Back in the day when there was no Youtube, no internet, no downloading, or piracy, and movies were only watched in theaters or on television... it was a great privilege to rent movies on Betamax. I remember walking into a store and our parents would have their picks and we'd have to decide which ones we wanted to take home. I remember The Little Mermaid and The Mighty Ducks above everything else. As we grew older we started watching the same movies my parents would watch. With this, i remember Dancing With Wolves or The Last of The Mohicans (I take it that my parents were into periodic films).

We rented mounds and mounds of cartoons. I saw every Disney film that came out. Watched all the Warner Bros. and Looney Tunes, Mickey Mouse, Duck Tales, Fern Gully, what have you. If it was a cartoon popular in the 80's and 90's, chances are, i've seen it.

Now, at one point, i remember asking them, "What are you watching? Is it funny? Can i watch it?"
And the answer would either be a yes or a no, or the smart answer which was, "Well, it's pretty serious". Which turned me away in an instant.

I would join them with comedic films and romantic comedies. I avoided the "serious" ones and was shooed away when it came to the "love" ones (for obvious reasons).

The first sex scene i ever saw was from a film called Species. I think the alien tried to lure some man and seduced him before killing him or something. Whatever it was, i saw it with my dad. Before it happened, he asked me if i was ready for it. I was 13 years old. It happened, i watched it, and in all honesty- i had no idea what just happened and what it was exactly that i saw. And i didn't know what it was about even for a really long time after that.

I remember if i couldn't follow the dialogue, i'd lose interest and leave. Asking questions during a movie was understood to be forbidden. I don't know how that was imbedded in my brain, i never try to disrupt someone when they're watching a movie. My older brother on the other hand, will comment full force whilst watching and repeat dialogue we (also) heard 2 seconds prior, and even when we laugh, he will ask us if we thought it was funny. Strange.
Never disrupt me when i'm watching a movie. Dialogue is serious business.

I know i'm getting somewhere with this.

Okay, so if it was funny, there was singing and dancing, and my parents said yes- i would watch it.
If i couldn't keep up with the movie, there was inappropriate scenes and language- i didn't watch it.
At what point in my life did i ever decide- "I'm in the mood for a serious movie." When did that happen? I must be getting old or something. I was sweeping the floor in my kitchen thinking about an array of DVDs to pick from and the first thought that popped in my head was- "I'm in the mood for something serious".

Whoa.

[This is just scribble, but when i was thinking about it and it was just in my head, this conversation sounded a bit more intellectual]

Arbitrary Mind Picks #64

1. I put sesame oil on everything. Too much of it though can be quite nauseating... *gag*

2. I wish i appreciated water everyday the way i do when i'm struck with ridiculous hangovers. If the only way to get me to drink tons of water is by being hungover, well... that's just not a smart idea.

3. When a child creates a massive amount of mess (which they always do), it doesn't bother me as long as they tidy up themselves afterwards. I get a kick out of watching Dylan clean up after himself... it looks almost like child slavery but not. haha! Never did i think that i would be so amused by watching a 6 year old carry a box full of transformers from the couch onto the floor in the corner- it becomes extra amusing when he does this chore miserably, like his life just hit rock bottom.

4. I have 14 DVDs to sail through. This should be interesting. Well, i hope so, anyway.

5. Contrary to popular belief, i actually really really like staying at home. I like being in my box and keeping to myself and minding my own business. I only went out so much before because there wasn't much of a home to stay at... no, seriously. haha

6. When it comes to issues involving matters of the heart... it's always life altering. Strange, don't you think?

7. I want a blackberry. ? Yes, i would like to jump on that bandwagon. Why? You know why! Because it has cool games! That's why.

8. K, that was weird.

9. My word of the month- BANGIN'!
It has to be said with emotion and gusto though. Try it, it's fun.
ex. "Try their coffee... f@#% Starbucks. Go to this place. You need to get the latte... it's BANGIN'!"

10. When was the last time you spoke on the phone like you were a freshman in high school?

“You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.”
— Nicholas Sparks

“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.”
— Calvin & Hobbes

Tell Me

You can never learn too many things about life. You can read a gazillion quotes, thousands of books, and talk to hundreds and hundreds of people- take in their experiences, soak up their stories, and learn from their mistakes... it still won't make you an expert. You will stumble upon forks in the road and search for more answers. You can never learn too much about life.

You think after passing a certain age that "you would know better"... only to find out that, in fact, NO. You don't know any better. You will still make mistakes.
You think you know the difference between right and wrong? Are you sure? Think again.
Would it make a difference if what was wrong made you happy and the right thing to do only lead to insanity? Is there moral conflict in that? Who's to say what's right or wrong anyway?

Is Happiness always right? Are you sure? What do the experts have to say about that?
Is suffering righteous? Who the hell came up with that?

All these questions. So many of them. Who has the answers? And how do we know they're right?

“Don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay your whole life?”
— Audrey Niffenegger

Illustrations by Gabriel Moreno

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.”

— Dennis Waitleya

Arbitrary Mind Picks #63

1. I LOVE (absolutely love) Blue Cheese Dressing and Heinz Sweet Chili Sauce and Hazelnut flavored coffee creamer and Cookie Dough scented candles. Pampanga was good to me.

2. The world amazes me. That's that. One day, i will see all of it.

3. Watching Dylan run to me at the first glimpse of his mother is one of the best feelings in the world. It's right up there with tasting soft shell crab spring rolls for the first time in your entire life.

4. I need to invest in some Egyptian Cotton sheets. Those Egyptians mean business, i'm telling you. They take their linen very seriously... as should you. If there's anything they've done for the good of mankind, it is that. Oh, and the pyramids, of course.

5. My new love? Yakitori. Look it up.

6. I have come to the conclusion that i have an alter ego that takes over my body when i consume a lot certain amount of alcohol. It is the other version of me. I swear, i don't know who that chick is or where she came from. I hear she's a hoot though.

7. Food has the power to make my spirit soar. True story.

8. What's up with the new Serato? (That's a whole other post)

9. Ugh... too much Blue Cheese Dressing makes me nauseous. *gag*

10. It feels great to stay up til the wee hours of the morning without having to worry about what time i need to get up. GREAT, i tell you. Oh, the little things...

The pessimist's version?
"You're gonna die anyway."

A Thought For Today

Life is cold
Cold is pain
Pain is growth
And every single rose sees rain
And the rain gon' come it ain't nothin new,
But when it's done the sun shinin' through...
-Blu & Exile, Cold Hearted

I still remember everything about that night. I am reminded of it somehow every single day. Yes, it's in the past... but there are some things that manage to escape that trap in time and follow you into your present. Some things are just hard to let go.

The world was a shade of blue and gray. For days and days and days...

I smoked 2 packs of cigarettes everyday. Switched from lights to reds. It helped calm me down and lessen the shaking.

I was mad at the country and despised the government. For the first time, it had dawned on me why it was so terrible that the Philippines was known to be a country where anybody could get away with anything.

I learned how to cope with the help of crutches and was frustrated with the fact i could not use my legs. I walked all over Makati on the day i put those crutches to rest.

I feared facing my friends, seeing the look on their face, hearing their words of grief because of the loss of someone so dear. A sure thing to break my heart is seeing people i care about in grief.

It's been 5 years. I am still suffering from the after-effects.
I wonder how life would have played out if that night had turned out differently?
Just a thought.

[Taken from the archives of my blog in '05- Here's our story]

One Photo

There are no words to explain. Nothing to be said to summarize the meaning of it all in its entirety and possibly do it justice. Just a picture- because one photo truly says it all.