Friday, September 3, 2010

8 Years

The weather lately has been extremely conducive to sleep. I had a tough time willing myself out of bed today. I act like a morning person solely for my son's benefit.

I make the coffee and i prepare Dylan's breakfast. Okay, fine. I really meant- i put the cereal out.
We get ready for school, i drop him off . I chat with a few parents on my way out. I walk down Brent road. I wait for a cab in traffic-congested Leonard Wood. Fail. I jump on a jeepney. The ride doesn't pass my street so i hop off at the corner and make that long, uphill trudge towards my building. It's pouring cats and dogs, by the way.

I'm back at the apartment, i make more coffee, i go online, check my messages, and go on Facebook (naturally). I greet a dear friend a very happy birthday. I glance up, the right top hand corner of my screen to make sure i greeted him on the right day. It says:
Fri Sep 3 8:36 AM.

"September 3", i think to myself. "September 3... what's with September 3?"

You know those times when you know you're supposed to remember something but it just won't come to you? It's at the tip of your tongue, you're almost there, but you can't quite put a finger on it? That's what it felt like.
(eg. That one actor from that one movie... what's his name?)

This happens in the span of 2.2 seconds.

"Oh shit."
I pause and just sit and just stare and i took a moment and remembered.
For some reason, i don't approach this day with anticipation. This date hardly ever enters my mind, to tell you the truth. Somehow, on the very day itself, it just hits me. There's no count down, i don't expect it, i'm never prepared for it. It just dawns on me all of a sudden.

I don't know why.

What is it with people reliving traumatic experiences? It's not like celebrating a wedding anniversary or your birthday or Christmas. Why do people get hit so hard on the anniversary of something that has left them with scars? Why do we insist on keeping that memory alive? Experience the pain all over again and feel the agony that was once so unbearable... why?

I lost a great friend 8 years ago. It changed me.

I still remember everything so vividly. As if time had not lapsed and i remember it like it was yesterday. From the phone call i put on silent to the dream i had a year later.
My heart racing, the tears i shed, the scream i let out, and the thoughts that filled my head. Clear as day.

I re-read all my past posts on this experience. I, once again, read that article i came across 5 years ago- the one i so unapologetically bashed the same day i discovered it on Google. Each year i read it differently. This time around i read it from a writer's perspective. Strange how time and/or maturity changes certain things.
It seems i have started a tradition of my own.
I can't decide if it's honorable or just sad.

I gave it a good cry. Took some time out of my day to "talk" to him. I can't believe it was so long ago... and time has done its job on healing this wound. I'm guilt-free, but i apologize, nonetheless. No matter what, i just can't get over those damn shoulda-woulda's.

Will i be remembering this day like this for the rest of my life? It seems to be that one day dedicated to reflection. Seeing how far i've come or how much "good" i've lived up to... in a way, making up for the good he missed out on because of my failure to pick up the phone.
A testament of the tragedy on how death strikes the living- appreciating your own due to the loss of someone else's.

I see him everyday when i make that walk out of school. The stroll from Bridgers to the outdoor basketball court. The memory of him racing down that pathway, the excitement in his voice as he yelled at the surprise of my presence, and that giant hug... the biggest anyone has ever given me, by far.

It's been 8 years and i still miss you.

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