Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Forever didn't last as long as i thought it would.
2. Cleaning up your child's vomit is a testament of real parenting.
3. It's a lot easier to keep the house clean when you live by yourself.
4. Wine does wonders.
5. I still have blockage. Can you tell?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
It's my motherly duty... i have to take my son to his friend's birthday party. No, you don't understand. I HAVE to. It's my motherly duty.
They have toy guns at this party. The plastic ones that have "bullets" that stick to the mirror or any flat surface. I hate guns. I'm not an advocate by any means. But it seems to be a guy thing. It's a guy, kid thing. I don't wanna be a pooper. I just voice out my opinion- "i don't like guns".
Dylan is playing with his classmates. I'm trying to figure out how this is appealing to children. I don't think they realize, that in reality, this shit- KILLS people. I can't stress it enough- i HATE guns.
So they play. They're kids. Shoot each other. Die. Ouch. Whatever. They get the gist. Kind of, anyway.
Dylan ducks behind me. Uses me as kind of a shield. His classmates shoot. 2 boys. It's a direct hit. A direct hit on mommy's arm. Both "bullets" hit me straight on my right arm.
I react. "Ouch. That's not nice..."
Little did i know, the realm i had entered upon.
This was, by far, the angriest, most upset, sad, distraught, pissed off, crazy i have ever seen my 6 year old son in his whole entire existence. I shit you not. This kid was pissed the eff off.
I think something took over this kid for that certain moment in time.
"Don't hurt my mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(it was so severe that writing about it does not do it justice)
I watched as my 6 year old boy proceeded to run after 2 other kids with a temper i have never seen before. With determination to destroy. I'm all about sorting out your problems and learning from your experience... but i had to step in. It looked like violence in its highest degree was about to erupt. I was not about to witness my son in a driveway scuffle.
I pulled him away and sat him down.
No, wait. That's a lie. This kid would not sit down.
I tried the, "Breath. Inhale. Exhale. Shake it off.", to no avail.
I explained, "I'm not hurt. Look... I'm okay. I told them not to do it anymore...". And yes, the kids DID take the bullets out and played with the guns without any ammo.
That did not make the issue any easier.
Dylan continued to scream, and turn red, and eventually cry, "I hate everyone!!! I wanna break all their guns. They shouldn't hurt my mom!!! Nobody hurts my mom!!! I'm going to break their guns!!! I hate guns!!! I don't like guns!!! Don't hurt my mommy!!!!"
With all the emotion a 6 year old and beyond could muster...
I almost cried.
No, seriously. If you felt his anguish... the despair... the hate boiling inside him- You would fight back the tears too.
Yes, it was THAT serious.
This is my flesh and blood. He was fighting to defend his mother. Defending MY honor. Protecting me. Sheltering me from hurt, if you will. MY 6 year old son. Love in the highest degree... in a very eerie and violent manner.
He hated those kids. It deeply wounded him. The emotion was severely potent. I cannot even stress it enough or find the words to justify the feeling running through this kid's veins. The MOST upset i have ever seen this boy in his entire 6 and a half years of existence.
It was an epiphany.
Dylan and I. Me and Dylan. This kid and me. My son and myself. It is me and him. Him and me. I love this kid til the blood in my veins run dry... and beyond.
LOVE, in the greatest sense of the word. That is US.
It may be a mother and son thing. I live and breath for this kindred soul. I believe he was made especially for me. I may be a bunch of really messed up things... and "God" knows, i've had my share of fucked-upedness in my life... but this kid is what my heart and soul is all about. My greatest masterpiece. My work of art, if you will. I couldn't be more proud. He is the best thing i have ever put my mind into... and boy, is he worth it.
I have given up a huge chunk of my life for him. Dreams and youth, the ideal life and what have you. I ponder about it and go through the motions of my "shoulda, coulda woulda"s... and i still would not trade it for everything the world had to offer me. I watch him as he develops his speech, go through school, and experience "problems", handle situations.... and while majority of the chicks my age are worrying about boys, clothes, the next big party, my bigass promotion, and what i should drink tonight... i'm watching a part of me turn into someone i will stare at one day and say, "Wow. I did pretty effin great."
I never thought i would ever be a "mom" kinda girl. Heck, i was never even really fond of kids. But this thing... this LOVe... unexplainable and will forever be a mystery- the love a parent will hold for their child.
When your parents say, "You'll know/understand when you have kids of your own..."... DAMn!!! They were NOT kidding.
THAT- is some major, serious, high, all kinds of drugs, shit. And, yeah... i've been there. There's nothing quite like this one.
I watched my son defend my honor today. I sat with him and talked him through the motions of calming the eff down. I finally distracted him by telling him he was going on a play date with his girlfriend (he LOVEs this girl, just for the record. But that's a whole other story).
I observed in awe as other parents watched the scene play out...
There isn't a tandem quite like ours.
I will fight, and die, and vie for this youngling.
Apparently, he would do the same for me.
I watched my son defend my honor today.
It put my life into perspective... and i'm more in love than i have ever been in my entire 27 years of existence.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
2. Random Factoid of the day:
My service driver (taxi driver) is also a Barangay Official. I congratulated him on winning a place at the recent elections. Who woulda thunk?
3. Heading down to the
4. Dylan is... just too much to explain in a sentence right now. I love that kid like i never even thought possible. I am so grateful for the relationship i have with my son. Even though i wanna tie him up sometimes, that kid is just amazing.
5. I still have a few lessons to learn about friendship. Observing people you think you know is a great pastime. Try it.
I leave you now with a photo of Session Road. Taken at the break of dawn under the influence of some serious alcohol. My city, in a familiar light, if you will.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
— John Lennon
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull off the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted
-“Cold Tangerines” by Shauna Niequist
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
2. I'm wondering if this morning thing gets easier... or if i'm really just nocturnal.
3. I've turned into an iPhone apps junkie.
Just another quirk to add to the list of things-i-never-thought-i'd-become.
4. Will attempt to do yoga while listening to neosoul.
5. Ran into something peculiar on my walk back home today.
My rendition of "The Rose that grew from concrete" with leaves that will amuse any ganja enthusiast.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I don't brush it.
I tie it up when i sleep.
I hide it under hats.
I never know what to do with it.
It's not curly and it's not straight- it just can't make up its mind.
Will never have it short again- ever.
I feel like pulling it out sometimes.
I've cut my hair 3 times in the past 3 weeks. It got worse with every attempt. I have succumbed to tying it up again until it grows back to a decent length.
My hair has always played a big role in my transformations.
I find that i have the strongest aching need to change it when i'm going through something. Be it a move to another city, a problem overtaking my subconscious, or unbearable boredom. I have always resorted to taking it out on my mane.
The past few weeks have been no different.
My life is a true testament of the saying- "The grass is always greener on the other side".
Changing the way my hair sat on top of my head or dyeing it a different color had nothing to do with vanity and everything to do with identity. I thought that maybe seeing a different reflection in my mirror would satisfy my need for change. I needed to see someone different staring back at me.
There are so many things that people want to accomplish in a lifetime. Endless hobbies, places to see, and experimenting with different lines of work. I have reinvented myself time and time again and i still have no clue what or who i want to become- or how i want to wear my hair.
At around this same time last year, i had just moved back to my hometown leaving behind a job i loved and friends i have gotten so close to, i consider them family. The life that waited for me here was everything i ever wanted and all that i had asked for within that past year- a quiet life with my son away from all the chaos, appropriate for a happy childhood. I even got my hair done- the most it had ever cost me in the 10 years of living in the city. I dropped the party highlights and the blond streaks for a more subtle, "homey" look. I was ready for the life i had asked for. It was better than i anticipated and nothing short of the epitome of happiness.
Like i said- everything i ever wanted and all that i had asked for.
But that was a year ago. My hair looks like crap now and considering i did whatever i could to salvage the disaster i call a "haircut", i look absolutely mundane. Unless i dye my hair blonde or completely shave it off, this is all the change my mop is gonna get. This is as far as it goes. With that said, i don't think the problem lies on what my do looks like. The problem lies in what it is I decide to do with my life.
All of a sudden, peace and quiet with my son isn't enough. The break i so badly needed has served its purpose and i'm looking for greener grass. I don't think i've ever outgrown a place so fast. No wonder my dad decided to take us away from here when he did. It can only serve your growth for so long.
I will not be touching my far-from-luscious locks any time soon. I will let nature run its course and leave it be.
My life, on the other hand, needs a treatment- stat.
Or maybe just a new hobby.
It's what i get for being so fickle.
Monday, September 20, 2010
I beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
-Ranier Maria Rilke - Letters to a young poet
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Why is it when you tell yourself not to think of something, it ends up as the only thing you think about?
2. Ghost stories (especially ones that involve familiar places) would be my last choice for evening conversation. It's just not a good idea. Not now nor ever. Never.
My curiosity just gets the better of me.
3. My creative process has taken over my room. Not in a good way.
4. I put on a great show as a morning person. Theater at its best, if i do say so myself.
5. Coffee IS breakfast.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I can stand blood and gore. I've sat through Chainsaw Massacres, Hostels, and Turistas. Horror of the spiritual kind, however, i doubt i'll ever be able to stomach. Exorcism, The Ring, The Shining, Blair Witch, 6th Sense, etc... F*%^ no.
As some would put it- "So... you're actually scared of the things most likely to not happen as opposed to the shit that have gone down in real life?".
I sailed through 4 movies of morbid, bloody, torture. A story of a serial killer, a sick minded psychopath out to teach humankind a lesson in cherishing life. Of course, half the time i was concentrating on something else so i was really only half-paying attention.
My older brother then texts me that there's a serial killer on the loose in my town. He drives a cab. I only take cabs around these here parts. My brother tells me to be careful and my dad tells me i should carry a kitchen knife in my bag (as a joke).
The timing is uncanny.
It's a good excuse to avoid late-night, drunken escapades.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
He said, "Ah, porma mo lang mayaman?". (Oh, you only look like you're rich?)
And then added, "Baka yung hat mo kasi. Kamukha mo si Michael Jackson..." (Maybe it's your hat. You look like Michael Jackson...)
I was wearing a paperboy cap. Weird conversation.
2. I finally saw Iron Man 2. Key word- FINALLY.
3. While waiting for Dylan to get out of class i was sitting at a table outside his classroom with two other parents. We were discussing the number of long weekends we've had in the past month and the next one coming our way. I blurt out, "I think the world would be a happier place if there were only 4 working days and the weekend had 3...".
"Maybe for children... they'd certainly be happier."
Does that mean he disagrees?
We didn't continue that conversation.
4. Dylan had two servings of dinner. His gag reflex kicked in at the last 2 bites and he gave up saying he was full (He does that when he doesn't wanna eat anymore. I don't mess with the gag reflexes). I ate the rest of his food. As i'm cleaning up (a good 2 minutes later), he asks me for a bread roll... and THEN he opens a bag of some kind of bread snack.
I don't know if i was outsmarted or if he was just really really hungry.
5. Keeping house is no joke.
I seem to enjoy this place in a pristine state 10% of the time i'm here. Maybe even less.
6. I must be bored/itching for a change/restless/indecisive.
I cut my hair again.
Let's just say i'll be pinning my hair up for a while.
Yeah, not as successful as the last time i attempted this. *sigh*
7. I succeeded the 1st day of my fruit cleansing diet... until dinner time.
Dieting is useless. I don't even know why i try.
8. I finished Angry Birds.
Now i have to redo the whole thing and make sure nobody can top my high scores.
I seriously need to paint or something... this hobby is getting old.
9. I know i'll never wear some of them again... but i have sentimental tie-ins with some of my clothes and i just don't have the heart to get rid of them.
10. Another sweater shrunk in the dryer. *shaking head*
I'm gonna end up with a pile of unwashed clothes because of this fear developed by trauma.
3 more school days until another long weekend...
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
I make the coffee and i prepare Dylan's breakfast. Okay, fine. I really meant- i put the cereal out.
We get ready for school, i drop him off . I chat with a few parents on my way out. I walk down Brent road. I wait for a cab in traffic-congested Leonard Wood. Fail. I jump on a jeepney. The ride doesn't pass my street so i hop off at the corner and make that long, uphill trudge towards my building. It's pouring cats and dogs, by the way.
I'm back at the apartment, i make more coffee, i go online, check my messages, and go on Facebook (naturally). I greet a dear friend a very happy birthday. I glance up, the right top hand corner of my screen to make sure i greeted him on the right day. It says:
Fri Sep 3 8:36 AM.
"September 3", i think to myself. "September 3... what's with September 3?"
You know those times when you know you're supposed to remember something but it just won't come to you? It's at the tip of your tongue, you're almost there, but you can't quite put a finger on it? That's what it felt like.
(eg. That one actor from that one movie... what's his name?)
This happens in the span of 2.2 seconds.
I pause and just sit and just stare and i took a moment and remembered.
For some reason, i don't approach this day with anticipation. This date hardly ever enters my mind, to tell you the truth. Somehow, on the very day itself, it just hits me. There's no count down, i don't expect it, i'm never prepared for it. It just dawns on me all of a sudden.
I don't know why.
What is it with people reliving traumatic experiences? It's not like celebrating a wedding anniversary or your birthday or Christmas. Why do people get hit so hard on the anniversary of something that has left them with scars? Why do we insist on keeping that memory alive? Experience the pain all over again and feel the agony that was once so unbearable... why?
I lost a great friend 8 years ago. It changed me.
I still remember everything so vividly. As if time had not lapsed and i remember it like it was yesterday. From the phone call i put on silent to the dream i had a year later.
My heart racing, the tears i shed, the scream i let out, and the thoughts that filled my head. Clear as day.
I re-read all my past posts on this experience. I, once again, read that article i came across 5 years ago- the one i so unapologetically bashed the same day i discovered it on Google. Each year i read it differently. This time around i read it from a writer's perspective. Strange how time and/or maturity changes certain things.
It seems i have started a tradition of my own.
I can't decide if it's honorable or just sad.
I gave it a good cry. Took some time out of my day to "talk" to him. I can't believe it was so long ago... and time has done its job on healing this wound. I'm guilt-free, but i apologize, nonetheless. No matter what, i just can't get over those damn shoulda-woulda's.
Will i be remembering this day like this for the rest of my life? It seems to be that one day dedicated to reflection. Seeing how far i've come or how much "good" i've lived up to... in a way, making up for the good he missed out on because of my failure to pick up the phone.
A testament of the tragedy on how death strikes the living- appreciating your own due to the loss of someone else's.
I see him everyday when i make that walk out of school. The stroll from Bridgers to the outdoor basketball court. The memory of him racing down that pathway, the excitement in his voice as he yelled at the surprise of my presence, and that giant hug... the biggest anyone has ever given me, by far.
It's been 8 years and i still miss you.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
No more Marley mornings for me.
2. I hate going through my contacts list, running into a name and saying, "Who the f@*% is that?".
3. I wish i had a counter for how many times i've used the phrase "phase of my life".
I've counted 3 on this page alone.
4. For someone i consider to be anything but tech savy... i own a good number of handy electronics. My brand of choice? Mac and Sony.
5. You ever suffer an embarrassing fall, like straight lying on the floor, and then you get up real quick to check if anybody saw? That just happened to me.
As they say in the Philippines, "Sira ang poise".
Good luck translating that into English. Some things are just better said in your native language.
6. My router is preventing me from opening certain web pages. I have parental control on? It's so not celebrity-stalking friendly. What's up with that?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Oh, the fun that was had. Priceless.
Dancing, literally, was my life. I was dancing for fun, dancing for improvement, dancing for a future, dancing for exercise, and of course, dancing for work. It took me places, provided me with stability, and in my mind, i was doing what i loved and excelling in life. It was my dream to pursue this for as long as i lived. But life had other plans for me and this dream came to a screeching halt.
Every now and then i'll run into the friends i shared this life with. The people i spent 90% of my time with way back when. To see my peers doing what we set out to do and their team catapulted into national and international stardom gives me a sense of accomplishment. Not of my own, of course, but for the idealism we shared. A part of me envies their path... but i know now, for sure, that dancing was not for me. It was undoubtedly a huge milestone and a necessary path, but not the life i was meant to live. This analogy is a completely different story.
I'm quite certain that everybody says this at one time or another- the way things are right now just isn't what it used to be. Of course, this holds true to everything and anybody. How do we really expect the way of the world to remain at a stand still? That's just ridiculous.
People will always hold the fondest memories of their youth close to heart. It's a rite of passage to dream about reliving it. You'll know you've reached a certain age of maturity when you've accepted that the past is the past and you move forward with your life. It's one thing to revisit memories, it's another to dwell on them.
Today's youth are so caught up with status. People do certain things to gain a certain image.
Walking into a club these days feel so different from when i first started making "attendance". We used to go to clubs for the sole purpose of dancing. These days we go for the sole purpose of drinking. That, and well, we watch our (DJ) friends play. But you look out into the sea of people, these carbon copy clubheads, and you think to yourself, "Are they really having fun?". Everybody is so dressed up. Too dressed to impress that's it's almost impossible to execute a dance move more complex than the two-step or the fist pump. Why is that? And they all look the same... but that, again, is a different story.
Nobody dances anymore. It's a showcase now. You go to shows or you go to a class. Nobody dances at the club... nor is it appreciated. You'll get booted out of there faster than the guy who vomits all over VIP if you start busting the up-rock and open up a circle. Shame, really. Those circles made for dancing were the highlight of clubbing back in the day.
One thing i come to understand after thinking about this for almost 20 minutes now is this-
It's all about the money now. You open a new club, bigger than ever, not to ensure space so that people can enjoy themselves... it's to accommodate more people to buy booze and give you their hard earned pay. Smart.
And for whatever reason, it works. This is not the end of it either. The scene will evolve. People will get older and the younger ones will begin to step in... and they will only get younger.
Oh well. It is what it is.
I guess i should consider myself lucky that i didn't miss out.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
2. I will look for the slightest excuse to stay home and avoid going to school. This is a natural urge and i battle with it for at least 5 minutes everyday before getting out of bed.
This is coming from the child who never needed prodding to make it to class on time and was always up and about before her mom knocked on her door for her wake-up call.
How times have changed.
3. I am sold on the iPhone and swayed far, far away from the Blackberry bandwagon.
BECAUSE- i play more games than i actually make phone calls or text so it just seems more appropriate. Plus, i'm addicted to Angry Birds and it'll take some serious persuasion on your part to pry me away from it.
Note: Bribing me with food usually works best.
4. I tidied up for 2 days straight before the weekend began... so why does it look like my apartment hasn't been cleaned in over a month? *sigh*
5. I forget how much buried treasure i have sitting in my iTunes until i decide to clean it up for the hell of it. I have thousands and thousands of music to go through... this should be fun.
6. The Philippines has a lot of holidays.
7. Finally got a microwave in my kitchen (2 weeks ago)... i still haven't gotten accustomed to using it again. I think i've used it twice.
My brother, on the other hand, is over the moon.
Well, i can finally buy microwaveable popcorn again. That's always a good thing.
8. My gut feeling is saying that the universe has already picked the setting for the next phase of my life- the beach.
What do i do with all my layered clothing?
9. Prosciutto for breakfast. An awesome way to start a day.
10. I still find it unbelievable, the douche bags i dated in the past.
And i honestly thought i was mentally stable. What a joke.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
What's with the buses lately?
Bus crash in Benguet- kills 41.
Bus collides with car- kills 3, including a 2009 beauty queen.
Bus held hostage- tourists killed.
I'm gonna be staying in Baguio for a while.
Ay, Pilipinas... *shaking head*
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
How does one get to the point where you need certain substances to enhance an experience or deal with a situation? When did being yourself begin to bore you to death or drive you up the walls? How is it that everything you had just wasn't enough?
Take a look around. Think about what you're doing.
If you know what you're getting into- by all means.
If you're second guessing yourself- don't do it.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
“I’m thinking that sometimes you just have to make the decision to be happy. Just realize that things aren’t ever what you hoped they’d be. Not ever. For anybody. The only thing that separates one kind of person from another is that there are some who stay angry about it and there are some who accept what comes their way.”
2. It's already mid-week and i can safely say that i'm ALMOST back to normal. These weekend trips to Manila really know how to knock the wind out of a girl.
3. Been struggling through the first season of Glee.
Not a fan. Never will be.
Fast forward has never been a better friend.
4. Eminem is the only white guy that should ever be allowed to rap. Ever.
5. My body has been sore for 6 days... i will never forget my neck pillow again.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
- I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
- - George Carlin