8 Years

The weather lately has been extremely conducive to sleep. I had a tough time willing myself out of bed today. I act like a morning person solely for my son's benefit.

I make the coffee and i prepare Dylan's breakfast. Okay, fine. I really meant- i put the cereal out.
We get ready for school, i drop him off . I chat with a few parents on my way out. I walk down Brent road. I wait for a cab in traffic-congested Leonard Wood. Fail. I jump on a jeepney. The ride doesn't pass my street so i hop off at the corner and make that long, uphill trudge towards my building. It's pouring cats and dogs, by the way.

I'm back at the apartment, i make more coffee, i go online, check my messages, and go on Facebook (naturally). I greet a dear friend a very happy birthday. I glance up, the right top hand corner of my screen to make sure i greeted him on the right day. It says:
Fri Sep 3 8:36 AM.

"September 3", i think to myself. "September 3... what's with September 3?"

You know those times when you know you're supposed to remember something but it just won't come to you? It's at the tip of your tongue, you're almost there, but you can't quite put a finger on it? That's what it felt like.
(eg. That one actor from that one movie... what's his name?)

This happens in the span of 2.2 seconds.

"Oh shit."
I pause and just sit and just stare and i took a moment and remembered.
For some reason, i don't approach this day with anticipation. This date hardly ever enters my mind, to tell you the truth. Somehow, on the very day itself, it just hits me. There's no count down, i don't expect it, i'm never prepared for it. It just dawns on me all of a sudden.

I don't know why.

What is it with people reliving traumatic experiences? It's not like celebrating a wedding anniversary or your birthday or Christmas. Why do people get hit so hard on the anniversary of something that has left them with scars? Why do we insist on keeping that memory alive? Experience the pain all over again and feel the agony that was once so unbearable... why?

I lost a great friend 8 years ago. It changed me.

I still remember everything so vividly. As if time had not lapsed and i remember it like it was yesterday. From the phone call i put on silent to the dream i had a year later.
Vivid.
My heart racing, the tears i shed, the scream i let out, and the thoughts that filled my head. Clear as day.

I re-read all my past posts on this experience. I, once again, read that article i came across 5 years ago- the one i so unapologetically bashed the same day i discovered it on Google. Each year i read it differently. This time around i read it from a writer's perspective. Strange how time and/or maturity changes certain things.
It seems i have started a tradition of my own.
I can't decide if it's honorable or just sad.

I gave it a good cry. Took some time out of my day to "talk" to him. I can't believe it was so long ago... and time has done its job on healing this wound. I'm guilt-free, but i apologize, nonetheless. No matter what, i just can't get over those damn shoulda-woulda's.

Will i be remembering this day like this for the rest of my life? It seems to be that one day dedicated to reflection. Seeing how far i've come or how much "good" i've lived up to... in a way, making up for the good he missed out on because of my failure to pick up the phone.
A testament of the tragedy on how death strikes the living- appreciating your own due to the loss of someone else's.

I see him everyday when i make that walk out of school. The stroll from Bridgers to the outdoor basketball court. The memory of him racing down that pathway, the excitement in his voice as he yelled at the surprise of my presence, and that giant hug... the biggest anyone has ever given me, by far.

It's been 8 years and i still miss you.

You've Got a Friend in Me

It wasn't on an alarm on a calendar. It wasn't on a note written to remind myself. He didn't come to me in my dream, he hasn't in so long. This year, i saw the date and i just remembered.

I walk the same halls we used to walk as young teens in high school. I see the places where we used to go and the same old roads we used to tread. I see other people who once knew you like i did. We reminisce about the "good old days". It's a painful reminder but the memories are so good.

You are constantly remembered.
I still wish i could have been there and maybe, just maybe, it would have made a difference.
It's been 7 years & i still miss you.

***
That day had such a huge impact on my life. I remember the gut-wrenching feeling, the way i felt numb and helpless. I cried and i cried, and i shut everyone out. I was inconsolable.
I never want to feel that way again. I do not wish that kind of pain on anyone.

It was the first time in my life i had ever felt like a complete failure as a friend.

I've always known that if there was a quality in myself that i would most want to be appreciated, it would be my loyalty and the value i put on friendship. I've always been the go-to girl. I would drop anything in a heartbeat if someone needs me. I'm here to listen and i'm always more than willing to help. I've always made it a point to be reliable and everything i do only comes from a good place. I will not leave your side until you tell me that everything is good. If i give you my word, know that my word is good. Anything that i say is said with complete sincerity- even if it hurts, i will only give you the truth. Even if i'd much rather be somewhere else, i will stick it out with you.

These attributes were only strengthened by this experience.

Such a strong characteristic trait rooted from such a tragic loss.
Perhaps a lucky few have been able to benefit from this unpleasant occurrence i once felt would be impossible to recover from. Who knew that something so painful would give me something positive in return...

It is said that time heals all wounds. I know it wasn't my fault. I know there was nothing i could have done to change the outcome. These things happen for a reason and it's not our job to figure it out. Life will continue as it always does and we take from these experiences whatever it has to offer... even if it comes in small increments over a long period of time.

Have i figured out what it all means? No.
Do i fully understand what all of this was supposed to teach me? No.
The lesson in all its glory might dawn on me one day... and then again, there's a possibility it may never. I don't know.

But one thing's for sure...
I am a damn good friend- i know that for a fact.

Thanks Dons.
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