Friday, March 10, 2017

A letter to my first born

My Darling Dylan,

When i found out i was pregnant with you, to say i was scared would be an understatement. I was young and reckless, and i felt as if i had no place on this earth to become a mother. There were plenty of nights i worried whether or not i would do a good job. I didn't know if i had what it took to raise a human being. I didn't know a lot of things, and i was far from prepared, but i stepped up to the plate and knew that you were being given to me for a reason. I cried when i heard your heart beat for the very first time. You stopped me dead on my tracks when i felt your first flutter. I bawled when i saw you at your first ultrasound and was told that you were a boy. I bought too many baby clothes that you outgrew in no time. I painted your crib and read all the mommy-to-be books. I picked your name out of a baby names list and wrote it over and over again on the pages of my journal. I wanted and prayed for you to be healthy. You became the most important person to me on the face of this planet. I gaped at you in amazement when i held you in my arms for the very first time as you stared back at me with those big, dark brown eyes. Because of you, i discovered what love truly felt like.

You are the reason i get to be called "Mom". The years have rolled by, and although it feels like our lives have been stacked with memory upon memory over one another, you grew up in the blink of an eye. You will always be my baby, no matter how old you get, how much taller you outgrow me, or how far away you may be. You motivated me to push for a better life, stood as my pillar of strength in times of struggle, and inspired me to lead by example to reach for the stars.

I haven't always been the perfect mother. It was a role that i had to gradually ease into and, until this day, am still trying to get right. Through the years, and some of my life's greatest challenges, we grew up together. I am grateful for your forgiving and loving nature- for tolerating my temper and teaching me patience. I am thankful for your empathetic personality, on days that i needed to cry and your little arms were there to comfort me. I have always tried to do right by you, and i know there were days (quite a lot of them, actually) where i fell short and you loved me anyway. I may not remember every single time you made me laugh or the milestones i was supposed to write down, but i do know that there were endless moments spent on making each other happy, and that was the most important thing to me. For so many reasons, you have always been my life's saving grace. Always remember that i will love you more than you will ever know, no matter what. We made quite the duo, and i will forever be proud of everything we built together as a team. We had some rough days, but i wouldn't change a thing. I cannot imagine my life without you. You are such a wonderful blessing.

I have always given you my very best. I did what i could as i raised you on my own. I tried to fill your childhood with memories that we could look back on together, fondly, for years to come. I tried to teach you as much as i could to prepare you for growing up, and at the same time, shelter you from the cruelty of the world. There is no greater teacher than experience though, and some things, you just have to live through yourself. I know i gave you my all, but there will always be that aching feeling, as a parent, where i wish i could have done more. 

Watching you grow into the young man you have become has been such a pleasure. You continue to make me proud and i have no doubt in my mind that you will easily step into your new role as kuya. You have someone who will look up to you now.

I am lucky to have the kind of relationship and closeness we share. I know that we act like friends sometimes, and i let you get away with a lot of things... but i am your mother first, before anything else. I know i can be hard on you, but I will always look out for you and have your best interest in mind, even if it doesn't seem/feel like it.

You and i will be entering a new phase of our lives together and i want you to know that it has always been a privilege to be your mother. I will always be here for you. Yes, things will be different, but my love for you will always be one of a kind. You will always be my first. The little one the guided me. My North Star.

We're part of a bigger family now- and that only means that there's more love to go around. We will always have your back and you can always run to us for anything. Life only gets better from here and i'm so excited for what's to come.  

There's so much more that i want to say but can't find the words. It's hard to explain to someone you love just how much you really love them. I just want you to know that you make me very happy. The life you and i had was everything i needed at the time, and we grew with so much love. Watching you grow up gave my life so much meaning and indescribable happiness... and i hope that this new chapter in our lives will bring you the same kind of joy.

Loving you always,

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