Let It Grow

We're having a baby.
And well seasoned food.
Both make me extremely happy.
Definitely one more than the other. 

arbitrary mind picks #106

1. Closing out my 5 year rotation in Makati and moving on to bigger and better things.
I am beyond excited to be moving into our new home in about 2 weeks!!! *HAPPY DANCE*

2. Shopping for home stuff and appliances, picking out paint color and shelves... totally the new sexy. I'll take that over lingerie any day.

3. Trust your instincts.
I took a sip out my shake today and there was a cockroach in it. Funny thing was, the second i took a sip, i thought, "Tastes like cockroach..." (Don't ask me how i know, i just do). Still continued to sip. Why...

4. We have a secret and i'm excited for the big reveal... =D

5. Health regimen is still doing pretty good. But between moving our stuff and working, it hasn't been as vigorous as i would have liked it to be. But, nonetheless, i'm glad i don't feel like shit anymore and getting into the habit was a good start to healthy living. I actually happen to like Quinoa (a lot), and i think snacking on corn and bananas are fine by me. I must really be getting old.

6. 11 Days nicotine free. I'm surprised i haven't killed anybody.
But i did cry about it today. Oh well.

7. The more i read the news (i don't even know where to start with this one) and the more i deal with shady a** F*ckers (1611 landlord, dude that owes me money, and Metrobank, I'm looking at you!), the more i lose faith in humanity. Seriously, a little consideration could go a long way... and honestly, how hard is it to just do THE RIGHT GOD DAMN THING.

8. I'm not a fan of road rage.

9. Dylan and i have been boycotting McDonald's.

10. I can't remember the last time i ever looked forward to something THIS much. I'm over the moon with this shit. I can't even explain it.

Turning pages and new leaves

"Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself."

— Daniell Koepke

This has been simmering in my mind for quite some time now. The ways of the world, they call it. The Universe and its master plan.

You stumble upon people from all over the world, various walks of life, and their own story to tell. We are all different. This is a fact. You pick your tribe, sometimes your family, and you usually choose carefully who stays and who goes. The older you get, the smaller and tighter your circle becomes. This is a process. A much needed one, if you ask me.

There will come a point in your life when you have to make the decision on whether you try harder or simply walk away. You will realize that there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and making decisions that pave the way to your own happiness. Even if it means going there without them.

I keep talking about dodged bullets and unchained shackles. The truth is, Daniell Koepke couldn't have said it any better. I believe we all deserve to be happy and that we were not put on this planet doomed to misery and anguish. Now, more than ever, i know that settling for mediocrity is a coward's way out. Because right behind that gate of fear was everything i had ever wanted. All i had to do was jump.

Ultimately, the universe has your back. Don't ignore the signs. It will tap you on the shoulder every now and then... don't wait for it to drop kick you in the face. 

A reason to celebrate

Our home for 5 days was not too shabby, as i lazed the hours away in sunshine, sand, salt water, and the occasional monsoon downpour + habagat winds. It was my first time in Bohol (and our 5th installment in conquering places that start with the letter "B"- Bacolod, Bali, Baguio, Boracay), and although i was not able to gawk in awe at the wonder that was the Chocolate Hills, I couldn't have asked for a better way to greet my 33rd year of life.

 

The best part of my birthday, however, hovered 480 feet above a ravine, connecting 2 mountains together, in what felt like one of the most exhilarating and magical 60 seconds of my life. I'm, of course, talking about the SUISLIDE. A zipline, known as the highest in the country, that i practically bullied my boyfriend into going on with me. It was awesome. And i love him.

33 Years is a long time to be alive... even crazier to think just how many more years we have left to go. I have never been more excited about the future and so grateful for everything i have in my life. I am a very, very lucky girl.

Arbitrary Mind Picks #105

1. Day 25 on my road to health and fitness- and my God, does this shit hurt. It was definitely easier in my 20's, i can tell you that.
However, my clothes are starting to fit better, the huffing and puffing is down to a minimum, i am no longer tired, and my body is thanking me. The difference a few changes can make is just shocking.

2. I could still totally go for an entire plate of Carne Asada Nachos right about now.

3. A life without alcohol is something i didn't foresee so near into my future... but i'm more than happy it worked out that way. Cigarettes- i'm coming for you next.

4. This country, the system, and the way of the power hungry make me feel like i've been wrong about humanity my entire life. I've been told that i am blind and naive to always think the best of people... that this is a characteristic that makes me weak and susceptible to danger. I wish so much that that wasn't true... but damn, does this place make that really hard to believe.

5. My 12 year old son is gonna make some lucky girl very very happy some day. I don't know what i'm doing most of the time, but i must be doing something right.
This kid is too good.

6. The world looks different when you know, beyond any doubt, that you've found someone that absolutely completes you.  For the first time in my life, i find comfort in discovering that i was, in fact, absolutely wrong- i was never meant to walk through life on my own. It just took a really really really, really really, really long time.

7. I've learned to finally listen to the little voices that whisper in my head. Finally.
That guy you think is an asshole? He's most probably an asshole.
Trust your gut. #DFTF
I dodged a pretty fierce bullet. Figuratively speaking. A really rusty and poisonous one.

8. My life in a nutshell.
Trust your struggle.

Falling off the wagon

It happens to the best of us.
No need to beat yourself up over it.

After a 6 month fitness hiatus, i'm back with a vengeance, and the truth is, i just wanna throw up. Every step on that treadmill, every squat i lower myself into, every second i hold in that plank- is a grave reminder that the Oreos i had at 3am was definitely NOT worth it.

Ok, so maybe it was. Maybe those 6 months of vegging out was something that was long overdue. I felt like i deserved it, to tell you the truth. I was living life, fresh from broken shackles. I wanted to be happy and come and go as i please. So, i did. And it was fabulous.

Now, i sit in bed, surrounded by stacks of clothing that barely fit. By "barely", i really mean- i can't even consider trying to put those on. I wake up tired and beaten. Always tired. I can barely walk to the grocery store without having to catch my breath. I can hardly lift a cooler filled with apples without having to complain about my back. My feet hurt. I feel like shit.

So, enough. The fun has been had, my body is complaining, and i've reached my limit. I'm on Day 3 of training and i'm already starting to feel better. Given, my arms feel like rubber, my legs feel like jello, and i just wanna collapse onto the floor... but better, nonetheless.

I'm writing this down to remind myself what starting from Day 1 feels like. I'm not a teenager anymore. I remember this all used to be so easy. But time and [junk] food has done its damage and the sheer thought of having to trudge this heavy ass to the gym already pains me. It's hard and it's brutal and you will want to cheat and give up.

DON'T.

Because feeling better will only get harder from here... but the pain will eventually get easier. The panting will become less obvious. The work won't seem like a chore. The food... well, it will remain tasteless, but you really can't do anything about that. Just make better choices, that's all there really is to it.

I know it doesn't sound like fun and why in anyone's right mind would you subject yourself to this kind of torture, right? Well, because you deserve it. Feeling like shit is not something that needs to be part of my daily rants. I don't want to have complain about pain or fatigue because i've been mistreating myself in that sense. You know what eating all that pizza does to you. You know what instant noodles are capable of. You could have totally stopped at 3 cookies. I want to be able to get up and make my family breakfast, go to work, and still have enough energy left in me to watch that movie after the dishes are done post-dinner. I wanna grab whatever shirt i have hanging on my bedside railing without having to worry about what my stomach will do to my ego. I wanna roll around the floor avoiding nerf darts whizzing past me without having to tell my kid i need a break. And I can't do any of that like this.

I came close to losing my right leg once. The doctor told me they needed to be careful to avoid that, but it was a possibility. I remember being scared shitless out of my mind. I just had a baby, i had just gotten back into shape, i had just started dancing again, i felt like i was getting my life back on track. I spent the next 5 months depending on crutches to move around. I'm sure there is no explanation needed to describe how NOT fun that was. The day i got out of physical therapy, without those god-forsaken aluminum alloy support, i remember feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet. I need to remember not to take that for granted.

Getting into shape might be really really hard. But undoing damage can be so much harder. So, cheers- to feeling like you wanna throw up, god damn lunges, and quinoa. May the day come where you shall be able to fit into those jeans hanging in your closet that haven't been worn in over a year.

Let the music play

The Force Awakens.

Chapter one.

It's a fresh new start.
Make this the happy one.

"Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want
 to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you
 don't want to fake being happy but at the same time you
 don't know exactly what's wrong either, there isn't a way
 to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand.
 If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. 
People have stopped being comforting and being alone never
 was. At least when you're alone no one constantly asks you 
what's wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't 
know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You 
hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be
 yourself again, but until then, all you can do is wait."

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
 
- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Summer, 2015

Arbitrary Mind Picks #104

1. Back tracking on my blog, i realized two things. First, is that i'm pretty fucking hilarious. Second, i really took that lomo look to another level.

2. Have i ever mentioned that the reason why i never promote my writing is because i don't like being an open book? Curious, since, well, you know... i write on a blog.

3. I've always known it. But now, more than ever, it is undeniably known for a fact... I am a night owl. And there is nothing i can do about it. There is nothing that will ever change that. That is how i am wired, this is who i am.
With that said, i just wanna yell out, "F#%k 6AM MORNINGS!!!"
(Summer is over. School starts tomorrow. I'm sad.)

4. TV Series = Crack

5. Childhood happens in the blink of an eye. You never believe it, until it happens to your children.

6. On that note- I highly dislike teenagers. The thought of the next 9 years scares the living shit outta me.

"You will always have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to."

There it is again.
The subtle feeling of loss and grief over a person i have never personally met. How incredible you must have been to have that sort of impact on the world.
I can't find the words.  But what saddens me the most is the loss of someone who was struggling to fight his demons yet still made choices in portraying kindness.
Because we all know how hard it is to be pleasant when we're having a bad day...

RIP Robin Williams

Right in my childhood.

We crave a different kind of buzz