My Hair

I've colored it.
I don't brush it.
I tie it up when i sleep.
I hide it under hats.
I never know what to do with it.
It's not curly and it's not straight- it just can't make up its mind.
Will never have it short again- ever.
I feel like pulling it out sometimes.

I've cut my hair 3 times in the past 3 weeks. It got worse with every attempt. I have succumbed to tying it up again until it grows back to a decent length.

My hair has always played a big role in my transformations.
I find that i have the strongest aching need to change it when i'm going through something. Be it a move to another city, a problem overtaking my subconscious, or unbearable boredom. I have always resorted to taking it out on my mane.

The past few weeks have been no different.
My life is a true testament of the saying- "The grass is always greener on the other side".
Changing the way my hair sat on top of my head or dyeing it a different color had nothing to do with vanity and everything to do with identity. I thought that maybe seeing a different reflection in my mirror would satisfy my need for change. I needed to see someone different staring back at me.
There are so many things that people want to accomplish in a lifetime. Endless hobbies, places to see, and experimenting with different lines of work. I have reinvented myself time and time again and i still have no clue what or who i want to become- or how i want to wear my hair.

At around this same time last year, i had just moved back to my hometown leaving behind a job i loved and friends i have gotten so close to, i consider them family. The life that waited for me here was everything i ever wanted and all that i had asked for within that past year- a quiet life with my son away from all the chaos, appropriate for a happy childhood. I even got my hair done- the most it had ever cost me in the 10 years of living in the city. I dropped the party highlights and the blond streaks for a more subtle, "homey" look. I was ready for the life i had asked for. It was better than i anticipated and nothing short of the epitome of happiness.
Like i said- everything i ever wanted and all that i had asked for.

But that was a year ago. My hair looks like crap now and considering i did whatever i could to salvage the disaster i call a "haircut", i look absolutely mundane. Unless i dye my hair blonde or completely shave it off, this is all the change my mop is gonna get. This is as far as it goes. With that said, i don't think the problem lies on what my do looks like. The problem lies in what it is I decide to do with my life.

All of a sudden, peace and quiet with my son isn't enough. The break i so badly needed has served its purpose and i'm looking for greener grass. I don't think i've ever outgrown a place so fast. No wonder my dad decided to take us away from here when he did. It can only serve your growth for so long.

I will not be touching my far-from-luscious locks any time soon. I will let nature run its course and leave it be.
My life, on the other hand, needs a treatment- stat.

Or maybe just a new hobby.
It's what i get for being so fickle.