Thursday, May 25, 2017

arbitrary mind picks #107

1. Having a baby once before does not make you a pro. Especially if it's been 13 years since said infant was born. No, Ma'am. You start from scratch.

2. A baby can keep you up all night and make you feel like you want to give up on life altogether... and then they crack one smile and it's enough to make you rethink that thought and realize that it's the best thing that's ever happened to you.
-this is what we call programming, because otherwise, the human species would become extinct.

3. Giving domestication another shot. Perhaps it will suit me better in my 30's? Let's find out.

4. I will only be talking about babies from now on. (See old blog "missteaze-ism" from 2004. This will be the remix)

5. Breastfeeding makes me hungry (like food trip on Marijuana hungry), but thinking about food is the farthest thing from my mind. Just feed me. I don't wanna think about it. Oh, that's my responsibility as mother of our household? Dammit.

6. I just felt an earthquake.

7. My siblings just texted that they felt that earthquake all the way in Baguio too. Whattttttttttttttt. Mother Nature is pissed, guys.

8. I don't know why i insist on writing when i should be catching some sleep instead. This is my desperate attempt to get back into managing this blog.

9. Staying at home and taking care of an infant has taught me so much about myself. Like i've learned that i am addicted to social media. I refused to admit that before. It's totally proven now.

10. Must start reading books again.

11. Must remember to take more pictures.

12. Must start working out soon.

13. Did i mention that i went over 200 pounds this pregnancy? Yeah. My feet hate me.
Breastfeeding- do your magic!!!!!!!!

14. I'm trying to practice the art of minimalism. Let's see how this goes.

15. I love my little family. This little heart of mine is grateful and content.

Thursday, May 11, 2017


St. Luke's Global City
Medical Arts Building Elevator

An elderly woman standing behind us at the back of the elevator looks at Alina and says, "You're in this world now. It's a terrible place".
"Yeah, it's scary...", i chime back.
Alina smiles widely and coos at the woman.
She continues, "You're gonna make this world better. You will do great things when you grow up".
Alina smiles and coos again, as if holding a conversation. This continues until we reach our exit on the 6th floor and bid goodbye. "Have a good day! Bye!", we wave behind us, as we thank the elevator operator and go on with our day.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The Moon Stood Still

Introducing the newest member of our family. 
Alina Sabine Arvisu Vea

Born on March 12, 2017 at 11:18pm
5.7 lbs, 18 inches
A head full of hair and the deepest dark eyes

Our hearts just got a little more full, and our lives,
so much brighter.  

Welcome to the world, my little love. You are destined for great things.

Friday, March 10, 2017

A letter to my first born

My Darling Dylan,

When i found out i was pregnant with you, to say i was scared would be an understatement. I was young and reckless, and i felt as if i had no place on this earth to become a mother. There were plenty of nights i worried whether or not i would do a good job. I didn't know if i had what it took to raise a human being. I didn't know a lot of things, and i was far from prepared, but i stepped up to the plate and knew that you were being given to me for a reason. I cried when i heard your heart beat for the very first time. You stopped me dead on my tracks when i felt your first flutter. I bawled when i saw you at your first ultrasound and was told that you were a boy. I bought too many baby clothes that you outgrew in no time. I painted your crib and read all the mommy-to-be books. I picked your name out of a baby names list and wrote it over and over again on the pages of my journal. I wanted and prayed for you to be healthy. You became the most important person to me on the face of this planet. I gaped at you in amazement when i held you in my arms for the very first time as you stared back at me with those big, dark brown eyes. Because of you, i discovered what love truly felt like.

You are the reason i get to be called "Mom". The years have rolled by, and although it feels like our lives have been stacked with memory upon memory over one another, you grew up in the blink of an eye. You will always be my baby, no matter how old you get, how much taller you outgrow me, or how far away you may be. You motivated me to push for a better life, stood as my pillar of strength in times of struggle, and inspired me to lead by example to reach for the stars.

I haven't always been the perfect mother. It was a role that i had to gradually ease into and, until this day, am still trying to get right. Through the years, and some of my life's greatest challenges, we grew up together. I am grateful for your forgiving and loving nature- for tolerating my temper and teaching me patience. I am thankful for your empathetic personality, on days that i needed to cry and your little arms were there to comfort me. I have always tried to do right by you, and i know there were days (quite a lot of them, actually) where i fell short and you loved me anyway. I may not remember every single time you made me laugh or the milestones i was supposed to write down, but i do know that there were endless moments spent on making each other happy, and that was the most important thing to me. For so many reasons, you have always been my life's saving grace. Always remember that i will love you more than you will ever know, no matter what. We made quite the duo, and i will forever be proud of everything we built together as a team. We had some rough days, but i wouldn't change a thing. I cannot imagine my life without you. You are such a wonderful blessing.

I have always given you my very best. I did what i could as i raised you on my own. I tried to fill your childhood with memories that we could look back on together, fondly, for years to come. I tried to teach you as much as i could to prepare you for growing up, and at the same time, shelter you from the cruelty of the world. There is no greater teacher than experience though, and some things, you just have to live through yourself. I know i gave you my all, but there will always be that aching feeling, as a parent, where i wish i could have done more. 

Watching you grow into the young man you have become has been such a pleasure. You continue to make me proud and i have no doubt in my mind that you will easily step into your new role as kuya. You have someone who will look up to you now.

I am lucky to have the kind of relationship and closeness we share. I know that we act like friends sometimes, and i let you get away with a lot of things... but i am your mother first, before anything else. I know i can be hard on you, but I will always look out for you and have your best interest in mind, even if it doesn't seem/feel like it.

You and i will be entering a new phase of our lives together and i want you to know that it has always been a privilege to be your mother. I will always be here for you. Yes, things will be different, but my love for you will always be one of a kind. You will always be my first. The little one the guided me. My North Star.

We're part of a bigger family now- and that only means that there's more love to go around. We will always have your back and you can always run to us for anything. Life only gets better from here and i'm so excited for what's to come.  

There's so much more that i want to say but can't find the words. It's hard to explain to someone you love just how much you really love them. I just want you to know that you make me very happy. The life you and i had was everything i needed at the time, and we grew with so much love. Watching you grow up gave my life so much meaning and indescribable happiness... and i hope that this new chapter in our lives will bring you the same kind of joy.

Loving you always,

Monday, February 27, 2017

If i should have a daughter

(If I Should Have a Daughter) by Sarah Kay

If I should have a daughter…“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”
She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.
And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”
But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.
I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.
You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.
And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.
“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”
Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.
Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.