And So I Kissed The Sky

This has been fun.
My life's craziest hurdles embedded in the space of a simple blog among millions.

It has been 12 years of stories written in these pages, of emotion hiding behind quotes, thoughts quickly scribbled down, and visuals i felt i could relate to. I look through these posts and, for the first time, i feel like i'm seeing this girl for what i WAS... young, vibrant, naive, and vulnerable. Oh, how i thought i knew so much.

This interweb sanctuary has served me well.
Thank you for keeping my head on straight. That was one hell of a decade.

In life and in restaurants

arbitrary mind picks #107

1. Having a baby once before does not make you a pro. Especially if it's been 13 years since said infant was born. No, Ma'am. You start from scratch.

2. A baby can keep you up all night and make you feel like you want to give up on life altogether... and then they crack one smile and it's enough to make you rethink that thought and realize that it's the best thing that's ever happened to you.
-this is what we call programming, because otherwise, the human species would become extinct.

3. Giving domestication another shot. Perhaps it will suit me better in my 30's? Let's find out.

4. I will only be talking about babies from now on. (See old blog "missteaze-ism" from 2004. This will be the remix)

5. Breastfeeding makes me hungry (like food trip on Marijuana hungry), but thinking about food is the farthest thing from my mind. Just feed me. I don't wanna think about it. Oh, that's my responsibility as mother of our household? Dammit.

6. I just felt an earthquake.

7. My siblings just texted that they felt that earthquake all the way in Baguio too. Whattttttttttttttt. Mother Nature is pissed, guys.

8. I don't know why i insist on writing when i should be catching some sleep instead. This is my desperate attempt to get back into managing this blog.

9. Staying at home and taking care of an infant has taught me so much about myself. Like i've learned that i am addicted to social media. I refused to admit that before. It's totally proven now.

10. Must start reading books again.

11. Must remember to take more pictures.

12. Must start working out soon.

13. Did i mention that i went over 200 pounds this pregnancy? Yeah. My feet hate me.
Breastfeeding- do your magic!!!!!!!!

14. I'm trying to practice the art of minimalism. Let's see how this goes.

15. I love my little family. This little heart of mine is grateful and content.

Melchizedek

St. Luke's Global City
Medical Arts Building Elevator

An elderly woman standing behind us at the back of the elevator looks at Alina and says, "You're in this world now. It's a terrible place".
"Yeah, it's scary...", i chime back.
Alina smiles widely and coos at the woman.
She continues, "You're gonna make this world better. You will do great things when you grow up".
Alina smiles and coos again, as if holding a conversation. This continues until we reach our exit on the 6th floor and bid goodbye. "Have a good day! Bye!", we wave behind us, as we thank the elevator operator and go on with our day.

The Moon Stood Still

Introducing the newest member of our family. 

Alina Sabine Arvisu Vea

Born on March 12, 2017 at 11:18pm

5.7 lbs, 18 inches

A head full of hair and the deepest dark eyes

Our hearts just got a little more full, and our lives,

so much brighter.  

Welcome to the world, my little love. You are destined for great things.

A letter to my first born

My Darling Dylan,

When i found out i was pregnant with you, to say i was scared would be an understatement. I was young and reckless, and i felt as if i had no place on this earth to become a mother. There were plenty of nights i worried whether or not i would do a good job. I didn't know if i had what it took to raise a human being. I didn't know a lot of things, and i was far from prepared, but i stepped up to the plate and knew that you were being given to me for a reason. I cried when i heard your heart beat for the very first time. You stopped me dead on my tracks when i felt your first flutter. I bawled when i saw you at your first ultrasound and was told that you were a boy. I bought too many baby clothes that you outgrew in no time. I painted your crib and read all the mommy-to-be books. I picked your name out of a baby names list and wrote it over and over again on the pages of my journal. I wanted and prayed for you to be healthy. You became the most important person to me on the face of this planet. I gaped at you in amazement when i held you in my arms for the very first time as you stared back at me with those big, dark brown eyes. Because of you, i discovered what love truly felt like.

You are the reason i get to be called "Mom". The years have rolled by, and although it feels like our lives have been stacked with memory upon memory over one another, you grew up in the blink of an eye. You will always be my baby, no matter how old you get, how much taller you outgrow me, or how far away you may be. You motivated me to push for a better life, stood as my pillar of strength in times of struggle, and inspired me to lead by example to reach for the stars.

I haven't always been the perfect mother. It was a role that i had to gradually ease into and, until this day, am still trying to get right. Through the years, and some of my life's greatest challenges, we grew up together. I am grateful for your forgiving and loving nature- for tolerating my temper and teaching me patience. I am thankful for your empathetic personality, on days that i needed to cry and your little arms were there to comfort me. I have always tried to do right by you, and i know there were days (quite a lot of them, actually) where i fell short and you loved me anyway. I may not remember every single time you made me laugh or the milestones i was supposed to write down, but i do know that there were endless moments spent on making each other happy, and that was the most important thing to me. For so many reasons, you have always been my life's saving grace. Always remember that i will love you more than you will ever know, no matter what. We made quite the duo, and i will forever be proud of everything we built together as a team. We had some rough days, but i wouldn't change a thing. I cannot imagine my life without you. You are such a wonderful blessing.

I have always given you my very best. I did what i could as i raised you on my own. I tried to fill your childhood with memories that we could look back on together, fondly, for years to come. I tried to teach you as much as i could to prepare you for growing up, and at the same time, shelter you from the cruelty of the world. There is no greater teacher than experience though, and some things, you just have to live through yourself. I know i gave you my all, but there will always be that aching feeling, as a parent, where i wish i could have done more. 

Watching you grow into the young man you have become has been such a pleasure. You continue to make me proud and i have no doubt in my mind that you will easily step into your new role as kuya. You have someone who will look up to you now.

I am lucky to have the kind of relationship and closeness we share. I know that we act like friends sometimes, and i let you get away with a lot of things... but i am your mother first, before anything else. I know i can be hard on you, but I will always look out for you and have your best interest in mind, even if it doesn't seem/feel like it.

You and i will be entering a new phase of our lives together and i want you to know that it has always been a privilege to be your mother. I will always be here for you. Yes, things will be different, but my love for you will always be one of a kind. You will always be my first. The little one the guided me. My North Star.

We're part of a bigger family now- and that only means that there's more love to go around. We will always have your back and you can always run to us for anything. Life only gets better from here and i'm so excited for what's to come.  

There's so much more that i want to say but can't find the words. It's hard to explain to someone you love just how much you really love them. I just want you to know that you make me very happy. The life you and i had was everything i needed at the time, and we grew with so much love. Watching you grow up gave my life so much meaning and indescribable happiness... and i hope that this new chapter in our lives will bring you the same kind of joy.

Loving you always,
Mom

If i should have a daughter

(If I Should Have a Daughter) by Sarah Kay

If I should have a daughter…“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”
She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.
And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”
But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.
I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.
You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.
And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.
“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”
Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.
Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.

Living the Beauty

As i sit on this couch behind a man i truly admire, staring into our patio that opens up to trees and a city skyline, discovering music that makes us smile, after a meal enjoyed with great conversation, and a bundle of over-loved joy in my growing belly... i realize that this was the simple beauty that i had always wanted.

And i get to live it.

Let It Grow

We're having a baby.
And well seasoned food.
Both make me extremely happy.
Definitely one more than the other. 

arbitrary mind picks #106

1. Closing out my 5 year rotation in Makati and moving on to bigger and better things.
I am beyond excited to be moving into our new home in about 2 weeks!!! *HAPPY DANCE*

2. Shopping for home stuff and appliances, picking out paint color and shelves... totally the new sexy. I'll take that over lingerie any day.

3. Trust your instincts.
I took a sip out my shake today and there was a cockroach in it. Funny thing was, the second i took a sip, i thought, "Tastes like cockroach..." (Don't ask me how i know, i just do). Still continued to sip. Why...

4. We have a secret and i'm excited for the big reveal... =D

5. Health regimen is still doing pretty good. But between moving our stuff and working, it hasn't been as vigorous as i would have liked it to be. But, nonetheless, i'm glad i don't feel like shit anymore and getting into the habit was a good start to healthy living. I actually happen to like Quinoa (a lot), and i think snacking on corn and bananas are fine by me. I must really be getting old.

6. 11 Days nicotine free. I'm surprised i haven't killed anybody.
But i did cry about it today. Oh well.

7. The more i read the news (i don't even know where to start with this one) and the more i deal with shady a** F*ckers (1611 landlord, dude that owes me money, and Metrobank, I'm looking at you!), the more i lose faith in humanity. Seriously, a little consideration could go a long way... and honestly, how hard is it to just do THE RIGHT GOD DAMN THING.

8. I'm not a fan of road rage.

9. Dylan and i have been boycotting McDonald's.

10. I can't remember the last time i ever looked forward to something THIS much. I'm over the moon with this shit. I can't even explain it.

Turning pages and new leaves

"Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself."

— Daniell Koepke

This has been simmering in my mind for quite some time now. The ways of the world, they call it. The Universe and its master plan.

You stumble upon people from all over the world, various walks of life, and their own story to tell. We are all different. This is a fact. You pick your tribe, sometimes your family, and you usually choose carefully who stays and who goes. The older you get, the smaller and tighter your circle becomes. This is a process. A much needed one, if you ask me.

There will come a point in your life when you have to make the decision on whether you try harder or simply walk away. You will realize that there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and making decisions that pave the way to your own happiness. Even if it means going there without them.

I keep talking about dodged bullets and unchained shackles. The truth is, Daniell Koepke couldn't have said it any better. I believe we all deserve to be happy and that we were not put on this planet doomed to misery and anguish. Now, more than ever, i know that settling for mediocrity is a coward's way out. Because right behind that gate of fear was everything i had ever wanted. All i had to do was jump.

Ultimately, the universe has your back. Don't ignore the signs. It will tap you on the shoulder every now and then... don't wait for it to drop kick you in the face. 

A reason to celebrate

Our home for 5 days was not too shabby, as i lazed the hours away in sunshine, sand, salt water, and the occasional monsoon downpour + habagat winds. It was my first time in Bohol (and our 5th installment in conquering places that start with the letter "B"- Bacolod, Bali, Baguio, Boracay), and although i was not able to gawk in awe at the wonder that was the Chocolate Hills, I couldn't have asked for a better way to greet my 33rd year of life.

 

The best part of my birthday, however, hovered 480 feet above a ravine, connecting 2 mountains together, in what felt like one of the most exhilarating and magical 60 seconds of my life. I'm, of course, talking about the SUISLIDE. A zipline, known as the highest in the country, that i practically bullied my boyfriend into going on with me. It was awesome. And i love him.

33 Years is a long time to be alive... even crazier to think just how many more years we have left to go. I have never been more excited about the future and so grateful for everything i have in my life. I am a very, very lucky girl.

Arbitrary Mind Picks #105

1. Day 25 on my road to health and fitness- and my God, does this shit hurt. It was definitely easier in my 20's, i can tell you that.
However, my clothes are starting to fit better, the huffing and puffing is down to a minimum, i am no longer tired, and my body is thanking me. The difference a few changes can make is just shocking.

2. I could still totally go for an entire plate of Carne Asada Nachos right about now.

3. A life without alcohol is something i didn't foresee so near into my future... but i'm more than happy it worked out that way. Cigarettes- i'm coming for you next.

4. This country, the system, and the way of the power hungry make me feel like i've been wrong about humanity my entire life. I've been told that i am blind and naive to always think the best of people... that this is a characteristic that makes me weak and susceptible to danger. I wish so much that that wasn't true... but damn, does this place make that really hard to believe.

5. My 12 year old son is gonna make some lucky girl very very happy some day. I don't know what i'm doing most of the time, but i must be doing something right.
This kid is too good.

6. The world looks different when you know, beyond any doubt, that you've found someone that absolutely completes you.  For the first time in my life, i find comfort in discovering that i was, in fact, absolutely wrong- i was never meant to walk through life on my own. It just took a really really really, really really, really long time.

7. I've learned to finally listen to the little voices that whisper in my head. Finally.
That guy you think is an asshole? He's most probably an asshole.
Trust your gut. #DFTF
I dodged a pretty fierce bullet. Figuratively speaking. A really rusty and poisonous one.

8. My life in a nutshell.
Trust your struggle.

Falling off the wagon

It happens to the best of us.
No need to beat yourself up over it.

After a 6 month fitness hiatus, i'm back with a vengeance, and the truth is, i just wanna throw up. Every step on that treadmill, every squat i lower myself into, every second i hold in that plank- is a grave reminder that the Oreos i had at 3am was definitely NOT worth it.

Ok, so maybe it was. Maybe those 6 months of vegging out was something that was long overdue. I felt like i deserved it, to tell you the truth. I was living life, fresh from broken shackles. I wanted to be happy and come and go as i please. So, i did. And it was fabulous.

Now, i sit in bed, surrounded by stacks of clothing that barely fit. By "barely", i really mean- i can't even consider trying to put those on. I wake up tired and beaten. Always tired. I can barely walk to the grocery store without having to catch my breath. I can hardly lift a cooler filled with apples without having to complain about my back. My feet hurt. I feel like shit.

So, enough. The fun has been had, my body is complaining, and i've reached my limit. I'm on Day 3 of training and i'm already starting to feel better. Given, my arms feel like rubber, my legs feel like jello, and i just wanna collapse onto the floor... but better, nonetheless.

I'm writing this down to remind myself what starting from Day 1 feels like. I'm not a teenager anymore. I remember this all used to be so easy. But time and [junk] food has done its damage and the sheer thought of having to trudge this heavy ass to the gym already pains me. It's hard and it's brutal and you will want to cheat and give up.

DON'T.

Because feeling better will only get harder from here... but the pain will eventually get easier. The panting will become less obvious. The work won't seem like a chore. The food... well, it will remain tasteless, but you really can't do anything about that. Just make better choices, that's all there really is to it.

I know it doesn't sound like fun and why in anyone's right mind would you subject yourself to this kind of torture, right? Well, because you deserve it. Feeling like shit is not something that needs to be part of my daily rants. I don't want to have complain about pain or fatigue because i've been mistreating myself in that sense. You know what eating all that pizza does to you. You know what instant noodles are capable of. You could have totally stopped at 3 cookies. I want to be able to get up and make my family breakfast, go to work, and still have enough energy left in me to watch that movie after the dishes are done post-dinner. I wanna grab whatever shirt i have hanging on my bedside railing without having to worry about what my stomach will do to my ego. I wanna roll around the floor avoiding nerf darts whizzing past me without having to tell my kid i need a break. And I can't do any of that like this.

I came close to losing my right leg once. The doctor told me they needed to be careful to avoid that, but it was a possibility. I remember being scared shitless out of my mind. I just had a baby, i had just gotten back into shape, i had just started dancing again, i felt like i was getting my life back on track. I spent the next 5 months depending on crutches to move around. I'm sure there is no explanation needed to describe how NOT fun that was. The day i got out of physical therapy, without those god-forsaken aluminum alloy support, i remember feeling like the luckiest girl on the planet. I need to remember not to take that for granted.

Getting into shape might be really really hard. But undoing damage can be so much harder. So, cheers- to feeling like you wanna throw up, god damn lunges, and quinoa. May the day come where you shall be able to fit into those jeans hanging in your closet that haven't been worn in over a year.

Let the music play

The Force Awakens.

Chapter one.

It's a fresh new start.
Make this the happy one.