Monday, March 30, 2009


*no, i'm not talking about the movie.


There is a fine line between being deeply in love and crossing the brink of insanity.
It has been proven that heartache may be considered to be a probable cause of death.
Majority of suicides/suicide attempts can be linked to heart break.
It has been documented that husbands who kiss their wives in the morning before leaving for work can live up to five years longer than those who don't.
Historically, being in love has been viewed as a mental illness.


I have 5 more years to go... am i crazy?
I have so much faith in him... is that beautiful?

For the past year and a half, i have told my story time and time again.
Yes, i'm in a long distance relationship.
No, i didn't believe in it either.
Yes, i'm waiting 5 more years- it used to be 6 though, one year down! *thumbs up*
No, we're not seeing other people.
Yeah, i'm really not gonna be having sex.
No, no visits. We won't see each other at all in the next 5 years.

And i get one of two responses:
a) Wow. Good luck with that. I really hope it works out.
b) Jesus. That's not gonna last.

Most frequently asked questions:
Do you talk everyday?
You must really think he's the one, huh?
You really think you'll be able to hang on?
-That's the plan.
Aren't you worried that you'll waste your youth waiting for him?
-No. It wasn't really a concern til you brought it up. Thanks.
How do you do it?
-With a crazy mind and a lot of love.

Everyone thinks that being in a long distance relationship is something that's up for discussion. You don't see people going up to a couple in a horrid, abusive relationship and voicing out their concerns though. Why is that?

So many people have so little faith in what love could possibly be. True, this might not work out. It's a possibility that i might wait years for nothing. But just because the future isn't written in stone doesn't mean i have to give up now.

You have to understand that my whole life changed when i fell in love with this guy. To think it was something we tried to avoid right from the beginning. I guess that's why they call it "falling" in love. You really just fall into it. I don't think we generally get to pick who it is that manages to sweep us off our feet and turns us head over heels in love.
When you find something good in your life, you keep it. You fight for it. If you think it's worth it, you give it everything you have. That's how important we are to each other.
Of course it gets hard... but the question isn't "Can i really do this?". It's actually, "Is he worth it?"
I had a checklist for my "ideal guy". This list was scrapped when Ian and i got together... because he didn't just meet the standards- he added more onto it.

I might sound like a lovesick moron. But i'm stating my case and these are the facts. Word of advice: never tell someone in a long distance relationship that it's not gonna work out or that they shouldn't be in it. It's not like we haven't weighed out our options. You don't MAKE someone do this- it's a conscious decision. We also don't need your lack of encouragement.
One basic rule applies to all of this- if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

One person's trash is someone else's treasure. His imperfections to someone else might just be the little things i fell in love with. The world is right when i'm with him. And even though we can't physically be together right now, knowing that he is a huge part of my life is still better than not having him in it at all.

We carry on with other priorities in our lives during our time apart. We know that this category is settled though. We focus on different aspects of our lives, and trust that when the time is right, everything will fall into place. Our time spent as each other's friend, confidante, and companion will never be seen as a waste of time. And even after a year and a half without seeing each other, our love is only stronger than it's ever been.

5 years is nothing compared to the rest of your life. Well, given that you live the average life span, anyway. What's a few years? A small sacrifice is well worth it. The most important things in this life are usually earned. Trust. Friendship. Loyalty. Respect. Love.

There is a rare, handful of people that find true love in their lifetime... even less discover that it is, in fact, their one true love. I don't know how that feels and i'm not exactly sure if i would know what it was if it slapped me across the face... but i imagine it can't possibly be far from what it feels like to be with Ian.
i have this unwavering faith in him. I root for him like my life
depended on it. I care for him as if he was a part of me.
When we're together, time stops and the world fades into the background.
I love him because he is my other half.
He brings out the best part of who i am... and i will forever be grateful.
I find myself going through the motions of the day, doing what i have to do, and at the end of it all, realize that every passing moment, is always time that leads me to him.

Ian once told me that what we have made him understand how love was depicted in music and in the movies.
[I should probably stop there and not go any further with quotes from my significant other to avoid bruising the male ego. =p]
But i can assure you that the feelings are mutual.
We have gone through ups and downs, like any normal couple. We've made our compromises and have settled scores many times over. We've seen each other through some of the toughest things in each others' lives. We have a few hurdles to jump over and i'm sure there will be other obstacles in the way- but what couple doesn't, and how does that make us any different?

Not being physically together is tough. It's important, but it's not THE most important thing. If you know you've found someone who understands you, treats you right, loves you for who you are, and is willing to stand by your side always, and helps you become the best you can be- you've already done something right.
People throw sex around. You can't ever say the same thing about Love. The feeling in itself is already sacred as it is.

Being in love with Ian happened so easily.

The world might look at me with raised eyebrows and cynicism in the air, and seeing me, my life, as something absolutely crazy... but what they don't know is, that to me, it's all incredibly beautiful.

And that's all that really matters.

*I love you, Ian Alvarez.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Arbitrary Mind Picks #2

Top 10 facts that are of any concern to me these days:

1) Manila will always be Manila. No matter how long you live here or how long you leave it, it's always gonna be here, and it will always be the same. The buzz of the city is intoxicating and its energy is undeniable. Everything has its pros and cons... but for now, the city, for me, the cons outweigh the pros.

2) I'm happy with the friends that i have chosen to be a part of my life. It's clearer now more than ever. I have no room for excess baggage.

3) I absolutely, without a doubt, love my job.
I need to find work now. haha

4) I've never been this content with my life. For some reason, as soon as the new year began, i had this unwavering faith in life. I had a feeling that everything would be great, and whatever i had a problem with would undoubtedly take care of itself.
I'm having a great time, and i'm all the more happier for it.

5) Summer is coming. It's scary. haha

6) I need to get back on the gym tip. It's no joke. On that note, i need to stick to a diet too. Boo...

7) Dylan doesn't stop talking. haha
He's growing up hella fast... and i'm happy he loves Baguio. Gonna keep him swimming and involved in a ton of activities til we have to leave the city. It's gonna be so much fun. =)

8) Looking forward to moving back home. Everything about it feels like it's the right thing to do.

9) I need to get to Switzerland for Miki's wedding. I have to. I need to find a way. Again, green passport sucks, and boo to me for not keeping up with my bank account. I guess being a "free spirit" got in the way of some things.

[I always thought that if i left my money in the bank, companies would use it for their own benefit and play around with it. I didn't wanna support that. And i think it's true. Too bad bank statements play a huge role in traveling]

10) I need to find a house in Baguio and actually start driving. Ugh.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Reap the fruits of your labor

When i was 3 years old, i wanted to be a professional roller skater. What could be better, right?
Soon after that, i decided that i was gonna ride a BMX for the rest of my life. I couldn't think of anything that could top that.
At the age of 4 i dreamed that one day i was going to dance in front of a large audience and stun them with my grace and talent as a Prima Ballerina. Dancing consumed me and it's the only thing i can remember from that age.
Somewhere around 6 or 7 i was set on being a Nun. I don't remember why, exactly, but the thought of childbirth scared me... being a Nun prevented that, and that reason was good enough for me, i suppose.
When i was 8, my dad built my siblings and i a tree house. It was the best tree house ever, complete with 2 swings and a trapeze that hung from its panels. I claimed the trapeze and not too soon after, i learned all sorts of tricks. This gave me the idea of joining the circus, living a life of fun and entertainment, and i would be a part of the flying trapeze act. The mere thought of it was exciting.
Years after, when i thought i had made more sense, and i thought i knew what i was doing, my ambition focused on becoming a Marine Biologist. A life with the ocean, exploring the depths of the sea and making discoveries on unchartered territory. It was even an excuse i used to allow me to take French in 7th grade as opposed to the mandatory Filipino/Tagalog- i wanted to work with Jacque-Yves Cousteau, my dad told them.

After a little bit more of growing up, i went from Psychologist to Teacher to Bar Tender to Beach Bum. Beach Bum to Professional Dancer, Dancer to DJ, Single Mom/DJ to Interior Designer?

I keep thinking to myself, that along with these odd ambitions and/or "jobs" came a lifestyle. The whole time i was envisioning my future as what it was i was doing for a living, a whole different life came along with it.

Obviously, if i was a professional roller skater, i would be a health freak. I'd have to be in shape. Probably single with no kids. Same goes for the BMX junkie. Besides, living in a "man's world", i'd probably have to work extra hard to up my game. The competitive nature brings that out in me.

If i was a Marine Biologist, i'd have 2 kids and a husband, we'd live on the beach and own our own boat. I didn't care about fancy fur coats or to-die-for stilettos. I lived in board shorts, bikinis, and sun block. My hobbies included smoking a lot of herb and surfing. Also, i never had to go on vacation.

A life being a Nun... i don't even know if i wanna go there. I'm the least religious person i know... i can barely commit to lunch with the girls, i'm expected to commit my entire being to... God? Okay, this is turning controversial.

Moving on...

Follow me.
I see life starting out as a seed (which we were anyway). From that point on it grows... and for as long as it is alive, it grows and expands. Soon, it'll start to branch out (like literally). Now, i see this point of branching out as the "fork in the road". It was either you went left of right. So the lifeline of your tree begins to expand, and this tree being YOU is creating various lives making one parallel universe after the other. Do you see where i'm going with this?

With one experience. one decision made, another branch is created. The entire tree holds the story to your entire life. The what ifs to various situations- it's all there.

The end product of this tree is a flower or a fruit. A tree has more than one flower/fruit. Therefore, your life could have had a million different outcomes, and with that, a million different "forks in the roads". (You know what i mean)
What if you could go back in time and take a different path, make another choice, do something different, or say something you hadn't or vice versa. You'd wind up a whole different fruit... that sounds weird, so i'll just say- you'd wind up a completely different YOU.

For as long as i can remember, i've had a vision of my future one way or another. My future could have gone as far as 24 years old, but it was my future, at that time, nonetheless. We are brought up to believe in ourselves, envision our future, and achieve a certain ambition. We dream of our ideal life and what we'd want to be. We grow up with this thinking that one day, it'll all come true.

For some, they reach a point in their lives where they stop dreaming. Their ambition is blurred, and their ideal future begins to fade. They settle. What happens if you let go of your vision and simply live life as it is presented to you? It's not what you want to do, but it's everything you have to do.

So you do the laundry, you make breakfast, lunch and dinner. You take the kids to school, you pick them up from school, you help with homework and tuck them into bed. You do the groceries, pay the bills, work out a little, and get some paper work done. You surf the net, write your friends, play with the kids, and call your parents. You do some shopping, write in your diary, take a few pictures and organize a birthday party.
Years go by and you realize you've never been farther from what it was you pictured yourself to be 15 years ago as you are now. You look back and see that you got caught up in routine and lived a mediocre life. You did some things great. Others, you could have done better. Think a bit harder, and you start to see the things you only wish you could have done.

So what really happens when you stop dreaming?
Who's to say that the other flower is better than the other?

Friday, March 13, 2009

A Wedding, Unemployment, A Reunion, and then nothing...

"THE" wedding that we've been anticipating for the longest time came and went. It was the busiest week i have ever had in a loooooooong time. The wedding, was, as expected, exquisite to the core and wow, did we all have such a great time.
From this experience, i have learned:

1) I will make sure that i pick my bridesmaids according to how much work they are capable of handling and how they manage with stress. Making sure they're all beautiful is a bonus- it does so well for the pictures (even though that sounds completely shallow... i'm lucky because all my girls are gorgeous anyway).

2) Make sure that you have absolutely nothing planned the day after- because post-wedding can be just as much fun (or even more) as the wedding day itself. And
nothing beats "absolutely nothing"- chill, chill, chill.

3) If the venue is located at a far-off place, all the guests should just never leave. It makes for more fun that way- it sucked seeing all the sober people leave because they were preparing themselves for the 2 hour drive back to the city. =(

4) Lots of alcohol makes for interesting pictures.
What am i talking about? I knew that even before the wedding. haha

5) Threelogy is totally hired and recommended to handle wedding AVPs. WOW.

6) Tug of war is not a good wedding game. haha

7) Secret alcoholic beverage is key. =p

8) Special video presentation from close friend leads to tears and makes for good jokes. haha

[this is turning into inside jokes, i'll stop now]


This might be the first time in my life since i started working where i'm not stressed out, or in a state of panic over not having any gigs lined up for me. It must be because i know something will come up, eventually, and well, i really needed the vacation.
I love my job and everything that has anything to do with it. Looking for music, digging up lost/forgotten tunes, discovering the new "bangers", laughing over the stupid new singles that come out, late night practice sessions, late night recordings, traveling, entertaining a crowd, drinking on the job (haha) and of course, being able to kick it with my people.
Seriously, what's not to love? I'm no major sensation by any means, and my name isn't recognized when it's put out there... but it's fun, it's gotten me by, it's shown me some serious things i wouldn't have experienced otherwise, and i'm working with something i'm passionate about. Not a lot of people can say that about their work.
I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

So... unemployment turned out to be a breath of fresh air and it came right on time for the big reunion i had to be in Baguio for anyway. Therefore, while i was up there, i didn't have to worry about missing work or think of what i had to catch up on when i got back. Everything played out well and not having a job turned out to be more of a blessing than anything else.

The Reunion:

My school turned 100 years old last week.
The faces i saw, the scenes that played out, and the sounds i heard were things i haven't experienced in over a decade. Insane.
It was absolutely wonderful.
There's something about reconnecting with your past that's so refreshing. Being able to relive your fondest memories, and being reminded of the things that have slipped your mind but are great nonetheless.
It's good to know that some things that you deem important are shared by many others. It wasn't something stupid that only affected you. You weren't alone in the thought. To me, that's pretty damn cool.

My favorite would have to be the canteen (cafeteria) stories. There was a discussion brought up about how the new people working at the new canteen were actually NICE. We had this cranky old woman that used to yell at us or take our orders in the crankiest manner. "o, you?? what you want??" In the best Filipino-English accent you can come up with, whilst pointing her finger at you with a grim look on her face.
She was nice when there were teachers or parents in the vicinity. Other than that, she was just cranky. haha
But we got used to her and even though she carried on with that attitude, the students didn't seem to mind.
Then, a certain point was brought up, "Well, have you seen the new students during break? They line up, and they're actually pretty nice. Remember how we were?"
We only had 20 minutes recess time. The Canteen was a small room with one counter for the food, and another tiny counter for the drinks. 20 minutes. All the students. What did you expect, right?
"MANAAAAAAANG!!! MANANG!!!" Yelling and pushing and money in the air. It wasn't something too far from a scene you would see in the movies... of agents on Wall Street.
"We weren't the greatest kids... i'm sure she was pretty nice before then."

The school has changed a lot since i used to go there.
It's really more beautiful than ever.

...and then NOTHING:

After all the hubbub and excitement i collapsed into a 14 hour REM state. It was incredible. And i woke up with absolutely nothing to do.
At last, there was peace. Not to say that all the excitement was a bad thing... but i guess i'm not as crazy as i used to be and a week long of crazy was all i could really take. I was recharged and ready for what my vacation was supposed to be for- cleansing. haha. In the mental sense, anyway.
I was able to write, watch DVDs, read books, and write some more. I was very happy with my accomplishments, and glad to report that i'm awesome. =p

Looking forward to the daily grind in the city... and just fully amazed that i can actually say i've reached IRIE. well, for now, anyway.