STRICTLY Sentimental

For the mawkish.
The heartbroken, the lost, and the healing.
Because we all know what it feels like to have our hearts trampled on... at one point in our life or another.
Because music speaks volumes and serves as the perfect companion on days you wanna live under a rock and hide beneath the covers.

So shut the world out and let the music in.

The Time Traveler's Wife

Hands down, my favorite book of all time. I finished it in 2 reads and i highly recommend it.
It was introduced to me by a really good friend of mine, Cynthia. She said it was a book that gave her standards with what it was like to be in love.
She handed it to me a week after Ian had left for the States. It was the beginning of this Long Distance shebang. My world had just shifted and i was getting used to a place where the love of my life no longer existed. It was tough.
The book couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

The waiting. The longing. The dreams. The worries.
I could relate to practically everything in that book. It gave me hope upon embarking on this journey of love in its simplest form. Because when you're in something like this, sometimes, knowing that you love each other and trust that everything will work out should be good enough.

I've read it three times. A movie was supposed to come out in 2007. It didn't. Rumors came out that it would be out by December of 2008. Again, that didn't happen. This time, the full trailer is out... and it will be in theaters this coming August.
I cannot wait.
I hope to God it doesn't disappoint.
I introduced it to a group when i was part of a book club not long ago. I got mixed reviews, of course. Everybody's entitled to their own opinion. I have no quarries with that.
Personally, i fell in love with the characters, and the book was an absolute page-turner. I could read it right now.

The book is written by Audrey Niffeneger, published in 2003.
The movie is due to hit theaters on August 14. Directed by Robert Schwentke, starring Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana.
Wanna see the trailer?

Just the 2 of Us

Kicked it with Dylan at the mall today. He was so psyched about grabbing a new train (or 3). He's been a really good kid all week. He's set on completing this collection. I wonder how long this phase is gonna last for.

Sunday is prioritized to be Dylan Day. It's family day for most people and for some reason, out of my surreal schedule and whacked out sense for time, it's the only thing that i would consider "normal" to us. We don't really run by a normal schedule, we don't live in a normal household, we certainly don't have a normal set up at home... but Sunday is turning into somewhat of a routine/tradition. I like it.

Walking around, i realized that there are 2 major categories that fill the Sunday afternoon population- 1) Families; or 2) Couples.
That's it.
Neither of which i belong to at the moment.
I see families sitting down for meals or shopping for random whatevers, and it's a full blown family- Dad, Mom, & Kids. Both parents share the responsibility with their children. I observe their interactions.

It's different when you're doing it on your own. You have to play Good Cop and Bad Cop at the same time- sometimes it's very schizophrenic-ish. You lay down the rules but you reward them just the same. You put em to bed on time and on other nights, you let em stay up a little later. He has to eat all his dinner, but he can also have cookies 5 minutes before he sleeps. You turn off the DVD player because he's been sitting in front of it for over 2 hours; other days, he can watch all the DVDs he wants. He can't buy anything at the store today; the following week you spoil him by allowing him to pick 3 trains instead of 1.

In the Philippines, it's very common to hire a Nanny or Yaya (as we'd like to call them). I never believed in this system. I've seen too many "hidden tapes" nightmares, heard too many stories about abusive help, and seen quite a few of these incidents live to ever want to risk it. And even though i do believe that seeking for help is normal and sometimes very much needed, i don't think i'd want someone else having the responsibility of "taking care" of my child. It might work perfectly for others, but it's definitely not for me.

When Dylan was younger, taking him to Kiddie parties used to be hectic. Packing his bag, making sure to bring everything he needed, making sure he napped right before we left as to avoid being cranky, going to the bathroom so he wouldn't have to do it there, etc.
I realized, at these functions, that parenting did require a 2-person team, and noticed all too quickly why they all had hired help. If you ever want to converse and catch up with other people in your social circle during these events you're gonna need a substitute... or your clone.
With a kid that just recently learned how to be mobile- there is no chance he's sitting still. So you're constantly running after em, making sure he doesn't climb stairs, or hit his face on the coffee table. You wanna make sure he doesn't put any foreign objects in his mouth or run outside and fall off the balcony. The work is constant. You don't get to eat and the rest doesn't come until the little one dozes off in the car on the way home.
I was always the anti-social one that followed her own kid everywhere at the party. I barely ever got to squeeze in a normal conversation, and even if i did, my attention span was shot because majority of my focus would be on what my hyper toddler was up to.
Everybody else got a time-out. I was playing the role of 2 parents.

The decision to raise Dylan as a single parent wasn't an easy one, by any means. It helped a lot knowing that i had the support of my family and who would i trust more than my own blood to look after my child, right? But i knew i had a responsibility and even though the pressure was alleviated a little bit, it still changed my whole life and i'm a parent regardless. The role still stands and the pressure to "do everything right" was still there (and still is).

I get worried, i'm tired a lot, i stay up through sleepless, feverish nights, i take all the hurtful words he'll throw at me when he's mad, i clean his scrapes and cuts when he's had an accident, i have to ease the sorrow when he cries over something, and i take the headache and a half when he's being difficult. That is what a parent does.
But i also get to experience all the funny things he does or says, i get to appreciate his performances when he wants to show me something, i am the receiver of numerous hugs, kisses, and i love you's, and i'm blessed with his pleasant presence and glorious character.
He will sit next to me quietly when he knows i'm sad, he'll laugh with me when i find something funny, and he will fight for me (be it some man 6x his size) if he knows i'm being hurt or if i'm in trouble.

This kid is the love of my life and seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me. If anything good came out of that last relationship i had, it was him. I don't remember much about what life was like before he existed... i imagine it didn't mean as much anyway.

I can't stand being by myself. I figure that's why Dylan came into my life. It hasn't always been easy, but i would choose this path in a heartbeat had i been given another chance to pick.
I truly didn't know how intense love could possibly be until i met him. This is a soul i will fight for, vie for and die for. He has only brought good things to my life, and for that, i owe him the world.

Just the 2 of us.

small FiSh, massive OcEan

It's always good to know that someone out there, without a shadow of doubt, truly, always has your back... and loves you deeply, unconditionally, no matter what.
Some people hit the jackpot... others aren't so lucky.

Which one are you?

[credit: Photographs from Deviant Art]

M.U.S.i.C.

They say if you listen to music when you're pregnant, it does wonders for a child's development.
When mothers sing their children to sleep, that lullaby stays with them all their lives.
The most common and basic part of a curriculum in pre-school is song & rhyme. It's effective, contagious, and the easiest way to learn.
Your knowledge of music, or lack thereof, somewhat defines you. YOu can tell a lot about a person based on the genre of music they listen to. The more specific you get, the more personal it is.

I have a soundtrack for every significant moment/phase in my life. I have music tied in with the people i know. There is a song for every high moment i've ever had and there's definitely a single related to the lowest experiences i've ever gone through.

Literally, MUSIC is my life.

When i was 3 years old my parents enrolled me into ballet. We would sit for lunch or dinner with the radio on. I had a favorite song (like any other kid does), and when that song would come on, you can bet all your money that i'd get up from that table, run into my room, and start dancing. That's how infectious it was to me.

I dance when i hear music. Even if it's just a bounce, a sway, or a head nod. Music literally moves me.

When i'm going through something great or something that i would deem meaningful and you see me in a daze either just sitting there or standing- i'm most likely taking it all in and listening to everything that's going on around me. Without a doubt, there's a song tied in there somewhere. From that point on, every time i hear that song, that moment will play back in my head. Even if it's just for a split second.

The only 2 jobs i've ever held seriously- music related. Dancer and DJ. Go figure.
Because of music, i have traveled all over the Philippines and just recently- beyond it. I have experiences to write about and memories to gush over because of the opportunity i was given... i was just in a dope hotel and a kickass bed, tasted the best steak of my life- and music brought me there.

Music has seen me through some of the craziest moments of my life... the best and the worst. It's been there for all my glory, and was there to soothe me past my ugly cry...
It has been the reason behind how i support my family and also my main source of income for the past 8 years.

With that said, I LOVE MY JOB. I am where i am because of all this... and if anything has been the main driving factor in my life and has been a constant- it has always been music. And for that, i will forever be grateful. Forever be in love. And a constant #1 fan.

i heart you...

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you are the world"




Australia


The Philippines


Canada


Singapore


Neverland


Guam


Seattle

To the everyday heroes of the world.
I love you Mom.
Happy Mommy's Day. =)

The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Known...

How do i love thee? Let me count the ways. =)

*I love how you deliver me my good morning kiss as soon as you see me open my eyes in the morning. It's the greatest way to start my day.

*I love how you sing all day.

*I love how you get creative with your toys. It reminds me a lot of myself when i was your age (i never thought i'd say that. haha). Using your imagination is the best way to go, kid. =)

*I love how you're driven when you know exactly what you want. And i appreciate how understanding you are and how patient you can be when i tell you you're not allowed to have what you want. It tells me i've been doing something right... =P

*I love how you answer to my "call".

*I love how you ask permission for EVERYTHING. I think it's really cute. Even though it does get a bit irritating sometimes. I'd rather have that than you never asking at all. haha!

*I love how you feel like you have the need to always protect me. Even if you had to fight someone 3 times your size. It's flattering. And then you make them apologize after. My little hero.

*I love how you sit next to me quietly and try to make me feel better when you know i'm not feeling well. How you brush my hair, stroke my face, and hug me to make everything better. I want you to know that it always works.

*I love how you memorize all the lines from your cartoons. I used to do that too. I think it's impressive. haha!

*I love how you love to run... and how you love to swim and don't swim at the same time.
You'll get there. haha

*I love your sound effects.

*I love the look on your face when i come home.

*I love how you insist on walking me to the door and opening it for me every single time before i leave the house. I also love how you say Goodbye. I always set off in good spirits. =)

*I love how you taught me the Transformers song. =)

*I love how you think you can use my own lines on me when you're mad. Sorry, it doesn't work that way, hunnie.

*I love how you react to the million and one names i have for you.

*I love how you say, "I love you, MOmmy". I melt, every single time.

*I love how we have our own inside jokes.

*I love your infatuation with sticks.

*I love the way you wink.

*I love your impersonations.

*I think you have the craziest burp for a kid your age.

*I love that you can thrive in your own world... and how you try to be so independent.

*I love our 5 kisses.

*I love that i love everything about you.

*I love how you say Good Night.

Good night Sweetie.

Sleep Well.

Sweet Dreams.

See you tomorrow.

Mwah.

Hug me.

Happy 5th Birthday my Love. You're more than i could have ever hoped for. You make me proud every single day.

MOmmy LOVES you.





*Dylan @ 4 months old.
*Dylan @ 4 years, 11 months, 28 days... and me.

***[apparently, Dylan was born on Star Wars Day. I read this somewhere and thought it was catchy- May the 4th be with you. LOL!]

Crazy/Beautiful

*no, i'm not talking about the movie.

Facts:

There is a fine line between being deeply in love and crossing the brink of insanity.
It has been proven that heartache may be considered to be a probable cause of death.
Majority of suicides/suicide attempts can be linked to heart break.
It has been documented that husbands who kiss their wives in the morning before leaving for work can live up to five years longer than those who don't.
Historically, being in love has been viewed as a mental illness.

***

I have 5 more years to go... am i crazy?
I have so much faith in him... is that beautiful?

For the past year and a half, i have told my story time and time again.
Yes, i'm in a long distance relationship.
No, i didn't believe in it either.
Yes, i'm waiting 5 more years- it used to be 6 though, one year down! *thumbs up*
No, we're not seeing other people.
Yeah, i'm really not gonna be having sex.
No, no visits. We won't see each other at all in the next 5 years.

And i get one of two responses:
a) Wow. Good luck with that. I really hope it works out.
OR
b) Jesus. That's not gonna last.

Most frequently asked questions:
Do you talk everyday?
-Yes.
You must really think he's the one, huh?
-Yup.
You really think you'll be able to hang on?
-That's the plan.
Aren't you worried that you'll waste your youth waiting for him?
-No. It wasn't really a concern til you brought it up. Thanks.
How do you do it?
-With a crazy mind and a lot of love.

Everyone thinks that being in a long distance relationship is something that's up for discussion. You don't see people going up to a couple in a horrid, abusive relationship and voicing out their concerns though. Why is that?

So many people have so little faith in what love could possibly be. True, this might not work out. It's a possibility that i might wait years for nothing. But just because the future isn't written in stone doesn't mean i have to give up now.

You have to understand that my whole life changed when i fell in love with this guy. To think it was something we tried to avoid right from the beginning. I guess that's why they call it "falling" in love. You really just fall into it. I don't think we generally get to pick who it is that manages to sweep us off our feet and turns us head over heels in love.
When you find something good in your life, you keep it. You fight for it. If you think it's worth it, you give it everything you have. That's how important we are to each other.
Of course it gets hard... but the question isn't "Can i really do this?". It's actually, "Is he worth it?"
I had a checklist for my "ideal guy". This list was scrapped when Ian and i got together... because he didn't just meet the standards- he added more onto it.

I might sound like a lovesick moron. But i'm stating my case and these are the facts. Word of advice: never tell someone in a long distance relationship that it's not gonna work out or that they shouldn't be in it. It's not like we haven't weighed out our options. You don't MAKE someone do this- it's a conscious decision. We also don't need your lack of encouragement.
One basic rule applies to all of this- if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

One person's trash is someone else's treasure. His imperfections to someone else might just be the little things i fell in love with. The world is right when i'm with him. And even though we can't physically be together right now, knowing that he is a huge part of my life is still better than not having him in it at all.

We carry on with other priorities in our lives during our time apart. We know that this category is settled though. We focus on different aspects of our lives, and trust that when the time is right, everything will fall into place. Our time spent as each other's friend, confidante, and companion will never be seen as a waste of time. And even after a year and a half without seeing each other, our love is only stronger than it's ever been.

5 years is nothing compared to the rest of your life. Well, given that you live the average life span, anyway. What's a few years? A small sacrifice is well worth it. The most important things in this life are usually earned. Trust. Friendship. Loyalty. Respect. Love.

There is a rare, handful of people that find true love in their lifetime... even less discover that it is, in fact, their one true love. I don't know how that feels and i'm not exactly sure if i would know what it was if it slapped me across the face... but i imagine it can't possibly be far from what it feels like to be with Ian.
i have this unwavering faith in him. I root for him like my life
depended on it. I care for him as if he was a part of me.
When we're together, time stops and the world fades into the background.
I love him because he is my other half.
He brings out the best part of who i am... and i will forever be grateful.
I find myself going through the motions of the day, doing what i have to do, and at the end of it all, realize that every passing moment, is always time that leads me to him.

Ian once told me that what we have made him understand how love was depicted in music and in the movies.
[I should probably stop there and not go any further with quotes from my significant other to avoid bruising the male ego. =p]
But i can assure you that the feelings are mutual.
We have gone through ups and downs, like any normal couple. We've made our compromises and have settled scores many times over. We've seen each other through some of the toughest things in each others' lives. We have a few hurdles to jump over and i'm sure there will be other obstacles in the way- but what couple doesn't, and how does that make us any different?

Not being physically together is tough. It's important, but it's not THE most important thing. If you know you've found someone who understands you, treats you right, loves you for who you are, and is willing to stand by your side always, and helps you become the best you can be- you've already done something right.
People throw sex around. You can't ever say the same thing about Love. The feeling in itself is already sacred as it is.

Being in love with Ian happened so easily.

The world might look at me with raised eyebrows and cynicism in the air, and seeing me, my life, as something absolutely crazy... but what they don't know is, that to me, it's all incredibly beautiful.

And that's all that really matters.

*I love you, Ian Alvarez.

Ambassador of Kwan

This is gonna sound completely insane, but- i just saw Jerry Maguire for the first time last night.
Well, when the movie came out, i think i was in 6th grade, so i wasn't really watching a lot of movies or even just television. I always had something to do, be it homework or school activities/sports, or lounging with friends.
So yeah, i never got to see it until last night.

One word.
Classic.
I haven't seen a good movie in a while and seeing this movie last night was something i thoroughly enjoyed. It wasn't straight drama nor was it a complete chick flick. The story actually made sense, had a point, and it was fully entertaining all the way. I found it to be a good balance of everything that i like.

And in some weird way... i found myself actually relating to Renee Zellweger's character- Dorothy. A single mom who gave up on love and jumped at the opportunity to find it once again. She was working her ass off to raise a child and was looking for inspiration. It's a good thing when you get that feeling that there are other people out there who can fully understand you.
"I'm the oldest 26 year old in the world!"
"Maybe love shouldn't be such hard work."
"...practical? Dont tell me to be practical. Do you know what other women my age are doing right now? They're out. Trying to find a man, trying to keep a man. Oh, not me, im trying to raise a man."
haha! yeah... you get my point.

I miss those days when movies were made to hit you this way. A lot of the time, especially these days, they're made strictly for entertainment. It's all about the special effects and the crazy technology used to make the film (but the story sucks!). There was a time when movies were made to give us a glimpse of certain things we strive for. They would remind us of principles and values that we tend to forget. We get so caught up in our lives and worrying about problems and trying to correct mistakes that when we find time to sit down and watch these things, we remember a time when we used to live for the simpler things in life.
I seriously miss being 10 years old.

So this movie is about a go-getter-living-in-the-fast-lane type of guy, in a dog-eat-dog world, who is all of a sudden struck by his good natured conscience. By trying to do the right thing, he loses everything in the process... but by sticking to his principles (along with hard work and persistence), he gains everything that is important and all that matters to him in his lifetime. *sigh* haha.
Moral of the story: do the right thing. It pays off in the end, believe it or not. Even if you have to go through hell first before you get there.

It sounds a lot easier than it really is... but don't we all try to do the right thing most of the time? I know i do. And in all honesty, i find that it breaks me more than it helps me. But i like to think that this kind of attitude pays off eventually. The world must be completely fucked up if it supported all the "bad" people. Majority of the time, it sure looks like it does.

Time and time again i find myself constantly being tested. The world just trying my patience, glaring at me and waiting for me to fall off the edge... until i'm hanging by my fingertips pleading for help. I eventually find myself back on my feet again- the process of free-climbing myself up the cliff almost a blur, i'm just relieved that it's over, really. So i breath a sigh of relief... only to find myself in the same predicament in the near future.
It's a vicious cycle.

I've always been the eternal optimist though... and i always dust myself off and manage to stand on my own two feet. It's the story of my life.
But i wanna be inspired.

I find that i'm not aiming for the best things in life anymore... but i do want the good things. I want stability, not filthy rich. I want spare time with good friends and a family that i love, who love me in return. I wanna raise my children right and take care of the man who loves me. I want the good "little" things.
I'd be a damn liar if i said i didn't want a Porsche, but that's beside the point. Even if i had all the money in the world and all the luxuries life has to offer... if i have nobody to share it with, it would mean nothing to me.
A husband that works day in and day out... but i never got to talk to- useless. I'd be miserable. Even if he bought me diamonds- what would i do with diamonds? They would sit in my box and do nothing. They'd be blood diamonds too... (i'm only joking. really.)
Work for the things you want in life... work hard. But don't work too hard that you find yourself not being able to enjoy what you make.

I'm not complaining... just venting. I'm blessed in certain aspects of my life, and i know that. I'm lucky enough to experiece some things that most people only dream of having... and others will never find. And i'm thankful.
I'm not asking for much... not the best, just the good things.
Success has a different definition for everyone.
I'm working on my kind of success... it might not mean the same thing to others, but i know what's important to me.
Amen.

If you haven't seen Jerry Maguire. I strongly suggest you take time out to see it.

Dicky Fox: "Hey... I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I have failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my life. I love my wife. And I wish you my kind of success."