"THE" wedding that we've been anticipating for the longest time came and went. It was the busiest week i have ever had in a loooooooong time. The wedding, was, as expected, exquisite to the core and wow, did we all have such a great time.
From this experience, i have learned:
1) I will make sure that i pick my bridesmaids according to how much work they are capable of handling and how they manage with stress. Making sure they're all beautiful is a bonus- it does so well for the pictures (even though that sounds completely shallow... i'm lucky because all my girls are gorgeous anyway).
2) Make sure that you have absolutely nothing planned the day after- because post-wedding can be just as much fun (or even more) as the wedding day itself. And
nothing beats "absolutely nothing"- chill, chill, chill.
3) If the venue is located at a far-off place, all the guests should just never leave. It makes for more fun that way- it sucked seeing all the sober people leave because they were preparing themselves for the 2 hour drive back to the city. =(
4) Lots of alcohol makes for interesting pictures.
What am i talking about? I knew that even before the wedding. haha
5) Threelogy is totally hired and recommended to handle wedding AVPs. WOW.
6) Tug of war is not a good wedding game. haha
7) Secret alcoholic beverage is key. =p
8) Special video presentation from close friend leads to tears and makes for good jokes. haha
[this is turning into inside jokes, i'll stop now]
UNemployment:
This might be the first time in my life since i started working where i'm not stressed out, or in a state of panic over not having any gigs lined up for me. It must be because i know something will come up, eventually, and well, i really needed the vacation.
I love my job and everything that has anything to do with it. Looking for music, digging up lost/forgotten tunes, discovering the new "bangers", laughing over the stupid new singles that come out, late night practice sessions, late night recordings, traveling, entertaining a crowd, drinking on the job (haha) and of course, being able to kick it with my people.
Seriously, what's not to love? I'm no major sensation by any means, and my name isn't recognized when it's put out there... but it's fun, it's gotten me by, it's shown me some serious things i wouldn't have experienced otherwise, and i'm working with something i'm passionate about. Not a lot of people can say that about their work.
I consider myself one of the lucky ones.
So... unemployment turned out to be a breath of fresh air and it came right on time for the big reunion i had to be in Baguio for anyway. Therefore, while i was up there, i didn't have to worry about missing work or think of what i had to catch up on when i got back. Everything played out well and not having a job turned out to be more of a blessing than anything else.
The Reunion:
My school turned 100 years old last week.
The faces i saw, the scenes that played out, and the sounds i heard were things i haven't experienced in over a decade. Insane.
It was absolutely wonderful.
There's something about reconnecting with your past that's so refreshing. Being able to relive your fondest memories, and being reminded of the things that have slipped your mind but are great nonetheless.
It's good to know that some things that you deem important are shared by many others. It wasn't something stupid that only affected you. You weren't alone in the thought. To me, that's pretty damn cool.
My favorite would have to be the canteen (cafeteria) stories. There was a discussion brought up about how the new people working at the new canteen were actually NICE. We had this cranky old woman that used to yell at us or take our orders in the crankiest manner. "o, you?? what you want??" In the best Filipino-English accent you can come up with, whilst pointing her finger at you with a grim look on her face.
She was nice when there were teachers or parents in the vicinity. Other than that, she was just cranky. haha
But we got used to her and even though she carried on with that attitude, the students didn't seem to mind.
Then, a certain point was brought up, "Well, have you seen the new students during break? They line up, and they're actually pretty nice. Remember how we were?"
We only had 20 minutes recess time. The Canteen was a small room with one counter for the food, and another tiny counter for the drinks. 20 minutes. All the students. What did you expect, right?
"MANAAAAAAANG!!! MANANG!!!" Yelling and pushing and money in the air. It wasn't something too far from a scene you would see in the movies... of agents on Wall Street.
"We weren't the greatest kids... i'm sure she was pretty nice before then."
The school has changed a lot since i used to go there.
It's really more beautiful than ever.
...and then NOTHING:
After all the hubbub and excitement i collapsed into a 14 hour REM state. It was incredible. And i woke up with absolutely nothing to do.
At last, there was peace. Not to say that all the excitement was a bad thing... but i guess i'm not as crazy as i used to be and a week long of crazy was all i could really take. I was recharged and ready for what my vacation was supposed to be for- cleansing. haha. In the mental sense, anyway.
I was able to write, watch DVDs, read books, and write some more. I was very happy with my accomplishments, and glad to report that i'm awesome. =p
Looking forward to the daily grind in the city... and just fully amazed that i can actually say i've reached IRIE. well, for now, anyway.
Showing posts with label series of life events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label series of life events. Show all posts
Friday, March 13, 2009
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Intense highland fever & serious flashbacks
It was so good to be home.
I haven't been out of Manila (with the intention of getting much needed R&R) in over 2 years. The last time i was home wasn't exactly a joyful occasion. This was it. The "vacation" i was waiting for- it's just a bit strange that my vacation is set at a place where i grew up.
Baguio is different now. The familiar places look beaten down and neglected. The new places and random buildings that have popped up everywhere look so out of place. There's traffic! And the scent of pine is almost non-existent.
It's shocking what time can do to such a beautiful place.
But there are places that have been left untouched. Streets that look exactly the same as if i was on it just yesterday on my way to school. Random stops on the side of the road where i used to take breaks when i would ride my bike. My old school where i spent a chunk of my childhood and experienced some of the most memorable times of my life. My house.
I love going home. It reminds me about who i really am. It awakens long forgotten stories that should be remembered. It just brings me back to a really good time in my life... and i'm happy it will always be like that.
The past few months have been very heavy. The holidays whizzed past me and i didn't even notice it come and go. I've been spreading myself quite thin and i've been running myself to the ground. My dad thought i should go home so that i could "find myself".
I planned to go home, appreciate the peace and quiet, read a few books, drink lots of coffee, eat at all my favorite places (all 2 of them. haha) think, and write. Write a lot, actually.
It didn't go quite as i planned. But in a good way, make no mistake about that.
i have so many things running through my head right now.
I'm still in Baguio mode (thus, the highland fever) and i can't manage to get back into the swing of Manila. I'm trying to sort things out and go about my life like i have to all at the same time. Does that even make any sense?
I ran into a friend that i haven't spoken to in about 11 years. Serious flashback, that was.
but i can't think. I can't write. A part of me wants to put all of this down on paper... and a huge part of me just wants to keep it all to myself.
Maybe i'll just have to continue this some other time.
I haven't been out of Manila (with the intention of getting much needed R&R) in over 2 years. The last time i was home wasn't exactly a joyful occasion. This was it. The "vacation" i was waiting for- it's just a bit strange that my vacation is set at a place where i grew up.
Baguio is different now. The familiar places look beaten down and neglected. The new places and random buildings that have popped up everywhere look so out of place. There's traffic! And the scent of pine is almost non-existent.
It's shocking what time can do to such a beautiful place.
But there are places that have been left untouched. Streets that look exactly the same as if i was on it just yesterday on my way to school. Random stops on the side of the road where i used to take breaks when i would ride my bike. My old school where i spent a chunk of my childhood and experienced some of the most memorable times of my life. My house.
I love going home. It reminds me about who i really am. It awakens long forgotten stories that should be remembered. It just brings me back to a really good time in my life... and i'm happy it will always be like that.
The past few months have been very heavy. The holidays whizzed past me and i didn't even notice it come and go. I've been spreading myself quite thin and i've been running myself to the ground. My dad thought i should go home so that i could "find myself".
I planned to go home, appreciate the peace and quiet, read a few books, drink lots of coffee, eat at all my favorite places (all 2 of them. haha) think, and write. Write a lot, actually.
It didn't go quite as i planned. But in a good way, make no mistake about that.
i have so many things running through my head right now.
I'm still in Baguio mode (thus, the highland fever) and i can't manage to get back into the swing of Manila. I'm trying to sort things out and go about my life like i have to all at the same time. Does that even make any sense?
I ran into a friend that i haven't spoken to in about 11 years. Serious flashback, that was.
but i can't think. I can't write. A part of me wants to put all of this down on paper... and a huge part of me just wants to keep it all to myself.
Maybe i'll just have to continue this some other time.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Through the Fire
Done.
It's all done.
The last month was probably another shift in my life... and i'm still trying to get used to all the changes.
I've said goodbye to my grandmother.
I've done the Palawan gig (which turned out to be the Palawan trip from hell).
I said "til next time..." to Ian.
I finished packing for Ian.
I landed a day-job and ended it just as fast as i got it.
We've finally decided to put Dylan into school- and it's pushing through.
I've established contacts in terms of my jewelry.
I'm getting to know different people more and more.
I'm getting worried about my leg- it's given up on me a few times and i might need to get an operation.
I'm moving on.
Something that i have just stated in 10 sentences is actually the complete sum up of my life in the past few weeks. I've been so caught up with "preoccupying" myself, i never really wanted to write about it. I had so many things to do, i was running around the metro and catching my breath only when time permitted it.
I was living. Getting through the day one step at a time... just simply, getting through it.
Ian's been gone for over 2 weeks now. It sounds quite pathetic... but i really feel different without him. It's just what happens in relationships, i guess. You're so used to being a "we", you forget how to function just as "me".
I've been doing alright though... the day job took up a good amount of my time... and i've made the extra effort to hang out and make plans with people.
I'm working on getting more work and handling more projects.
I'm working on making sure i'm a good enough mom.
I'm doing so many things with the intention of, not just improving myself, but improving my life in general.
I've gone through some things i thought i would never be able to hurdle my way through... but i've done it, and i've overcome it.
Shit happens. That's life.
But i'm still okay. I'm still strong.
I'm doing it for the people that matter.
It's all done.
The last month was probably another shift in my life... and i'm still trying to get used to all the changes.
I've said goodbye to my grandmother.
I've done the Palawan gig (which turned out to be the Palawan trip from hell).
I said "til next time..." to Ian.
I finished packing for Ian.
I landed a day-job and ended it just as fast as i got it.
We've finally decided to put Dylan into school- and it's pushing through.
I've established contacts in terms of my jewelry.
I'm getting to know different people more and more.
I'm getting worried about my leg- it's given up on me a few times and i might need to get an operation.
I'm moving on.
Something that i have just stated in 10 sentences is actually the complete sum up of my life in the past few weeks. I've been so caught up with "preoccupying" myself, i never really wanted to write about it. I had so many things to do, i was running around the metro and catching my breath only when time permitted it.
I was living. Getting through the day one step at a time... just simply, getting through it.
Ian's been gone for over 2 weeks now. It sounds quite pathetic... but i really feel different without him. It's just what happens in relationships, i guess. You're so used to being a "we", you forget how to function just as "me".
I've been doing alright though... the day job took up a good amount of my time... and i've made the extra effort to hang out and make plans with people.
I'm working on getting more work and handling more projects.
I'm working on making sure i'm a good enough mom.
I'm doing so many things with the intention of, not just improving myself, but improving my life in general.
I've gone through some things i thought i would never be able to hurdle my way through... but i've done it, and i've overcome it.
Shit happens. That's life.
But i'm still okay. I'm still strong.
I'm doing it for the people that matter.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Empty pitchers and Girl Time
You're never alone. Even if you think you are... the world is massive... you're not alone, trust me.
Just when i thought i had one of the worst weekends of my life and the sadness started to creep in much deeper and i began to cave in... i found out i wasn't as alone as i thought.
Girl time couldn't have come at a much better time. I've said it before, no matter how great your significant other is, and your guy friends are dope, a girl will always need girls.
So i find out that everybody is going through some kind of struggle. Everyone thinks everyone else is leading a better life only to find out that you're on the same boat anyway. Funny, isn't it? Maybe it's just the season to contemplate. A very deep soul-searching session is needed. Everybody is going through their 20's life crisis. The older generation would read this and proceed to laugh at our troubles, i'm sure.
Here's the thing. Is the glass half empty or half full? I read somewhere that someone thought their glass was neither- and concluded with the answer of it being completely empty, period.
Do you have any idea how many people are feeling that way today?
A lot.
The 20's- the decade of your life that's supposed to rock. Are we all starting to grow up too fast? These days, before you hit 30, you're supposed to already have a plan. You're supposed to be sure of yourself, make that decision and start the process of "the rest of your life".
The rest of your life is serious stuff. It's a bit scary. A million "what ifs" to be answered.
I didn't think i'd feel old at the age of 24. But i'm planning the rest of my life as i type this. I'm making decisions and taking steps to get me closer to my goal.
Yeah... all this because someone thought her pitcher was empty and i had girl time yesterday. I'll write about that some other time...
peas.
Just when i thought i had one of the worst weekends of my life and the sadness started to creep in much deeper and i began to cave in... i found out i wasn't as alone as i thought.
Girl time couldn't have come at a much better time. I've said it before, no matter how great your significant other is, and your guy friends are dope, a girl will always need girls.
So i find out that everybody is going through some kind of struggle. Everyone thinks everyone else is leading a better life only to find out that you're on the same boat anyway. Funny, isn't it? Maybe it's just the season to contemplate. A very deep soul-searching session is needed. Everybody is going through their 20's life crisis. The older generation would read this and proceed to laugh at our troubles, i'm sure.
Here's the thing. Is the glass half empty or half full? I read somewhere that someone thought their glass was neither- and concluded with the answer of it being completely empty, period.
Do you have any idea how many people are feeling that way today?
A lot.
The 20's- the decade of your life that's supposed to rock. Are we all starting to grow up too fast? These days, before you hit 30, you're supposed to already have a plan. You're supposed to be sure of yourself, make that decision and start the process of "the rest of your life".
The rest of your life is serious stuff. It's a bit scary. A million "what ifs" to be answered.
I didn't think i'd feel old at the age of 24. But i'm planning the rest of my life as i type this. I'm making decisions and taking steps to get me closer to my goal.
Yeah... all this because someone thought her pitcher was empty and i had girl time yesterday. I'll write about that some other time...
peas.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Can i get a dollar?
This post is based on absolutely nothing. A random babbling session. I've been too busy living and going about my day to actually have time to sit and write about the chaos going on in my head. But there are some things i feel need to be taken off my chest...
Last week, at work, i played for about 2 and a half hours. That's approximately (fine, exactly) an hour and a half more than what i'm being paid for. Perhaps because Mark isn't here, the schedule has changed... but that's beside the point. 2 and a half hours straight is still pretty freakin' long- no matter what anybody says. To add to that, it was pre-primetime. That means, i couldn't really play all the hits and all the bangers that everybody's so into nowadays. I think i sold out more than 9 times (i played HUMPS!!! for the love of elmo!!!), and without a doubt, i think i had a moment when people thought i was just downright a horrible DJ. Not such a good thing- really.
The reason: DJ #1 didn't have a charger and DJ #2 showed up 3 hours late (with a charger)
The kicker: i worked my ass off only to get paid less than what i expected... and just as much as DJ #2.
The problem: Can i just say- does that mean it's alright for me to show up to work 3 hours late? So working your ass off and slacking off is rewarded equally? I must be such a jackass... always having anxiety attacks to be there on time, keeping it professional... what a waste of time and energy. I mean, for what?!?! nobody gives a damn, right? I think that was verified for me last week.
The heartbreaker: i do it and i don't complain. What am i supposed to do? i think being this naive is implanted in my genetic code. So i shut the hell up and do what i'm told. Because that's just the way it is... no matter how much i freakin' hate it. I hate that i depend on this. But i do it coz i have to. It's a little sad. I think having to deal with all this took all the magic out of playing music- when all these years, it was what kept me going. *sigh*
So it's Friday, yet again. I'm gonna get there on time and put on my happy face. I do what i'm told and i'm grateful for the opportunity and the job a million people would die to have. It looks great on the surface, doesn't it? The grass is always greener on the other side. I commend those who know that they're walking on the greener pastures. Lucky sons of bitches. (joke) haha
We're experiencing stupid-weather season. It always happens to pour on days i'm scheduled to go out. I swear, someone out there is trying to spite me.
The weather seems to have a lot to do with my mood. So... yeah, i'm a bit damp at the moment.
I know i sound like i'm completely bitter... but in all honesty, i'm not. I'm just looking from outside the box and i don't like what i'm seeing. I've been standing up for things i thought have always been right- only to have people look at me and spit at my principles and values, almost yelling at me, that it doesn't mean jack shit. When i try to rebel and go with what everyone else has been doing (it hasn't done them any bad, so far), it bites me right smack on the ass. I get the "late" lecture when i'm hardly ever late... and at most, it'll be 10mins (when i do it on purpose coz i'm sick of waiting by myself at a venue for 40 god-forsaken minutes).
I don't get it.
I wish i could say i was doing all this just for fun. But that's not the case. I know it's not pocket change... but i just wish it was fair.
This is the moment when someone comes up to me, puts a hand on my shoulder, and gives me the concerned look... and then will softly utter the words, "but life isn't fair, dear".
You can go to hell then, bitch.
(i promise i'll write something more cheerful next time. It's raining... so i'm kind of just letting things pour... ALRIGHTY THEN - PEACE, TRUE LOVE & HAPPINESS!)
Last week, at work, i played for about 2 and a half hours. That's approximately (fine, exactly) an hour and a half more than what i'm being paid for. Perhaps because Mark isn't here, the schedule has changed... but that's beside the point. 2 and a half hours straight is still pretty freakin' long- no matter what anybody says. To add to that, it was pre-primetime. That means, i couldn't really play all the hits and all the bangers that everybody's so into nowadays. I think i sold out more than 9 times (i played HUMPS!!! for the love of elmo!!!), and without a doubt, i think i had a moment when people thought i was just downright a horrible DJ. Not such a good thing- really.
The reason: DJ #1 didn't have a charger and DJ #2 showed up 3 hours late (with a charger)
The kicker: i worked my ass off only to get paid less than what i expected... and just as much as DJ #2.
The problem: Can i just say- does that mean it's alright for me to show up to work 3 hours late? So working your ass off and slacking off is rewarded equally? I must be such a jackass... always having anxiety attacks to be there on time, keeping it professional... what a waste of time and energy. I mean, for what?!?! nobody gives a damn, right? I think that was verified for me last week.
The heartbreaker: i do it and i don't complain. What am i supposed to do? i think being this naive is implanted in my genetic code. So i shut the hell up and do what i'm told. Because that's just the way it is... no matter how much i freakin' hate it. I hate that i depend on this. But i do it coz i have to. It's a little sad. I think having to deal with all this took all the magic out of playing music- when all these years, it was what kept me going. *sigh*
So it's Friday, yet again. I'm gonna get there on time and put on my happy face. I do what i'm told and i'm grateful for the opportunity and the job a million people would die to have. It looks great on the surface, doesn't it? The grass is always greener on the other side. I commend those who know that they're walking on the greener pastures. Lucky sons of bitches. (joke) haha
We're experiencing stupid-weather season. It always happens to pour on days i'm scheduled to go out. I swear, someone out there is trying to spite me.
The weather seems to have a lot to do with my mood. So... yeah, i'm a bit damp at the moment.
I know i sound like i'm completely bitter... but in all honesty, i'm not. I'm just looking from outside the box and i don't like what i'm seeing. I've been standing up for things i thought have always been right- only to have people look at me and spit at my principles and values, almost yelling at me, that it doesn't mean jack shit. When i try to rebel and go with what everyone else has been doing (it hasn't done them any bad, so far), it bites me right smack on the ass. I get the "late" lecture when i'm hardly ever late... and at most, it'll be 10mins (when i do it on purpose coz i'm sick of waiting by myself at a venue for 40 god-forsaken minutes).
I don't get it.
I wish i could say i was doing all this just for fun. But that's not the case. I know it's not pocket change... but i just wish it was fair.
This is the moment when someone comes up to me, puts a hand on my shoulder, and gives me the concerned look... and then will softly utter the words, "but life isn't fair, dear".
You can go to hell then, bitch.
(i promise i'll write something more cheerful next time. It's raining... so i'm kind of just letting things pour... ALRIGHTY THEN - PEACE, TRUE LOVE & HAPPINESS!)
Sunday, August 19, 2007
A moment of retardation
A very short-lived cheap thrill.
It was an ordinary Saturday night. Another day at the office, i'd like to call it. The only thing that made this Saturday extraordinary was (1)we had a theme (90's HipHop) and (2)it was Sarah's birthday weekend. The night wears on like any other.
It's somewhere around 2am (atleast, i THINK it was) and i'm talking to Jena in one of those VIP rooms upstairs. And then, she says it. "Omigod, he's here..."
I turn around and look. I think about it for a split second. No more, no less. I tell Jena, "I'm gonna go talk to him."
She replies, "What?!?! What are you gonna say?"
I joke, "I don't know! I'm gonna ask him if i can be in one of his movies."
With that, i quickly make my way towards him. With every step i take, my mind races, with every ounce of sense & strength- i needed to come up with something to say. I'm an idiot and i can't believe i'm doing this.
I'm right in front of him and he's looking straight at me. Kinda hard to ignore someone my size standing dead-straight in front of you, right?
And i begin to babble. And i mean BABBLE. I say something along the lines of-
"I know you probably get this all the time, and i don't mean to be cliche or anything... but i'd just like to say that..." (for me to know, you don't need to know)
I, of course, compliment him on his work and all that crap that just seems absolutely ridiculous, now that i think about it. ANd of course, my retarded self ended our conversation with (1) me, asking him, if he needed anybody (female, filipina dj-ish) in any one of his films, to give me a call (in which he responds with, "i'll take you up on that", which he probably just said for the hell of it) and (2) me telling him, to "go ahead and do whatever it is that you do".
YEs.
He was wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers.
Had it been anybody else, i really wouldn't have even bothered to make the effort (unless, of course, it was Johnny Depp. But that's a whole new strategy on its own). I'm not really fanatic by nature. I'm nothing close to being a groupie nor a band-aid in whatever form. I harldy ever get star-struck, really. But i had to. It was way too legendary to pass up.
Now i can say that i actually had a conversation with Quentin Tarantino. Personally, i think that's quite fresh.
Okay, so he prolly forgot about me the minute (even the second) i disappeared from his sight. He probably doesn't even remember me at all... then again, i'm sure of it. But i don't care. It was retarded... yet fun. =) yay for me.
It's something i like to laugh at... i never thought i'd ever cross paths with him, you see.
Maybe i'm a tiny bit of a fanatic after all... =p
Gimme a break. I was drunk. LOL!
It was an ordinary Saturday night. Another day at the office, i'd like to call it. The only thing that made this Saturday extraordinary was (1)we had a theme (90's HipHop) and (2)it was Sarah's birthday weekend. The night wears on like any other.
It's somewhere around 2am (atleast, i THINK it was) and i'm talking to Jena in one of those VIP rooms upstairs. And then, she says it. "Omigod, he's here..."
I turn around and look. I think about it for a split second. No more, no less. I tell Jena, "I'm gonna go talk to him."
She replies, "What?!?! What are you gonna say?"
I joke, "I don't know! I'm gonna ask him if i can be in one of his movies."
With that, i quickly make my way towards him. With every step i take, my mind races, with every ounce of sense & strength- i needed to come up with something to say. I'm an idiot and i can't believe i'm doing this.
I'm right in front of him and he's looking straight at me. Kinda hard to ignore someone my size standing dead-straight in front of you, right?
And i begin to babble. And i mean BABBLE. I say something along the lines of-
"I know you probably get this all the time, and i don't mean to be cliche or anything... but i'd just like to say that..." (for me to know, you don't need to know)
I, of course, compliment him on his work and all that crap that just seems absolutely ridiculous, now that i think about it. ANd of course, my retarded self ended our conversation with (1) me, asking him, if he needed anybody (female, filipina dj-ish) in any one of his films, to give me a call (in which he responds with, "i'll take you up on that", which he probably just said for the hell of it) and (2) me telling him, to "go ahead and do whatever it is that you do".
YEs.
He was wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers.
Had it been anybody else, i really wouldn't have even bothered to make the effort (unless, of course, it was Johnny Depp. But that's a whole new strategy on its own). I'm not really fanatic by nature. I'm nothing close to being a groupie nor a band-aid in whatever form. I harldy ever get star-struck, really. But i had to. It was way too legendary to pass up.
Now i can say that i actually had a conversation with Quentin Tarantino. Personally, i think that's quite fresh.
Okay, so he prolly forgot about me the minute (even the second) i disappeared from his sight. He probably doesn't even remember me at all... then again, i'm sure of it. But i don't care. It was retarded... yet fun. =) yay for me.
It's something i like to laugh at... i never thought i'd ever cross paths with him, you see.
Maybe i'm a tiny bit of a fanatic after all... =p
Gimme a break. I was drunk. LOL!
Monday, July 9, 2007
Sweet Escape
10:03pm. Friday night. I'm 3 minutes late for work. Ian decided to come out tonight. It's my birthday thing, you see. We just had dinner at my place with my whole family. It was intimate and sweet... but i had to rush getting ready for work and i left without having any cake. I didn't want to be late.
An old friend i haven't spoken to or heard from in 8 years is meeting me tonight. It should be a good night.
Another friend of mine was throwing a despedida. She gave me "a little something" as a "birthday gift". They're blue. Yeah, it was gonna be a good night.
11:30pm. I'm on. I usually play for about an hour. I've had 3 rhum-cokes already. The place isn't as packed as it was last week. I'm not feeling too hot. I think i could do a lot better. The equipment, always the equipment at this place. It messes up a few times. It's not my fault but it makes me look bad. They fixed the airconditioning, retiled the floors, bought new lights and fixed the outdoor fan... they should've bought new CDJs too, dammit. It might not seem that big of a deal... but they're just as important as those turns.
12:30am. Technically, it's STILL Friday night... but really, it's Satruday morning. I'm finally catching up with Christia (i haven't seen her in years!) and we're having s great time. We drink a bit more and knocked back a few shots. I'm sentimental. I get lost in our conversation because i love to reminisce. Hey, it's such a good night... let's make it more interesting. The "blue birthday gift" i got earlier? Yeah. Done.
1:00am. Ian's still at the club. He has work tomorrow. I have to ask him what time he's leaving... he can't stay out too late. He has to go home soon. I pull the front door open and casually walk in. I look for Ian.
Lots of people.
Couch.
Bathroom.
CD case.
Pic?
Cab.
Ian.
Sidewalk.
Bed.
8:30am, Saturday morning. For the love of Elmo, what the hell just happened?
I'm in my sleeping clothes at Ian's pad. Ian left for work already. I just heard the door shut. I think i left some important CDs in the player last night. Crap. I have work again tonight, i need those. I get up to check. My head is pounding.
What do you know? They're there. Ian must have put my things away. Aww... that's so nice.
Only he didn't. Apparently, i did. We also didn't leave at 1am. We stayed til around 3am. Yeah, i was so plastered, i don't remember a thing. That's where i start to freak out... I ALWAYS remember what i do. Being drunk is a poor excuse to do stupid things. It plays a huge part in the stupidity... but a poor excuse nonetheless.
Hi. My name is Thea... and i'm an alcoholic.
I'm not supposed to put this kind of thing on blast. But i've done some serious thinking and i want to put this out there.
In the past few weeks, i've blamed my alcohol consumption or certain drug abuse on the dilemmas that have happened in my life. YEah, when life throws a curve ball and i get high blood pressure at some point in my day, my mission is to escape on weekends and drink til i'm dillusional. It sounds idiotic. A lot of people would say it's therapeutic.
If it were every now and then, maybe therapeutic would be considered... but not every single time we hit the bar though... that's a different story. And i'm not just saying about the veteran club-goers who just drink to pass time and have fun... i'm talking about those of us who drink to forget. To escape the fact that reality is a bit tougher than we figured.
That was a lot harder to admit than i excpected.
I may be self destructing. I know for a fact that what i'm doing to myself can't be good. I've said it before, i'll say it again- my liver hates me. I wouldn't be surprised if my lungs did too... my brain wouldn't hesitate to jump in that same band wagon either.
Nobody ever said life was gonna be easy. Being given the gift to exist doesn't come with a warranty if something goes wrong. It's also not guaranteed satisfaction. Some people glide through life like pros (or so it seems), while others just can't keep up with the pace. Who's to say that you can handle whatever is thrown your way? How did it go? Right- "It wouldn't have presented itself to you if He knew you couldn't handle it".
Is it such a bad thing to try to get away from the unpleasant things that stare at you everyday?
I've formed my own little world and i haven't let anybody in. It's hard for me to do that. I'm always supposed to be okay. I'm always the one to pull through. I'm not the one that sits around and does nothing when i know there's work to be done and bills to be paid.
But nobody sees that.
Everyone is fighting a harder battle.
It's a sad realization to find it hard to be happy unless intoxicated. I refused to believe it until i woke up one morning not remembering a thing. I did it to myself for a reason... and denial is such a bitch. My worst enemy is most likely me.
I'm not being cynical. C'mon, the teenage junkie/alcoholic gag is so passe.
I'm coming clean... no pun intended.
Dependency and will power aren't as simple as they seem.
It all started with one night. Just to "get away". Stupidity can sometimes be synonymous to FUN. And the things you do in life, the choices we all make... well, they all come with a price. I'm not sticking around long enough to find out where this one could take me. I've read the articles and i've seen the documentaries. I'm not trying to prove i'm better than anyone else. I'm not trying to set some kind of record either.
I'm trying to make life better.
So much for the sweet escape.
I thought i was making life better... it took something completely idiotic to tell me that i was walking down the wrong alley.
To a certain extent, it does help. For a momement, i do escape. Everything is fine. But that's all a have- a moment. It's not permanent... well, atleast the experience isn't. The damage, however... well, that's a different story.
As human beings, we learn our greatest lessons through tragedy. Apparently, bad things have more of an impact than the good, happy stuff.
I'd much rather know that my real life is making an improvement rather than making myself "happy" a couple of times a week while i deteriorate from the inside.
Deal with it. Why should i trade in the rest of my life for a few retarded, artificial happiness moments?
I have so much to live for. I want to be around for a long time. Some people may think that this really is just nothing... I look at it as the first step to solving a problem.
Really, it's just not worth it...
An old friend i haven't spoken to or heard from in 8 years is meeting me tonight. It should be a good night.
Another friend of mine was throwing a despedida. She gave me "a little something" as a "birthday gift". They're blue. Yeah, it was gonna be a good night.
11:30pm. I'm on. I usually play for about an hour. I've had 3 rhum-cokes already. The place isn't as packed as it was last week. I'm not feeling too hot. I think i could do a lot better. The equipment, always the equipment at this place. It messes up a few times. It's not my fault but it makes me look bad. They fixed the airconditioning, retiled the floors, bought new lights and fixed the outdoor fan... they should've bought new CDJs too, dammit. It might not seem that big of a deal... but they're just as important as those turns.
12:30am. Technically, it's STILL Friday night... but really, it's Satruday morning. I'm finally catching up with Christia (i haven't seen her in years!) and we're having s great time. We drink a bit more and knocked back a few shots. I'm sentimental. I get lost in our conversation because i love to reminisce. Hey, it's such a good night... let's make it more interesting. The "blue birthday gift" i got earlier? Yeah. Done.
1:00am. Ian's still at the club. He has work tomorrow. I have to ask him what time he's leaving... he can't stay out too late. He has to go home soon. I pull the front door open and casually walk in. I look for Ian.
Lots of people.
Couch.
Bathroom.
CD case.
Pic?
Cab.
Ian.
Sidewalk.
Bed.
8:30am, Saturday morning. For the love of Elmo, what the hell just happened?
I'm in my sleeping clothes at Ian's pad. Ian left for work already. I just heard the door shut. I think i left some important CDs in the player last night. Crap. I have work again tonight, i need those. I get up to check. My head is pounding.
What do you know? They're there. Ian must have put my things away. Aww... that's so nice.
Only he didn't. Apparently, i did. We also didn't leave at 1am. We stayed til around 3am. Yeah, i was so plastered, i don't remember a thing. That's where i start to freak out... I ALWAYS remember what i do. Being drunk is a poor excuse to do stupid things. It plays a huge part in the stupidity... but a poor excuse nonetheless.
Hi. My name is Thea... and i'm an alcoholic.
I'm not supposed to put this kind of thing on blast. But i've done some serious thinking and i want to put this out there.
In the past few weeks, i've blamed my alcohol consumption or certain drug abuse on the dilemmas that have happened in my life. YEah, when life throws a curve ball and i get high blood pressure at some point in my day, my mission is to escape on weekends and drink til i'm dillusional. It sounds idiotic. A lot of people would say it's therapeutic.
If it were every now and then, maybe therapeutic would be considered... but not every single time we hit the bar though... that's a different story. And i'm not just saying about the veteran club-goers who just drink to pass time and have fun... i'm talking about those of us who drink to forget. To escape the fact that reality is a bit tougher than we figured.
That was a lot harder to admit than i excpected.
I may be self destructing. I know for a fact that what i'm doing to myself can't be good. I've said it before, i'll say it again- my liver hates me. I wouldn't be surprised if my lungs did too... my brain wouldn't hesitate to jump in that same band wagon either.
Nobody ever said life was gonna be easy. Being given the gift to exist doesn't come with a warranty if something goes wrong. It's also not guaranteed satisfaction. Some people glide through life like pros (or so it seems), while others just can't keep up with the pace. Who's to say that you can handle whatever is thrown your way? How did it go? Right- "It wouldn't have presented itself to you if He knew you couldn't handle it".
Is it such a bad thing to try to get away from the unpleasant things that stare at you everyday?
I've formed my own little world and i haven't let anybody in. It's hard for me to do that. I'm always supposed to be okay. I'm always the one to pull through. I'm not the one that sits around and does nothing when i know there's work to be done and bills to be paid.
But nobody sees that.
Everyone is fighting a harder battle.
It's a sad realization to find it hard to be happy unless intoxicated. I refused to believe it until i woke up one morning not remembering a thing. I did it to myself for a reason... and denial is such a bitch. My worst enemy is most likely me.
I'm not being cynical. C'mon, the teenage junkie/alcoholic gag is so passe.
I'm coming clean... no pun intended.
Dependency and will power aren't as simple as they seem.
It all started with one night. Just to "get away". Stupidity can sometimes be synonymous to FUN. And the things you do in life, the choices we all make... well, they all come with a price. I'm not sticking around long enough to find out where this one could take me. I've read the articles and i've seen the documentaries. I'm not trying to prove i'm better than anyone else. I'm not trying to set some kind of record either.
I'm trying to make life better.
So much for the sweet escape.
I thought i was making life better... it took something completely idiotic to tell me that i was walking down the wrong alley.
To a certain extent, it does help. For a momement, i do escape. Everything is fine. But that's all a have- a moment. It's not permanent... well, atleast the experience isn't. The damage, however... well, that's a different story.
As human beings, we learn our greatest lessons through tragedy. Apparently, bad things have more of an impact than the good, happy stuff.
I'd much rather know that my real life is making an improvement rather than making myself "happy" a couple of times a week while i deteriorate from the inside.
Deal with it. Why should i trade in the rest of my life for a few retarded, artificial happiness moments?
I have so much to live for. I want to be around for a long time. Some people may think that this really is just nothing... I look at it as the first step to solving a problem.
Really, it's just not worth it...
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
One fine day
A day like any other.
I woke up to the words "i love you". I went out to buy eggs and made Dylan and the boys breakfast. I spent the morning watching Dylan's movies. We skipped lunch because breakfast was considered brunch. When Dylan went down for his nap, i spent the whole afternoon finishing the 2nd season of Prison Break (it's one of the worst series i have ever seen, but it kept me preoccupied for a few days).
We bought chicken for dinner and we had ice cream for dessert. I played with Dylan the rest of the night. I got kicked in the face, my hair was pulled, there were toys everywhere, the room was a mess, and Dylan was filthy. I gave Dylan a bath, my dad cleaned up his toys and now the ever-so-hyper 3 year old is getting ready for bed.
What an ordinary day. Nothing out of the norm.
I turned 24 today.
I've been waiting to turn 24 since i was 13, i think. I don't know why. I thought it had a nice ring to it. Ridiculous, yes. When we were young, we all just couldn't wait to grow up. "Grown up" lives looked fun and promising. Running our own lives and making our own decisions. Yet the older we get, we only long to be young once again. How ironic.
I haven't decided if this means anything yet... but shoot... i turned 24 today.
I woke up to the words "i love you". I went out to buy eggs and made Dylan and the boys breakfast. I spent the morning watching Dylan's movies. We skipped lunch because breakfast was considered brunch. When Dylan went down for his nap, i spent the whole afternoon finishing the 2nd season of Prison Break (it's one of the worst series i have ever seen, but it kept me preoccupied for a few days).
We bought chicken for dinner and we had ice cream for dessert. I played with Dylan the rest of the night. I got kicked in the face, my hair was pulled, there were toys everywhere, the room was a mess, and Dylan was filthy. I gave Dylan a bath, my dad cleaned up his toys and now the ever-so-hyper 3 year old is getting ready for bed.
What an ordinary day. Nothing out of the norm.
I turned 24 today.
I've been waiting to turn 24 since i was 13, i think. I don't know why. I thought it had a nice ring to it. Ridiculous, yes. When we were young, we all just couldn't wait to grow up. "Grown up" lives looked fun and promising. Running our own lives and making our own decisions. Yet the older we get, we only long to be young once again. How ironic.
I haven't decided if this means anything yet... but shoot... i turned 24 today.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Silver Lining
"Every cloud has a silver lining..."
"Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit."
-anonymous
The greatest things i have experienced in my life, the ones i am most grateful for, and have made me extremely happy, all started with a downfall. The result of something i thought broke my spirit. There's a reason for everything... i truly believe that. Now, more than ever. As stupid as chliches may seem (and they're the worst when you're not in the mood to hear them), they're cliches for a reason. They really do mean something.
The past 4 years of my life made me feel more "grown up" than ever. At first, i found it to be so unfair... to hand over a burden to someone so young. Was it not enough that i wasn't able to achieve certain dreams and goals that i had planned for myself? Did i not step up to my responsibilities enough? I thought it was all enough. I thought i had paid my dues. I thought wrong.
I started making my own money at the age of 17. The same year i stopped getting an allowance. I never set foot on a college campus with the intention of learning or going to school. It was always just for a visit... even though growing up as a geek, it was the only thing i ever wanted after high school. Yes, i live for white picket fences, SUVs, the modern woman and the whole shebang. I wanted the picture perfect life. I grew up in a small city, the homey environment, friendly faces, and pretty neighborhoods... other than that, i guess you can say it's just in my nature.
I didn't grow up with the easiest life. Then again, nobody did. We all think we have our own problems to deal with, but right now, i'm not really vying for the "my-so-called-life-sucked-and-i-deserve-a-break" award. I'm heading towards a more positive note... that the shitty things in life happen for a reason, no matter how unbearable they may seem at that point.
The Surprise
I had Dylan when i was 20 years old. My sister just turned 20 about 3 months ago... and i can't imagine someone that young stepping up to something so serious. Being a parent is no joke. A single parent, at that. Kudos to those who have become parents at an even younger age and managed to get by alright.
I'm not ashamed to admit that, the first time i found out i was pregnant, i thought it was the end of the world. Human nature. My life had just begun and there were so many things going on in my life that still had to be dealt with. I couldn't handle a baby. Not just yet.
It wasn't a walk in the park trying to get used to the fact that i was about to bring another human being into the world. But i gathered every ounce of strength i had in me, tried to do everything right during the pregnancy, and was blessed with a wonderful baby boy.
He's the most incredible person to me, and i would not trade him in for anything. I can't imagine life without him and i love him with everything that i am.
Huge turn-around isn't it? From my life being over to receiving the greatest gift i could ever ask for?
How typical.
It's no secret he was unplanned. I'm only being honest.
And yes, it does get tough, and it does make things a lot more difficult having to support and raise a child... only parents may understand this. But it truly is worth it.
The Loss
Dylan's dad and i decided to end the relationship when Dylan was only 10 months old. Yes, i called it, he didn't want it that way... and at the end of it all- i think people saw me as the bitch who ruined the "family". It's common for people to believe this because in their eyes, nobody could be nicer than this guy. His reputation was built upon how "nice" he was. You wouldn't believe me unless you actually know him...
I made a decision and stuck with it. I grew up with a big family, my parents were always around, and my siblings were always my playmates. I grew up loving the family environment. This was important to me. It was something he wasn't.
I made the move, not just for myself, but for Dylan as well. I tried everything to make it work. I begged, and pleaded, adjusted, made my own sacrifices... even threatened to leave... only to have the same result- nothing.
A bona fide workaholic, it was his nature. I wasn't gonna put up with this for the rest of my life. I couldn't. It was so against my principles and i did what i felt was the healthier option for me and my child.
The love and the friendship diminished along with the relationship. Someone who i once considered to be my best friend and someone i loved deeply, little by little, turned into a stranger. The phone calls stopped and the texts became minimal. There were no more exchanges of words to support each other. Just plain communication. Exchange of information.
More often than not, i channel a lot of my frustration towards him. I think of everything i had to go through, both physically and mentally. The changes and the pain i had to endure. My life completely flipped on me... and he went about like nothing ever changed. Like having a kid was the same thing as buying just another pair of shoes. He always did have someone else to clean up after his own mess.
Sometimes i'm appauled at how i think of someone who used to be so important to me. Am i really that bitter? Can i be blamed though?
You will never fully understand until you see it through my eyes. Until you fill in my shoes and walk through every single heartwrenching moment i had to live through. Life was great when it was just the two of us... but the minute responsibility put its foot through the door, i felt as if i had to go through it alone. Abandoned, almost. I gave up everything i knew to make it easy for him (i stand by this, and those who dare refute me will lose, i guarantee it). I got excuses in return and a fight that wasn't even fought for.
I'm glad marriage was never something i opted for. That would have made the situation even more of a nightmare- tenfold.
So there i was. A single parent. A "fatherless" child. What good could possibly come of it?
Moving back with my family gave me the freedom to have a life of my own but at the same time still be the mom i'm supposed to be.
Dylan is now growing up in a healthy family environment- 2 moms, outstanding father figures, and an aunt and 2 uncles that are more like siblings than authority figures who love him with every fiber in their body.
A huge change that scared me in the beginning opened up doors to something that made life that much better. Thank goodness.
The Tragedy
2 years ago i experienced something i wish upon nobody.
An incident that happened in a club resulted in gunfire that killed a man and injured 6 others. I was one of the injured. I wasn't able to walk for about 3 months and nearly lost the use of my right leg- thank goodness i didn't, and i was even considered to be the luckiest out of the bunch. And by luck, i really mean luck. (You can check out the blog i posted about the eperience here).
I became angry, bitter, paranoid, and lost faith in people so quickly. It changed me as a person and started to become someone i didn't quite like.
It was hard for me to deal with because not only did it leave a scar on my leg- it scarred me mentally. So much hate and anger accumulated inside me.
I had just started getting my life back on track and was taking care of my son. I didn't do anything wrong.
Little did i know that something so tragic would lead to better things in life.**
As stupid as the following may sound... bear with me. It is merely a perspective and something that i have pondered upon over and over again in the past 2 years. I'm convinced i have finally made sense of it.
It gave me the extra nudge (more like, shove, even) to gather up enough strength to move out of my ex's house and stay with my family permanently. I have this problem of being too nice and i didn't wanna deprive them of experiencing life with Dylan... so i made that sacrifice and couldn't stand up for myself- no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel.
I got out of there permanently and yes, i think it was the "easy" way out. I did it without confrontation (i tend to avoid conflict and personal confrontation), and most people would call me chicken. I'm still learning. I hope that one day, i get over this fear and prevent people from stepping all over me.
It opened my eyes to the option of a better life- anywhere but here. I realized that this is not the ideal place to be raising a family to my liking and this incident motivated me to take the necessary steps to finding a better life elsewhere. I wouldn't have accepted it, otherwise.
It drove me straight into the path of a man i fell in love with.
After Dylan was born and the break up with his father, i kind of accepted the fact that it could just be Dylan and i for the rest of my life. I totally scratched off the possibility of a happy marriage and even life with a big family. I didn't think it would be possible and i was traumatized for certain reasons. I shunned commitment and said that i would do with my life what i want without having to look for love. I've gone this far on my own, i can do it for a whole lot longer.
Being injured did a lot of things to me. It hurt me physically and i was mentally disturbed. I sank into a deep depression and found refuge in someone i had only started to really know just a week before it all happened. I had known him for years but our relationship wasn't anything solid. Friends, but more of an acquaintance, really.
Interesting enough, he was the only person who made me feel like the world was still a good place. When everything was chaotic, i found peace with him and felt safety like i never have before. He was my silver lining.
I had great difficulty taking care of Dylan at the time because my leg put limitations on what i could do. This only depressed me even more... my parents constantly had to tell him not to go near me because he could hurt me even more. It broke my heart.
My dad thought that i needed all the help i could possibly get- anything to get me out of the rut i was in. Ian was my ticket. The only reason i was ever able to spend so much time with him was because of my injury. He was studying to be a doctor, my parents trusted him enough knowing he could take care of me. I couldn't take care of Dylan, so i might as well spend my healing time doing something for my own good. Ian was my therapy.
He was more of a refuge than a getaway. It never would have happened if it wasn't for my injury. I truly believe that. I would have remained the devoted, single mom, shunning love and working too hard.
Something we both didn't expect- we fell head over heels in love and couldn't do without each other. 2 years down the road, we're more in love than ever and we're even working towards a future together. The most incredible man i have ever met and the greatest love i have ever experienced.
The Conclusion
There is always a balance in life. The greatest things in life come from hardship. It is earned... and most of the time unexpected.
A rainbow only comes out after it rains.
I'm writing about this because i'm about to make some big decisions in my life. Decisions that scare the crap out of me and i know, without a doubt, that some f***ed up $#!+ is coming along with it. I'm looking forward to the pay off... but dreading the journey to get there.
I'm constantly trying to remind myself that only good can come of it... that everything will turn out okay in the end. But it's always easier said than done. Always.
That's just something i'm gonna have to deal with.
I need constant reminding that the hardship i'm about to go through is gonna be worth it.
**disclaimer:
i'm not saying anyone should go out and get shot or look for tragedies or depend on mishaps to turn their life around. I really just meant that shitty things open doors for better things. It's like the slap in the face to wake you the f*** up. I'll leave it at that. I really don't see a reason why i should be defending myself here.
"Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit."
-anonymous
The greatest things i have experienced in my life, the ones i am most grateful for, and have made me extremely happy, all started with a downfall. The result of something i thought broke my spirit. There's a reason for everything... i truly believe that. Now, more than ever. As stupid as chliches may seem (and they're the worst when you're not in the mood to hear them), they're cliches for a reason. They really do mean something.
The past 4 years of my life made me feel more "grown up" than ever. At first, i found it to be so unfair... to hand over a burden to someone so young. Was it not enough that i wasn't able to achieve certain dreams and goals that i had planned for myself? Did i not step up to my responsibilities enough? I thought it was all enough. I thought i had paid my dues. I thought wrong.
I started making my own money at the age of 17. The same year i stopped getting an allowance. I never set foot on a college campus with the intention of learning or going to school. It was always just for a visit... even though growing up as a geek, it was the only thing i ever wanted after high school. Yes, i live for white picket fences, SUVs, the modern woman and the whole shebang. I wanted the picture perfect life. I grew up in a small city, the homey environment, friendly faces, and pretty neighborhoods... other than that, i guess you can say it's just in my nature.
I didn't grow up with the easiest life. Then again, nobody did. We all think we have our own problems to deal with, but right now, i'm not really vying for the "my-so-called-life-sucked-and-i-deserve-a-break" award. I'm heading towards a more positive note... that the shitty things in life happen for a reason, no matter how unbearable they may seem at that point.
The Surprise
I had Dylan when i was 20 years old. My sister just turned 20 about 3 months ago... and i can't imagine someone that young stepping up to something so serious. Being a parent is no joke. A single parent, at that. Kudos to those who have become parents at an even younger age and managed to get by alright.
I'm not ashamed to admit that, the first time i found out i was pregnant, i thought it was the end of the world. Human nature. My life had just begun and there were so many things going on in my life that still had to be dealt with. I couldn't handle a baby. Not just yet.
It wasn't a walk in the park trying to get used to the fact that i was about to bring another human being into the world. But i gathered every ounce of strength i had in me, tried to do everything right during the pregnancy, and was blessed with a wonderful baby boy.
He's the most incredible person to me, and i would not trade him in for anything. I can't imagine life without him and i love him with everything that i am.
Huge turn-around isn't it? From my life being over to receiving the greatest gift i could ever ask for?
How typical.
It's no secret he was unplanned. I'm only being honest.
And yes, it does get tough, and it does make things a lot more difficult having to support and raise a child... only parents may understand this. But it truly is worth it.
The Loss
Dylan's dad and i decided to end the relationship when Dylan was only 10 months old. Yes, i called it, he didn't want it that way... and at the end of it all- i think people saw me as the bitch who ruined the "family". It's common for people to believe this because in their eyes, nobody could be nicer than this guy. His reputation was built upon how "nice" he was. You wouldn't believe me unless you actually know him...
I made a decision and stuck with it. I grew up with a big family, my parents were always around, and my siblings were always my playmates. I grew up loving the family environment. This was important to me. It was something he wasn't.
I made the move, not just for myself, but for Dylan as well. I tried everything to make it work. I begged, and pleaded, adjusted, made my own sacrifices... even threatened to leave... only to have the same result- nothing.
A bona fide workaholic, it was his nature. I wasn't gonna put up with this for the rest of my life. I couldn't. It was so against my principles and i did what i felt was the healthier option for me and my child.
The love and the friendship diminished along with the relationship. Someone who i once considered to be my best friend and someone i loved deeply, little by little, turned into a stranger. The phone calls stopped and the texts became minimal. There were no more exchanges of words to support each other. Just plain communication. Exchange of information.
More often than not, i channel a lot of my frustration towards him. I think of everything i had to go through, both physically and mentally. The changes and the pain i had to endure. My life completely flipped on me... and he went about like nothing ever changed. Like having a kid was the same thing as buying just another pair of shoes. He always did have someone else to clean up after his own mess.
Sometimes i'm appauled at how i think of someone who used to be so important to me. Am i really that bitter? Can i be blamed though?
You will never fully understand until you see it through my eyes. Until you fill in my shoes and walk through every single heartwrenching moment i had to live through. Life was great when it was just the two of us... but the minute responsibility put its foot through the door, i felt as if i had to go through it alone. Abandoned, almost. I gave up everything i knew to make it easy for him (i stand by this, and those who dare refute me will lose, i guarantee it). I got excuses in return and a fight that wasn't even fought for.
I'm glad marriage was never something i opted for. That would have made the situation even more of a nightmare- tenfold.
So there i was. A single parent. A "fatherless" child. What good could possibly come of it?
Moving back with my family gave me the freedom to have a life of my own but at the same time still be the mom i'm supposed to be.
Dylan is now growing up in a healthy family environment- 2 moms, outstanding father figures, and an aunt and 2 uncles that are more like siblings than authority figures who love him with every fiber in their body.
A huge change that scared me in the beginning opened up doors to something that made life that much better. Thank goodness.
The Tragedy
2 years ago i experienced something i wish upon nobody.
An incident that happened in a club resulted in gunfire that killed a man and injured 6 others. I was one of the injured. I wasn't able to walk for about 3 months and nearly lost the use of my right leg- thank goodness i didn't, and i was even considered to be the luckiest out of the bunch. And by luck, i really mean luck. (You can check out the blog i posted about the eperience here).
I became angry, bitter, paranoid, and lost faith in people so quickly. It changed me as a person and started to become someone i didn't quite like.
It was hard for me to deal with because not only did it leave a scar on my leg- it scarred me mentally. So much hate and anger accumulated inside me.
I had just started getting my life back on track and was taking care of my son. I didn't do anything wrong.
Little did i know that something so tragic would lead to better things in life.**
As stupid as the following may sound... bear with me. It is merely a perspective and something that i have pondered upon over and over again in the past 2 years. I'm convinced i have finally made sense of it.
It gave me the extra nudge (more like, shove, even) to gather up enough strength to move out of my ex's house and stay with my family permanently. I have this problem of being too nice and i didn't wanna deprive them of experiencing life with Dylan... so i made that sacrifice and couldn't stand up for myself- no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel.
I got out of there permanently and yes, i think it was the "easy" way out. I did it without confrontation (i tend to avoid conflict and personal confrontation), and most people would call me chicken. I'm still learning. I hope that one day, i get over this fear and prevent people from stepping all over me.
It opened my eyes to the option of a better life- anywhere but here. I realized that this is not the ideal place to be raising a family to my liking and this incident motivated me to take the necessary steps to finding a better life elsewhere. I wouldn't have accepted it, otherwise.
It drove me straight into the path of a man i fell in love with.
After Dylan was born and the break up with his father, i kind of accepted the fact that it could just be Dylan and i for the rest of my life. I totally scratched off the possibility of a happy marriage and even life with a big family. I didn't think it would be possible and i was traumatized for certain reasons. I shunned commitment and said that i would do with my life what i want without having to look for love. I've gone this far on my own, i can do it for a whole lot longer.
Being injured did a lot of things to me. It hurt me physically and i was mentally disturbed. I sank into a deep depression and found refuge in someone i had only started to really know just a week before it all happened. I had known him for years but our relationship wasn't anything solid. Friends, but more of an acquaintance, really.
Interesting enough, he was the only person who made me feel like the world was still a good place. When everything was chaotic, i found peace with him and felt safety like i never have before. He was my silver lining.
I had great difficulty taking care of Dylan at the time because my leg put limitations on what i could do. This only depressed me even more... my parents constantly had to tell him not to go near me because he could hurt me even more. It broke my heart.
My dad thought that i needed all the help i could possibly get- anything to get me out of the rut i was in. Ian was my ticket. The only reason i was ever able to spend so much time with him was because of my injury. He was studying to be a doctor, my parents trusted him enough knowing he could take care of me. I couldn't take care of Dylan, so i might as well spend my healing time doing something for my own good. Ian was my therapy.
He was more of a refuge than a getaway. It never would have happened if it wasn't for my injury. I truly believe that. I would have remained the devoted, single mom, shunning love and working too hard.
Something we both didn't expect- we fell head over heels in love and couldn't do without each other. 2 years down the road, we're more in love than ever and we're even working towards a future together. The most incredible man i have ever met and the greatest love i have ever experienced.
The Conclusion
There is always a balance in life. The greatest things in life come from hardship. It is earned... and most of the time unexpected.
A rainbow only comes out after it rains.
I'm writing about this because i'm about to make some big decisions in my life. Decisions that scare the crap out of me and i know, without a doubt, that some f***ed up $#!+ is coming along with it. I'm looking forward to the pay off... but dreading the journey to get there.
I'm constantly trying to remind myself that only good can come of it... that everything will turn out okay in the end. But it's always easier said than done. Always.
That's just something i'm gonna have to deal with.
I need constant reminding that the hardship i'm about to go through is gonna be worth it.
**disclaimer:
i'm not saying anyone should go out and get shot or look for tragedies or depend on mishaps to turn their life around. I really just meant that shitty things open doors for better things. It's like the slap in the face to wake you the f*** up. I'll leave it at that. I really don't see a reason why i should be defending myself here.
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