Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Those serious Flashbacks

I've always been sentimental. It's a great trait, however, a weakness at the same time. They say it's good to remember... it's just not good to dwell. Like i've said before- there's a reason why people "say" these things... there's gotta be some truth to it.

In a nutshell, a lot of things from my past have resurfaced. Some are simpler than others... and a good chunk of it- i have no idea what to do with it.

My move to Manila in the middle of my teens caused an uproar in my life. Life was perfect where i was, and i couldn't believe my parents decided to move me elsewhere for "my own good". I wasn't convinced. I had high hopes that i would be going back home anyway... that moving here, they would soon find out, was all a big mistake.
I was living in the past. Holding on to memories that were slowly being replaced. Living vicariously through the phone calls and emails that i so often received from friends. They were moving on without me... leaving the past behind and enjoying their present. I was grasping on to something that was fading and resenting everything that was right in front of me. It was something i couldn't understand at the time. My dad knew it was tearing me up inside.
He had to sit me down and give me another one of his talks. He had to explain to me that this was it. I had to move on and let go. It was the only way to make things better. It was time to stop feeling bad for myself.

So i did. The pictures on the walls came down. Banners from my "old" school were put away. The phone calls decreased. The emails thinned out. Eventually, i lost touch with these friends... and i built a new life in Manila.

It took me 9 years to think about all of this all over again.
You have to understand... when i let go of my past, i put everything away. And when you lock up something for so long... it tends to be left forgotten.
Unless it's accidentally stumbled into or found.
Unless you're asked about it.
Unless you see something that is an incredibly vivid reminder of it.
Unless you run into someone that ultimately refreshes your memory about all of it.
Unless you go looking for it yourself.

Now understand this... it was my past. I let it go. I got over it. I've built a new life... and i kinda like it. It's great to reminisce, it's awesome catching up... but sometimes, the past is better off left in the past.
Sometimes, you can't make up for lost time.
In over a decade, things have happened. People DO change.
Sometimes, the present doesn't give enough room for the things in the past to just shove its way in.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was for a different purpose...
I don't know for sure...
But what i do know is- it was good. You can't take that away from it.
I guess it's still inconclusive.

I know this may sound a bit heavy. It shouldn't be that serious.
All i'm saying is... i'm dealing with the present and making plans for the future... and all of that on its own is hard enough as it is.
Having ghosts in my closet jump back in my life wasn't part of the plan, and I'm not entirely sure of what i'm supposed to do.

Life, once again, is using me for plain amusement.
Thank you.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Intense highland fever & serious flashbacks

It was so good to be home.
I haven't been out of Manila (with the intention of getting much needed R&R) in over 2 years. The last time i was home wasn't exactly a joyful occasion. This was it. The "vacation" i was waiting for- it's just a bit strange that my vacation is set at a place where i grew up.

Baguio is different now. The familiar places look beaten down and neglected. The new places and random buildings that have popped up everywhere look so out of place. There's traffic! And the scent of pine is almost non-existent.
It's shocking what time can do to such a beautiful place.

But there are places that have been left untouched. Streets that look exactly the same as if i was on it just yesterday on my way to school. Random stops on the side of the road where i used to take breaks when i would ride my bike. My old school where i spent a chunk of my childhood and experienced some of the most memorable times of my life. My house.

I love going home. It reminds me about who i really am. It awakens long forgotten stories that should be remembered. It just brings me back to a really good time in my life... and i'm happy it will always be like that.

The past few months have been very heavy. The holidays whizzed past me and i didn't even notice it come and go. I've been spreading myself quite thin and i've been running myself to the ground. My dad thought i should go home so that i could "find myself".
I planned to go home, appreciate the peace and quiet, read a few books, drink lots of coffee, eat at all my favorite places (all 2 of them. haha) think, and write. Write a lot, actually.
It didn't go quite as i planned. But in a good way, make no mistake about that.

i have so many things running through my head right now.
I'm still in Baguio mode (thus, the highland fever) and i can't manage to get back into the swing of Manila. I'm trying to sort things out and go about my life like i have to all at the same time. Does that even make any sense?

I ran into a friend that i haven't spoken to in about 11 years. Serious flashback, that was.
but i can't think. I can't write. A part of me wants to put all of this down on paper... and a huge part of me just wants to keep it all to myself.
Maybe i'll just have to continue this some other time.