Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Believe.

I've found myself in a rut. I've been told that most people who become successful usually go through these so-called "rock bottoms". I say this a lot- but it's gotta be cliche for a reason.

I've made some pretty big, life changing decisions lately. In all honesty, i have no idea what i'm doing and how to pull all of this off... all i know is that i want to do this and i've never wanted anything so damn bad. I believe that wanting something bad enough has to be a good start- no matter how nerve-racking or migraine-heavy the task at hand, also known as "obstacle", that is put in front of your face is.

A belief in something has to stand for something great. I now have a clearer understanding of how hope plays such a huge roll in the lives of millions and millions of people. We all know this shit is far from easy... but we do it, blindly, hoping that the effort, hard work, blood and tears will all be worth it in the end.

I notice as the days go by that tiny little messages are hidden underneath the grains of salt rubbed into my wounds. There are lessons to be learned and truth to be unveiled. No matter how painful and frustrating- you realize these things, accept them, learn them well, and move on. I am at that point in my life where my tolerance for bullshit is at an all-time low. Get to the point or get out of my face. I'm not playing games anymore. This is the real deal and i mean business.

It's harder to trudge through life realizing the ugly truth left and right. It would be a lot easier to be completely oblivious and ignorant. Keeping it simple is in a way synonymous to keeping your mind closed. The more aware you are of everything that surrounds you, how it affects you, what you want, who you are, and what really matters, the more complicated everything seems to get. How much easier it would be if your main goal in life was to simply be. But that just isn't the case because we're designed to always want more, to strive for better things, and to satisfy one's cravings.

Someone once told me i was aiming too high. To accomplish so much in a short amount of time and dream of "unrealistic" goals. I didn't really know how to take that... since this was a conversation between friends and i take criticism quite well. But it left a bad taste in my mouth, one that i didn't care to have... and it caused me to re-think.

I have butterflies in my stomach every day. A heaving pound in my chest. A migraine that spontaneously manifests at random times of the day. I'm scared half to death and sometimes i just need to shake myself back to normalcy and calm the fuck down. In turn, however, this feeling keeps me motivated to get things done, do better than what i expect from myself, get down with the nitty gritty and hustle.

I wouldn't have decided to chase after my dream if i didn't think they were possible. I didn't drop a good life back home to live miserably in a city of shattered hope.
No. I believe i can do this. I believe in my purpose.

I left 2 years ago believing that my purpose had been served and that something new was waiting for me. I wanted to concentrate on being a mother and concentrate on that alone. Lesson learned: I am not made for domestication and that my entirety is not based on just one thing. I have to do something for myself and be happy in order to be fulfilled- as my own single entity and as Dylan's mom. It didn't occur to me beforehand that parenting and my "dream" job could live harmoniously together. It was either be good at one or the other. Never at both.
I was wrong.
I could never be a happy mom without doing something for myself, and i could never be satisfied with work if i knew i was doing my son wrong.
This will have to work and thus, i will make it.

You know that feeling you get when you're asked to perform in front of the whole school? Your parents are watching, the bullies might make fun of you, you only rehearsed like... yesterday? And your whole class is depending on you to tackle this with perfection?
Pre-performance jitters.
That's what this feels like.
Except this is real life and if i fail, i end up homeless with nothing to eat and i run back to my dad and ask him to save me.
I'm just saying.

Let's do this.

-venting over-

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