud has a silver lining..."

"Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit."
-anonymous


The greatest things i have experienced in my life, the ones i am most grateful for, and have made me extremely happy, all started with a downfall. The result of something i thought broke my spirit. There's a reason for everything... i truly believe that. Now, more than ever. As stupid as chliches may seem (and they're the worst when you're not in the mood to hear them), they're cliches for a reason. They really do mean something.

The past 4 years of my life made me feel more "grown up" than ever. At first, i found it to be so unfair... to hand over a burden to someone so young. Was it not enough that i wasn't able to achieve certain dreams and goals that i had planned for myself? Did i not step up to my responsibilities enough? I thought it was all enough. I thought i had paid my dues. I thought wrong.

I started making my own money at the age of 17. The same year i stopped getting an allowance. I never set foot on a college campus with the intention of learning or going to school. It was always just for a visit... even though growing up as a geek, it was the only thing i ever wanted after high school. Yes, i live for white picket fences, SUVs, the modern woman and the whole shebang. I wanted the picture perfect life. I grew up in a small city, the homey environment, friendly faces, and pretty neighborhoods... other than that, i guess you can say it's just in my nature.

I didn't grow up with the easiest life. Then again, nobody did. We all think we have our own problems to deal with, but right now, i'm not really vying for the "my-so-called-life-sucked-and-i-deserve-a-break" award. I'm heading towards a more positive note... that the shitty things in life happen for a reason, no matter how unbearable they may seem at that point.

The Surprise
I had Dylan when i was 20 years old. My sister just turned 20 about 3 months ago... and i can't imagine someone that young stepping up to something so serious. Being a parent is no joke. A single parent, at that. Kudos to those who have become parents at an even younger age and managed to get by alright.
I'm not ashamed to admit that, the first time i found out i was pregnant, i thought it was the end of the world. Human nature. My life had just begun and there were so many things going on in my life that still had to be dealt with. I couldn't handle a baby. Not just yet.
It wasn't a walk in the park trying to get used to the fact that i was about to bring another human being into the world. But i gathered every ounce of strength i had in me, tried to do everything right during the pregnancy, and was blessed with a wonderful baby boy.
He's the most incredible person to me, and i would not trade him in for anything. I can't imagine life without him and i love him with everything that i am.
Huge turn-around isn't it? From my life being over to receiving the greatest gift i could ever ask for?
How typical.
It's no secret he was unplanned. I'm only being honest.
And yes, it does get tough, and it does make things a lot more difficult having to support and raise a child... only parents may understand this. But it truly is worth it.

The Loss
Dylan's dad and i decided to end the relationship when Dylan was only 10 months old. Yes, i called it, he didn't want it that way... and at the end of it all- i think people saw me as the bitch who ruined the "family". It's common for people to believe this because in their eyes, nobody could be nicer than this guy. His reputation was built upon how "nice" he was. You wouldn't believe me unless you actually know him...
I made a decision and stuck with it. I grew up with a big family, my parents were always around, and my siblings were always my playmates. I grew up loving the family environment. This was important to me. It was something he wasn't.
I made the move, not just for myself, but for Dylan as well. I tried everything to make it work. I begged, and pleaded, adjusted, made my own sacrifices... even threatened to leave... only to have the same result- nothing.
A bona fide workaholic, it was his nature. I wasn't gonna put up with this for the rest of my life. I couldn't. It was so against my principles and i did what i felt was the healthier option for me and my child.
The love and the friendship diminished along with the relationship. Someone who i once considered to be my best friend and someone i loved deeply, little by little, turned into a stranger. The phone calls stopped and the texts became minimal. There were no more exchanges of words to support each other. Just plain communication. Exchange of information.
More often than not, i channel a lot of my frustration towards him. I think of everything i had to go through, both physically and mentally. The changes and the pain i had to endure. My life completely flipped on me... and he went about like nothing ever changed. Like having a kid was the same thing as buying just another pair of shoes. He always did have someone else to clean up after his own mess.
Sometimes i'm appauled at how i think of someone who used to be so important to me. Am i really that bitter? Can i be blamed though?
You will never fully understand until you see it through my eyes. Until you fill in my shoes and walk through every single heartwrenching moment i had to live through. Life was great when it was just the two of us... but the minute responsibility put its foot through the door, i felt as if i had to go through it alone. Abandoned, almost. I gave up everything i knew to make it easy for him (i stand by this, and those who dare refute me will lose, i guarantee it). I got excuses in return and a fight that wasn't even fought for.
I'm glad marriage was never something i opted for. That would have made the situation even more of a nightmare- tenfold.

So there i was. A single parent. A "fatherless" child. What good could possibly come of it?
Moving back with my family gave me the freedom to have a life of my own but at the same time still be the mom i'm supposed to be.
Dylan is now growing up in a healthy family environment- 2 moms, outstanding father figures, and an aunt and 2 uncles that are more like siblings than authority figures who love him with every fiber in their body.
A huge change that scared me in the beginning opened up doors to something that made life that much better. Thank goodness.

The Tragedy
2 years ago i experienced something i wish upon nobody.
An incident that happened in a club resulted in gunfire that killed a man and injured 6 others. I was one of the injured. I wasn't able to walk for about 3 months and nearly lost the use of my right leg- thank goodness i didn't, and i was even considered to be the luckiest out of the bunch. And by luck, i really mean luck. (You can check out the blog i posted about the eperience here).
I became angry, bitter, paranoid, and lost faith in people so quickly. It changed me as a person and started to become someone i didn't quite like.
It was hard for me to deal with because not only did it leave a scar on my leg- it scarred me mentally. So much hate and anger accumulated inside me.
I had just started getting my life back on track and was taking care of my son. I didn't do anything wrong.
Little did i know that something so tragic would lead to better things in life.**
As stupid as the following may sound... bear with me. It is merely a perspective and something that i have pondered upon over and over again in the past 2 years. I'm convinced i have finally made sense of it.

It gave me the extra nudge (more like, shove, even) to gather up enough strength to move out of my ex's house and stay with my family permanently. I have this problem of being too nice and i didn't wanna deprive them of experiencing life with Dylan... so i made that sacrifice and couldn't stand up for myself- no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel.
I got out of there permanently and yes, i think it was the "easy" way out. I did it without confrontation (i tend to avoid conflict and personal confrontation), and most people would call me chicken. I'm still learning. I hope that one day, i get over this fear and prevent people from stepping all over me.

It opened my eyes to the option of a better life- anywhere but here. I realized that this is not the ideal place to be raising a family to my liking and this incident motivated me to take the necessary steps to finding a better life elsewhere. I wouldn't have accepted it, otherwise.

It drove me straight into the path of a man i fell in love with.
After Dylan was born and the break up with his father, i kind of accepted the fact that it could just be Dylan and i for the rest of my life. I totally scratched off the possibility of a happy marriage and even life with a big family. I didn't think it would be possible and i was traumatized for certain reasons. I shunned commitment and said that i would do with my life what i want without having to look for love. I've gone this far on my own, i can do it for a whole lot longer.
Being injured did a lot of things to me. It hurt me physically and i was mentally disturbed. I sank into a deep depression and found refuge in someone i had only started to really know just a week before it all happened. I had known him for years but our relationship wasn't anything solid. Friends, but more of an acquaintance, really.
Interesting enough, he was the only person who made me feel like the world was still a good place. When everything was chaotic, i found peace with him and felt safety like i never have before. He was my silver lining.
I had great difficulty taking care of Dylan at the time because my leg put limitations on what i could do. This only depressed me even more... my parents constantly had to tell him not to go near me because he could hurt me even more. It broke my heart.
My dad thought that i needed all the help i could possibly get- anything to get me out of the rut i was in. Ian was my ticket. The only reason i was ever able to spend so much time with him was because of my injury. He was studying to be a doctor, my parents trusted him enough knowing he could take care of me. I couldn't take care of Dylan, so i might as well spend my healing time doing something for my own good. Ian was my therapy.
He was more of a refuge than a getaway. It never would have happened if it wasn't for my injury. I truly believe that. I would have remained the devoted, single mom, shunning love and working too hard.
Something we both didn't expect- we fell head over heels in love and couldn't do without each other. 2 years down the road, we're more in love than ever and we're even working towards a future together. The most incredible man i have ever met and the greatest love i have ever experienced.

The Conclusion
There is always a balance in life. The greatest things in life come from hardship. It is earned... and most of the time unexpected.
A rainbow only comes out after it rains.

I'm writing about this because i'm about to make some big decisions in my life. Decisions that scare the crap out of me and i know, without a doubt, that some f***ed up $#!+ is coming along with it. I'm looking forward to the pay off... but dreading the journey to get there.
I'm constantly trying to remind myself that only good can come of it... that everything will turn out okay in the end. But it's always easier said than done. Always.
That's just something i'm gonna have to deal with.
I need constant reminding that the hardship i'm about to go through is gonna be worth it.



**disclaimer:
i'm not saying anyone should go out and get shot or look for tragedies or depend on mishaps to turn their life around. I really just meant that shitty things open doors for better things. It's like the slap in the face to wake you the f*** up. I'll leave it at that. I really don't see a reason why i should be defending myself here.