Friday, January 7, 2011

Better Late Than Never

The holiday season whizzed past me faster than ever. It all feels so surreal now- like a dream i can barely remember.

I was in agony the first 2 weeks having 3 of my 4 wisdom teeth extracted. It was one of the worst experiences of my life... to the point that i compare it to child birth. There is nothing like having someone fiddle around in your mouth while you helplessly sit there listening to cracking teeth (hoping it's not your jaw bone- even though it feels as if it could be) for hours. Absolutely horrific. To add insult to injury, the dentist charged me an arm and a leg. I have never felt so ripped off. AND THEN i find out 3 days later that i lost feeling in the left part of my lower lip. Apparently a nerve was clipped. It's been a month... the feeling has not returned.
Like i said- agony.

The next week and a half after that was spent sleep deprived and nearly always intoxicated.
That's nothing surprising since that's always how my days/nights are spent when i'm "visiting" Manila. But all was well worth it as i got to spend some good time with good friends, eat amazing food, create new memories, get some good earned shopping out of the way, and finally- i got to DJ and it felt better than ever.
Manila- it's always a pleasure.

I get back to Baguio 3 days shy of Christmas Eve. The next week and a half are even more of a blur. One Christmas party after the other was enough to make a week blend into what seemed like hours. It got so bad that i seriously lost track as to what day it was. One drunken night greeted by sunlight- again and again, one after the other.
My liver hates me.

There's something about a year coming to an end that forces you to contemplate about yourself and reflect on your life. I see it in everyone. The notes that they write, the conversations that are brought up, the statuses people post on Facebook. People are/were deliberating.

I met the holiday season with so much anxiety. I was fickle and frustrated and so unsure about so many things in my life. I stopped writing because i couldn't sort out all the emotions that were passing through me. I had no structure. I was yearning for a life that felt like so much more than what i had. I needed to break away from a routine i tired of so quickly and step into a world out of my comfort zone. Or so i thought i needed to. Everything that i had asked for not more than 2 years ago had become bland to me.
Basically, I just couldn't figure it out.

I enter 2011 more content and satisfied than i have ever anticipated. My feet are planted firmly on the ground and my eyes have been opened to certain things that the rebel in me so carelessly looked past. I am thankful and grateful and happy. I have grown enormously in the past year and look out into the world with a sort-of changed, yet clearer vision.

I am in love and devoted to the people who are constantly a part of my life and at the same time thankful to those who have slowly, and voluntarily, moved away from me. I am confident when i say that everything really is just as it should be.

2011 greets me with a strict diet and a grueling work out.
My best friend is getting married in less than 4 weeks.
My son is about to lose another tooth. This time he's asking for 500 Php. Damn my siblings. Damn them to hell.
My significant other and i understand each other more than we ever have. And even though our relationship raises so many questions (and eyebrows), there's something about it that makes it just work.
Broccoli is awesome.
It's cold as hell here.
I think it's obvious that i have nothing more to say.

I'm not diving into this year with as much positivity and enthusiasm as i have in the past few years... HOWEVER, i do meet it with respect and gratitude. I greet it with maturity that tells me i will learn a whole lot more, i will cry a little and curse the gods, i will celebrate triumphs, and perhaps vomit every now and then from letting loose a bit too much. I will make new friends and cross paths with people who have learned not to like me as much as my real friends do. I will put my foot down even more than i did last year. I will stand up for myself and my beliefs more and concede, as i always do, when i know i've made a mistake. I will apologize when i have to and perhaps this will be the year where i will learn to finally control this hot temper of mine. Maybe i'll quit smoking for good, but i figured that won't happen until the day comes where Dylan is granted a sibling. I said "maybe" anyhow. I will take more photos, paint a picture that's been waiting to be created, and become more open minded to "new" music. I will be a shoulder to cry on, i'll give my 2 cents, and somewhere along the way will need someone to do the same for me. I'll try not to eat too much fat, or say i won't but end up eating it anyway. I've already begun to cut down on butter so i guess i'll just continue with that. I will understand more and more what kind of a mother i really want to be. My life will unravel as it should in all its glory and no matter what the universe brings- i will live the shit out of it.

Cheers to love and laughter in 2011.

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