Friday, December 7, 2007

The long car rides home

It's my favorite time of the "day". There's no traffic. You can come and go as you please. Everyone is resting. It's considered unusual to be up and about at this time. But i like it. I feel like this is the time where i'm at my best.

It feels as if the chaos is at a minimum. The busy air has a calm breeze to it now. It's actually alright. It feels like freedom... and there's nobody criticizing you.

I love the long car rides home. Especially when i retrace routes and follow a pattern i've gone through so many times before. It's a part of my past. It was something i lived through. And this is the time mostly spent thinking and pondering. Looking into the future, thinking about the present, and reminiscing about the past.
I'm sentimental. I can't help it.

But i enjoy these moments. They're part of something i'm still trying to put together.

I'm still looking forward to finding out what's about to happen. I have a feeling things are about to make a drastic change.
It just has to.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Through the Fire

It's all done.
The last month was probably another shift in my life... and i'm still trying to get used to all the changes.

I've said goodbye to my grandmother.
I've done the Palawan gig (which turned out to be the Palawan trip from hell).
I said "til next time..." to Ian.
I finished packing for Ian.
I landed a day-job and ended it just as fast as i got it.
We've finally decided to put Dylan into school- and it's pushing through.
I've established contacts in terms of my jewelry.
I'm getting to know different people more and more.
I'm getting worried about my leg- it's given up on me a few times and i might need to get an operation.
I'm moving on.

Something that i have just stated in 10 sentences is actually the complete sum up of my life in the past few weeks. I've been so caught up with "preoccupying" myself, i never really wanted to write about it. I had so many things to do, i was running around the metro and catching my breath only when time permitted it.
I was living. Getting through the day one step at a time... just simply, getting through it.

Ian's been gone for over 2 weeks now. It sounds quite pathetic... but i really feel different without him. It's just what happens in relationships, i guess. You're so used to being a "we", you forget how to function just as "me".
I've been doing alright though... the day job took up a good amount of my time... and i've made the extra effort to hang out and make plans with people.

I'm working on getting more work and handling more projects.
I'm working on making sure i'm a good enough mom.
I'm doing so many things with the intention of, not just improving myself, but improving my life in general.

I've gone through some things i thought i would never be able to hurdle my way through... but i've done it, and i've overcome it.
Shit happens. That's life.
But i'm still okay. I'm still strong.
I'm doing it for the people that matter.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Empty pitchers and Girl Time

You're never alone. Even if you think you are... the world is massive... you're not alone, trust me.

Just when i thought i had one of the worst weekends of my life and the sadness started to creep in much deeper and i began to cave in... i found out i wasn't as alone as i thought.

Girl time couldn't have come at a much better time. I've said it before, no matter how great your significant other is, and your guy friends are dope, a girl will always need girls.

So i find out that everybody is going through some kind of struggle. Everyone thinks everyone else is leading a better life only to find out that you're on the same boat anyway. Funny, isn't it? Maybe it's just the season to contemplate. A very deep soul-searching session is needed. Everybody is going through their 20's life crisis. The older generation would read this and proceed to laugh at our troubles, i'm sure.

Here's the thing. Is the glass half empty or half full? I read somewhere that someone thought their glass was neither- and concluded with the answer of it being completely empty, period.
Do you have any idea how many people are feeling that way today?
A lot.

The 20's- the decade of your life that's supposed to rock. Are we all starting to grow up too fast? These days, before you hit 30, you're supposed to already have a plan. You're supposed to be sure of yourself, make that decision and start the process of "the rest of your life".
The rest of your life is serious stuff. It's a bit scary. A million "what ifs" to be answered.
I didn't think i'd feel old at the age of 24. But i'm planning the rest of my life as i type this. I'm making decisions and taking steps to get me closer to my goal.

Yeah... all this because someone thought her pitcher was empty and i had girl time yesterday. I'll write about that some other time...


Friday, August 31, 2007

Can i get a dollar?

This post is based on absolutely nothing. A random babbling session. I've been too busy living and going about my day to actually have time to sit and write about the chaos going on in my head. But there are some things i feel need to be taken off my chest...

Last week, at work, i played for about 2 and a half hours. That's approximately (fine, exactly) an hour and a half more than what i'm being paid for. Perhaps because Mark isn't here, the schedule has changed... but that's beside the point. 2 and a half hours straight is still pretty freakin' long- no matter what anybody says. To add to that, it was pre-primetime. That means, i couldn't really play all the hits and all the bangers that everybody's so into nowadays. I think i sold out more than 9 times (i played HUMPS!!! for the love of elmo!!!), and without a doubt, i think i had a moment when people thought i was just downright a horrible DJ. Not such a good thing- really.
The reason: DJ #1 didn't have a charger and DJ #2 showed up 3 hours late (with a charger)
The kicker: i worked my ass off only to get paid less than what i expected... and just as much as DJ #2.
The problem: Can i just say- does that mean it's alright for me to show up to work 3 hours late? So working your ass off and slacking off is rewarded equally? I must be such a jackass... always having anxiety attacks to be there on time, keeping it professional... what a waste of time and energy. I mean, for what?!?! nobody gives a damn, right? I think that was verified for me last week.
The heartbreaker: i do it and i don't complain. What am i supposed to do? i think being this naive is implanted in my genetic code. So i shut the hell up and do what i'm told. Because that's just the way it is... no matter how much i freakin' hate it. I hate that i depend on this. But i do it coz i have to. It's a little sad. I think having to deal with all this took all the magic out of playing music- when all these years, it was what kept me going. *sigh*

So it's Friday, yet again. I'm gonna get there on time and put on my happy face. I do what i'm told and i'm grateful for the opportunity and the job a million people would die to have. It looks great on the surface, doesn't it? The grass is always greener on the other side. I commend those who know that they're walking on the greener pastures. Lucky sons of bitches. (joke) haha

We're experiencing stupid-weather season. It always happens to pour on days i'm scheduled to go out. I swear, someone out there is trying to spite me.
The weather seems to have a lot to do with my mood. So... yeah, i'm a bit damp at the moment.

I know i sound like i'm completely bitter... but in all honesty, i'm not. I'm just looking from outside the box and i don't like what i'm seeing. I've been standing up for things i thought have always been right- only to have people look at me and spit at my principles and values, almost yelling at me, that it doesn't mean jack shit. When i try to rebel and go with what everyone else has been doing (it hasn't done them any bad, so far), it bites me right smack on the ass. I get the "late" lecture when i'm hardly ever late... and at most, it'll be 10mins (when i do it on purpose coz i'm sick of waiting by myself at a venue for 40 god-forsaken minutes).

I don't get it.
I wish i could say i was doing all this just for fun. But that's not the case. I know it's not pocket change... but i just wish it was fair.
This is the moment when someone comes up to me, puts a hand on my shoulder, and gives me the concerned look... and then will softly utter the words, "but life isn't fair, dear".
You can go to hell then, bitch.

(i promise i'll write something more cheerful next time. It's raining... so i'm kind of just letting things pour... ALRIGHTY THEN - PEACE, TRUE LOVE & HAPPINESS!)

Sunday, August 19, 2007

A moment of retardation

A very short-lived cheap thrill.

It was an ordinary Saturday night. Another day at the office, i'd like to call it. The only thing that made this Saturday extraordinary was (1)we had a theme (90's HipHop) and (2)it was Sarah's birthday weekend. The night wears on like any other.

It's somewhere around 2am (atleast, i THINK it was) and i'm talking to Jena in one of those VIP rooms upstairs. And then, she says it. "Omigod, he's here..."

I turn around and look. I think about it for a split second. No more, no less. I tell Jena, "I'm gonna go talk to him."
She replies, "What?!?! What are you gonna say?"
I joke, "I don't know! I'm gonna ask him if i can be in one of his movies."
With that, i quickly make my way towards him. With every step i take, my mind races, with every ounce of sense & strength- i needed to come up with something to say. I'm an idiot and i can't believe i'm doing this.

I'm right in front of him and he's looking straight at me. Kinda hard to ignore someone my size standing dead-straight in front of you, right?
And i begin to babble. And i mean BABBLE. I say something along the lines of-
"I know you probably get this all the time, and i don't mean to be cliche or anything... but i'd just like to say that..." (for me to know, you don't need to know)
I, of course, compliment him on his work and all that crap that just seems absolutely ridiculous, now that i think about it. ANd of course, my retarded self ended our conversation with (1) me, asking him, if he needed anybody (female, filipina dj-ish) in any one of his films, to give me a call (in which he responds with, "i'll take you up on that", which he probably just said for the hell of it) and (2) me telling him, to "go ahead and do whatever it is that you do".

He was wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers.
Had it been anybody else, i really wouldn't have even bothered to make the effort (unless, of course, it was Johnny Depp. But that's a whole new strategy on its own). I'm not really fanatic by nature. I'm nothing close to being a groupie nor a band-aid in whatever form. I harldy ever get star-struck, really. But i had to. It was way too legendary to pass up.
Now i can say that i actually had a conversation with Quentin Tarantino. Personally, i think that's quite fresh.

Okay, so he prolly forgot about me the minute (even the second) i disappeared from his sight. He probably doesn't even remember me at all... then again, i'm sure of it. But i don't care. It was retarded... yet fun. =) yay for me.
It's something i like to laugh at... i never thought i'd ever cross paths with him, you see.
Maybe i'm a tiny bit of a fanatic after all... =p

Gimme a break. I was drunk. LOL!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Bring the Rain

Summer is over. I didn't think it would come this fast.
It's not that hot anymore, and it's pouring outside majority of the time. I can wear certain items again that have been neglected for the past 6 months. I need new shoes. My flip flops are going into hybernation. There's nothing i hate more than getting to my desired designation with street goo in between my toes. I hate wet toes and drenched jeans. It completely annoys me.

We only have 2 seasons over here. Wet & dry. The end of one only means the beginning of the other. As cozy as the rainy season can get, i personally think it brings with it a few little things that seem to make my life just a tad bit more difficult. Some people have it worse than i do, but these "little things" are the flash floods and landslides of my life. Yeah, it doesn't kill me... but i'd rather it didn't happen.

I have this theory that the rain makes people slightly dumber. There could possibly be some truth to this. Seeing that this kind of weather makes peeople lazy, the brain functions a bit slower... people tend to think less... therefore, the world is in a much worse condition than it's already in. Traffic in Manila gets 5x worse during the rainy season. That's proof enough as it is.
(That was just random rambling. I know it really doesn't make people dumber. I just wanted to get that out there. However, on days these "people" piss me off though, I fully believe in my theory).

This weather makes me lazy. It always has, and i'm quite sure it always will. I have a lot in store for me this coming month... or possibly even the next few months. *sigh* I need a good vacation.

1. Some of our DJs are going home to (wherever they came from) California. This means that my shifts have been increased to a little over DOUBLE. That means- more research, more time, more thinking (haha), and a lot more effort on my part. I'm jumping up and down all over my room with utter joy and excitement. I can't freakin' wait. No, really. (riiiiiight)

2. One of our PRs just left for good. The other one is due to go on vacation in about a month. They're the biggest reason why people show up to our parties... so the fact that they're not gonna be here for a while makes me somewhat nervous. I'd like to say that if nobody showed up, all the better for me, because i don't have to do much... BUT, less work could lead to NO work at all, and that leads to NO money, and concludes with SAD me. Also, exposure would be great, and it's no fun when there's nobody at the club. Who are we supposed to make fun of when we're on break? I'm totally joking...

3. I'm getting more orders in terms of the jewelry line. Only problem is... i can't find a sufficient supplier for my materials. It seems like this country is always out of stock of whatever it is i need. It baffles me how that happens, really.
Take a restaurant, for example. Have you ever sat and re-thought about what you'd like to eat atleast more than 3 times because what you felt like having to start with happens to be- NOT AVAILABLE?
I went to a shoe store (which shall remain anonymous) with Ian and we saw the dopest kicks. We wanted them in Dylan's size... but apparently, they don't MAKE it at all in that size. Perhaps they were too lazy to check the stock room, or maybe they even ran out of that shoe in that particular size... but to never even exist?! C'mon now. So they make shoe sizes for babies that can't even walk yet... they skip the entire era of them running around like wild animals... and go straight to the kids in puberty? It makes no sense to me.
Getting back on track- i can't find the right stones and beads and stuff that i want to use. Everything looks like crap and it's really pissing me off. I must be looking at all the wrong places or something.
I have deadlines to meet and nothing to work with... crap.

4. In 5 weeks, Ian's leaving for the States. I get anxiety attacks thinking about it. It's gonna take a lot of getting used to... not having him around. You see someone everyday, you tell them everything that happens to you, you share everything together, and blah blah blah... and then you find yourself split in half. You can't just pick up the phone and call when something funny happens- it's not that easy (it's not that cheap, either).
The solution is simple, yes, so i've heard. It's more complicated though when you look at it through my eyes. I may not be as young as i used to be, but shit, i sure as hell am not old. I still have a million and a half things to do. I'm not even really in my mid-20's yet!
If i stay here, i lose the man. If i go, i miss out on my son's childhood. So, what's more important? Even if i am doing it for Dylan and the sake of his future and well-being... can i really not have the best of both worlds?
Agh. I hate goodbyes. I've been through enough of it. yuck.
This is inconclusive... because i'm a coward... even though i already know what the answer is. In due time, maybe.

5. We're going to enroll Dylan into pre-school. *tan tan taaaaaaaaaaaaan* (suspense music). I seriously might cry on his first day... but i'll probably bawl even harder when i receive the bills. Nyahaha. =P
Maybe i could get some help on that department *ahem ahem*.
It's time. He needs it and i can tell he's ready. He wants to socialize. He's picking up so many things so quick. He's absorbing information like a sponge. It'll be good for him. =) And of course, what's expected of my father (and most likely myself, as well), we're keeping it fully unconventional. It might be the "in" thing nowadays, i have yet to find out. But we're thinking of sending him to Anthroposophy pre-school. They study humans, yes. Or something to that extent. They develope all the necessary things FIRST, before encouraging any kind of academic "stress" (i'd like to call it) on the child. Well, it helps them deal with it better later on. It sounds interesting... and i think i'm gonna give it a go. Dylan's gonna love it, i know it.

6. Congratulations to my gurls Lizamaree & Mary Grace for bringing their own little miracles into the world. =) I can't wait to meet em... and us mommies can talk about mommy things... which is what we do because that's what we are.

7. Looking forward to seeing ANY of my gurls come home for a visit OR come home, FINALLY.
I'm very picky when it comes to deciding as to whom i call my friends. I'll talk to people and hang out because i want to, never because i'm obliged to- because that would just make me completely plastic. It takes way too much effort, and i'm not in a position to throw away extra energy on something that i deem useless.

I have a lot to look forward to, and at the same time, dread. There's more work to be done, more music to be downloaded and jewelry to be created. There's more money to be made, more people to meet, and gallons of alcohol waiting to be consumed. There's a storm coming... i'm preparing for it the best way i know how. But it's inevitable.
So whatever- bring the rain.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Kids say the darndest things

When someone you once knew to only lie still and look at things, barely peep a sound or move a muscle begins talking out loud, constructing sentences, making choices & asks questions: it's really an incredible thing.

Dylan: Mommy, can we sing?
Mommy: Sure, what do you wanna sing?
D: A song...


Dylan is playing with a rubber band. He stretches it out and lets one side go. It hits him, he screams, and cries, "Mommy, it BIT me!!!"

We're walking in the mall and the COMING SOON posters are up. There's a huge board with the Silver Surfer on it.
Brandon (Dylan's Godbrother, 4 years old): Mama! Mama! Look!!! The Silver Surfer!!!
Dylan (3 years old): Mommy! Mommy! Look!!! ELEPHANT!!! (Referring to the Evan Almighty poster with this huge elephant right smack in the center)

Gotta love innocence and picture books. haha!

Ian comes over and gives me a kiss on the cheek.
Dylan: Hey, don't kiss my moooooom...

My little man- overprotective at the age of 3. How can you not admire that?

Dylan's at the parking lot looking at all the cars parked.
Dylan: Wow! look at that! Lots of cars...
Skratchmark (uncle Mawk): you mean, HELLA cars...
Dylan: HELLA CARS!!!


I'm getting ready for work and Dylan barges into the room, like he always does. He looks at the mirror, and looks at me. He points, and says, "Pretty, mommy! Pretty!!". My heart melts... and then he adds, "butterflies! Pretty butterflies, Mommy!". He was referring to the butterflies stuck on my mirror that i've had on there since 5th grade. Oh well. haha! =)


We're walking across Taft Ave. The LRT is right above it. As the train passes by, Dylan's eyes get bigger and he stares at the train with awe and excitement. "IT'S THOMAS!!!" He yells. =)
He's obssessed with Thomas the Tank Engine and was convinced that any train was named Thomas.
That was a few months ago though. He knows better now. The guy can name all the trains just by looking at them... sometimes, I can't even tell the difference. Amazing, i tell you.


Mommy: Good morning, hunnie. What would you like for breakfast?
Dylan: Egg.
(He's going through this egg phase. Sometimes, he'll ask for bread)


We're all having dinner. Dylan has a thing for fried, crunchy things, and assumes that everything he likes is chicken. He also loves his carbs. I call him the Carbs Kid. He'll eat pasta (alone. No sauce), bread (nothing in it. Just bread), and rice (again, on its own), just as it is. But he needs his protein, so there are days i have to force him, get mad at him, trick him, or bribe him. Whichever works best.

So i hide a piece of meat under a spoonful of rice. I motion it towards his mouth, he opens wide, and just when i thought i had it, he stops. He pulls back and looks at the spoonful of food. He knows he's been tricked.
He looks at me and says, "Mommy, rice lang!"
I can't even outsmart a 3 year old?
I need practice.


When he sees pictures of himself in a swimming pool, he calls it- TAKING A BATH. =)


Geez... i could go on. He's growing up way too fast, but he never ceases to amaze me every single day. Life is beautiful and he only makes it better.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Deprivation be gone

In a word, yes.

Okay, so the new not-in-valenzuela pad happens to have no access to internet. It's more complicated than it seems. How hard can it be, right? Well, you try talking to the landlady... just like the last one, seems to think of everything she could possibly charge us an arm and a leg for.
The first day Ian stayed there, the bathroom sink got clogged. Like, seriously clogged. The water would chill there for hours- and i mean HOURS. There are days it's never even empty. Nasty, i know. But she blamed it on him and says she's not gonna fix it. She says it's because he shaves there... yeah. Apparently, stubble, 1mm thick, can clog your drain. Geez, i can't believe that got past me! Genius.
We have a landline that we never use. We don't ever have a reason to call anybody and nobody's home long enough to ever use it for that purpose anyway. Oh, and the lady didn't give us the number. We don't even know what our phone number is. I also keep it off the hook because in ridiculous hours in the morning or every single time i decide i wanna get some much needed rest, someone calls- and they're looking for Banrangay. Always. Every single time. Did we get the same number as them or something?
My point is- we don't use the landline... and she's charging us 1,000 pesos a month. Yeah, right! For what?!?!? We didn't ask for it, and we don't use it. End of discussion.
I'm internet deprived.

I have been sober since my Friday Night Birthday Fiasco. Well, i've had a drink here and there... but i can honestly say that i've really just been sober every time i go out. It's not so bad. It really isn't. The night goes by a little slower and watching everyone being crazy is not as fun as being crazy with them. But i think my liver likes me better and my head fully thanks me the morning after.
However, all that will come to an end tonight. We're about to witness major stupidity once again- it's another birthday weekend, and the entire crew is getting plastered.
That's just the way it is.

Harry Potter 7 has been out for almost a week now and i'm happy to report that i didn't come across any spoilers and actully finished the book in just under 15 hours- straight. Well, i had to eat in between and use the bathroom and such... but i even ignored Dylan for a little bit and told him not to talk to Mommy. haha! He didn't listen so i had a few interuptions here and there.
I'm not gonna give away anything... but i'm just gonna say i expected a little bit more. My sister cried. I didn't. But nonetheless, the story was brilliantly executed and JK Rowling just made another hundreds of millions of dollars. Mere pocket change to add to her already flourishing empire. Jolly good for her.

I don't know if i've written about this recently, but i think not. I miss my gurls A LOT. It's not the same going out a lot and not seeing your core group gurls. Or having dinner and coffee or afternoon chats when we just feel like it.
I understand that things have changed and the possibility of things going back to the way they once were are slim to nil... but i'm only asking for every so often. It needn't be every single day.
Err... i just miss em, that's all.

Ian's leaving in 8 weeks... and i already don't see him as much as it is... boo.

Okay, so at the moment, i feel as thought there may be some things in my life that needs altering or maybe some things are just simply lacking. Whatever it is, i feel fine. I know i can do this. My cancerian-boar self just shouldn't be so freakin' emotional and sensitive all the time.
It's not that serious.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


NO, it's not that serious, really.
A few days to clear my head was therapy enough... and a good scare really does the trick. I don't go looking for a high and i don't go craving for alcohol either... and whaddya know? No withdrawal symptoms here.
I guess i can blame my stupidity on boredom. Yeah, there you go. In my defense, i blame all my stupidity on being bored.

Oh, another excuse- it was my birthday weekend. hahaha. Riiiiiight.

You know what would help? Some retail therapy...
I lost an earring again this weekend. I hate it when that happens.
What to do?

Monday, July 9, 2007

Sweet Escape

10:03pm. Friday night. I'm 3 minutes late for work. Ian decided to come out tonight. It's my birthday thing, you see. We just had dinner at my place with my whole family. It was intimate and sweet... but i had to rush getting ready for work and i left without having any cake. I didn't want to be late.
An old friend i haven't spoken to or heard from in 8 years is meeting me tonight. It should be a good night.
Another friend of mine was throwing a despedida. She gave me "a little something" as a "birthday gift". They're blue. Yeah, it was gonna be a good night.

11:30pm. I'm on. I usually play for about an hour. I've had 3 rhum-cokes already. The place isn't as packed as it was last week. I'm not feeling too hot. I think i could do a lot better. The equipment, always the equipment at this place. It messes up a few times. It's not my fault but it makes me look bad. They fixed the airconditioning, retiled the floors, bought new lights and fixed the outdoor fan... they should've bought new CDJs too, dammit. It might not seem that big of a deal... but they're just as important as those turns.

12:30am. Technically, it's STILL Friday night... but really, it's Satruday morning. I'm finally catching up with Christia (i haven't seen her in years!) and we're having s great time. We drink a bit more and knocked back a few shots. I'm sentimental. I get lost in our conversation because i love to reminisce. Hey, it's such a good night... let's make it more interesting. The "blue birthday gift" i got earlier? Yeah. Done.

1:00am. Ian's still at the club. He has work tomorrow. I have to ask him what time he's leaving... he can't stay out too late. He has to go home soon. I pull the front door open and casually walk in. I look for Ian.

Lots of people.



CD case.






8:30am, Saturday morning. For the love of Elmo, what the hell just happened?
I'm in my sleeping clothes at Ian's pad. Ian left for work already. I just heard the door shut. I think i left some important CDs in the player last night. Crap. I have work again tonight, i need those. I get up to check. My head is pounding.
What do you know? They're there. Ian must have put my things away. Aww... that's so nice.

Only he didn't. Apparently, i did. We also didn't leave at 1am. We stayed til around 3am. Yeah, i was so plastered, i don't remember a thing. That's where i start to freak out... I ALWAYS remember what i do. Being drunk is a poor excuse to do stupid things. It plays a huge part in the stupidity... but a poor excuse nonetheless.

Hi. My name is Thea... and i'm an alcoholic.
I'm not supposed to put this kind of thing on blast. But i've done some serious thinking and i want to put this out there.

In the past few weeks, i've blamed my alcohol consumption or certain drug abuse on the dilemmas that have happened in my life. YEah, when life throws a curve ball and i get high blood pressure at some point in my day, my mission is to escape on weekends and drink til i'm dillusional. It sounds idiotic. A lot of people would say it's therapeutic.

If it were every now and then, maybe therapeutic would be considered... but not every single time we hit the bar though... that's a different story. And i'm not just saying about the veteran club-goers who just drink to pass time and have fun... i'm talking about those of us who drink to forget. To escape the fact that reality is a bit tougher than we figured.
That was a lot harder to admit than i excpected.

I may be self destructing. I know for a fact that what i'm doing to myself can't be good. I've said it before, i'll say it again- my liver hates me. I wouldn't be surprised if my lungs did too... my brain wouldn't hesitate to jump in that same band wagon either.

Nobody ever said life was gonna be easy. Being given the gift to exist doesn't come with a warranty if something goes wrong. It's also not guaranteed satisfaction. Some people glide through life like pros (or so it seems), while others just can't keep up with the pace. Who's to say that you can handle whatever is thrown your way? How did it go? Right- "It wouldn't have presented itself to you if He knew you couldn't handle it".
Is it such a bad thing to try to get away from the unpleasant things that stare at you everyday?

I've formed my own little world and i haven't let anybody in. It's hard for me to do that. I'm always supposed to be okay. I'm always the one to pull through. I'm not the one that sits around and does nothing when i know there's work to be done and bills to be paid.
But nobody sees that.
Everyone is fighting a harder battle.

It's a sad realization to find it hard to be happy unless intoxicated. I refused to believe it until i woke up one morning not remembering a thing. I did it to myself for a reason... and denial is such a bitch. My worst enemy is most likely me.

I'm not being cynical. C'mon, the teenage junkie/alcoholic gag is so passe.
I'm coming clean... no pun intended.
Dependency and will power aren't as simple as they seem.

It all started with one night. Just to "get away". Stupidity can sometimes be synonymous to FUN. And the things you do in life, the choices we all make... well, they all come with a price. I'm not sticking around long enough to find out where this one could take me. I've read the articles and i've seen the documentaries. I'm not trying to prove i'm better than anyone else. I'm not trying to set some kind of record either.

I'm trying to make life better.
So much for the sweet escape.
I thought i was making life better... it took something completely idiotic to tell me that i was walking down the wrong alley.

To a certain extent, it does help. For a momement, i do escape. Everything is fine. But that's all a have- a moment. It's not permanent... well, atleast the experience isn't. The damage, however... well, that's a different story.
As human beings, we learn our greatest lessons through tragedy. Apparently, bad things have more of an impact than the good, happy stuff.
I'd much rather know that my real life is making an improvement rather than making myself "happy" a couple of times a week while i deteriorate from the inside.
Deal with it. Why should i trade in the rest of my life for a few retarded, artificial happiness moments?
I have so much to live for. I want to be around for a long time. Some people may think that this really is just nothing... I look at it as the first step to solving a problem.

Really, it's just not worth it...

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

One fine day

A day like any other.

I woke up to the words "i love you". I went out to buy eggs and made Dylan and the boys breakfast. I spent the morning watching Dylan's movies. We skipped lunch because breakfast was considered brunch. When Dylan went down for his nap, i spent the whole afternoon finishing the 2nd season of Prison Break (it's one of the worst series i have ever seen, but it kept me preoccupied for a few days).

We bought chicken for dinner and we had ice cream for dessert. I played with Dylan the rest of the night. I got kicked in the face, my hair was pulled, there were toys everywhere, the room was a mess, and Dylan was filthy. I gave Dylan a bath, my dad cleaned up his toys and now the ever-so-hyper 3 year old is getting ready for bed.

What an ordinary day. Nothing out of the norm.
I turned 24 today.

I've been waiting to turn 24 since i was 13, i think. I don't know why. I thought it had a nice ring to it. Ridiculous, yes. When we were young, we all just couldn't wait to grow up. "Grown up" lives looked fun and promising. Running our own lives and making our own decisions. Yet the older we get, we only long to be young once again. How ironic.

I haven't decided if this means anything yet... but shoot... i turned 24 today.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

True of False?

"Good guys finish last"

...or so they say. It can't be a cliche for nothing. They wouldn't make it a quote if there was no truth to it. It's been said plenty of times, over and over again. With that said... then damn, that sucks.

A few weeks ago, I was getting ready for work when my dad started watching a documentary about "the biggest kept secret of life--- the key to success". I couldn't help but listen. It sounded interesting. Turns out, it was nothing material, not something you go looking for... it's something psychological and you're meant to understand. It's called The Law of Attraction. You create your own patterns in life and pretty much should take responsibility for everything that happens to you. It's based on the things you believe in, your deepest wishes, your greatest dreams, what goes on in your head, things of that sort. I'm still trying to figure out whether or not i believe in it myself. I've experienced a few things in the past few weeks (maybe even months) that got me thinking about this...

Why is it that every time i try to do some good and make that extra effort to make life pleasant for everyone--- i end up getting screwed over? I try my best to do the right thing, with only the greatest of intentions in mind... and somehow, for some weird, god-forsaken reason, someone manages to conjure up this magic dark rain cloud and positions it right over me... and worse, gives it the command to rain. Not just sprinkle rain... i'm talking about downright, cats & dogs, POUR.

I believe i've had this problem for some time now. I attract people who can see right through me and decide that they'll suck me dry for everything i got, make their goods off me, and leave me with absolutely nothing. So, based on that Law... is it my fault? Being nice = human doormat. Nice guys really do finish last. huh?

It's not just me. Someone i know is exactly the same. No matter how good this person is, and how much he just wants to help people... it just seems like everything goes wrong. What in the world are we attracting here, exactly? I almost feel like we're jinxed. Okay, so it's obvious who i'm talking about here...
Believe it or not, we're kind of tagged as "the nice couple". Meaning, two really nice people who ended up together. You would think it would be smooth sailing and life is just dandy for two very nice people... but au contraire, we feel like an old doormat, with a washing long overdue.

I don't want to exaggerate here. It's not like we cheat death every single day and are completely lucky to be alive (in that sense). Yes, we have our good days and life is beautiful (every now and then)... but i'm just saying--- if good guys finish last and the bad guys get away with it in the end... then should we all just say "to hell with peace on earth and good will to men"? I mean, it's a whole lot easier to do the wrong thing than it is to think of others and do what you know is right.
They say that in business, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. People will bite heads off to get to the top. People lie, cheat, deceive, and do whatever it takes to get ahead. This is what they call SUCCESS.

True or False?
I need an answer because i have to make some major changes in my life. I think i've tried and tested a certain characteristic for a bit too long. If it's not worth it, someone please tell me now.

It's not a pretty world. I've seen people claim to be oh-so-good hearted, nurturing and caring, loving and loyal... but really, they're only self-obssessed, selfish, and they only put up a facade to play both sides of the game. Again--- lie, cheat, steal, and deceive. Wonderful. But they're living life, alright. Not a care in the world, come and go as they please... and the conscience is clear as day. Hey, whatever you gotta do to make it to the top, right? Well worth it, perhaps? They sure as hell make it look like it.

I'm not bitter. I just want to understand. I believe i've been doing the "right" thing... but if it's not gonna get me anywhere, i may as well start making some changes. Nobody's gonna take on my responsibilities for me... i've got mouths to feed and shit.

I'm not one to drop my principles and go against my values. I know the difference between right and wrong. I just don't want to be looking back at a life that felt so incomplete... and say to myself, "atleast, i did the right thing".
With children in mind and goals i'm determined to reach... the right thing just might not be worth it.
Unless i'm looking at this the wrong way... someone prove me wrong. I'd be glad to figure this out with happy endings exploding in all directions.

But if good guys finish last... i don't want to be a good guy anymore. I think that ship has set sail. It's a trip i don't want to be a part of anymore.
Been there, done that, got the battle scars to prove it.

However, people always tell me to stick to your principles, your time will come, stay the way you are- it will come back to you. Karma, they call it. What goes around, comes around. What's a little bit of sacrifice for eternal happiness? riiiiiight.
If all that turns out to be a load of crap, then i'm screwed. Being the bad guy is just starting to look more and more appealing, i'm telling you.

We're a dying breed. Give us hope... because i know for a fact that there are people out there trying to do the right thing everyday. They put their hearts into this and believe that some kind of good has to come of it.

Good guys finish last--- i seriously hope not.

Monday, June 25, 2007

We got jokes


A monkey is sitting in a tree blazing a jay when a lizard walks past
and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking some herb, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few
joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to
get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a jay
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Faaaaaaark dude....... how much water
did you drink?"


Sunday, June 24, 2007

We have lift off

It wasn't easy.
That's an understatement... it was a pain in the ass and i never wanna do it again. But i'm proud to announce that the packing has been done, we've said goodbye to Valenzuela (thank God), and have finally settled in at the new apartment in QC. *phew*

I was so lucky that i didn't have to do it all on my own. Ian actually got a few days off work to help me out. I'm glad he did... because i seriously think i would have lost my mind if i had to do all that by myself.
It was a headache and a half... and the people we had to deal with to get everything done, i'd be happy to never see again.
Incompetent people... HUGE pet peeve. We seem to be surrounded by them. The use of common sense turns out to be not so common.

But all that aside, and leaving the Valenzuela experience behind (forever), i hope this new move brings bigger and better things.

**i'd write a whole lot more except i'm tired, hungover (yes, at 11pm), and my brain just refuses to function. The weekend was crazy, once again.
My body hates me. My liver is angry, i'm sure. I need to practice restraint. Will power. How am i gonna keep up with this?
We're a bunch of alcoholics.
FRIDAY NIGHT AT PORCH was one crazy experience... and i don't think we've had THAT MUCH fun in years! Insanity & retardation, i tell you. But that's another story for another day.

I'm gonna go repair my brain.
I plan to do absolutely nothing this week.
I'm gonna spend it with Dylan and it's gonna be fun. =)

Monday, June 18, 2007


Just when the entertainment/movie industry had me thinking that they were running out of ideas... incredible, really.

Check this...

Now, that was fun... =)

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Mission accomplished

I danced like it was 2001.
I did my thing... and it felt great.
Music was my drug and the vibe was on point.
For a fraction of a moment... the reality of my life was put on hold.
It was exactly what i needed...
Special thanks to the people i kick it with and the new faces i met tonight.
I may have been trashed beyond comprehension... but i remember it all. Every single bit of it. Good times.

Honorable mention:
Happy Daddy's day y'all. To the greatest man i know, who inspires me everyday, and guides me towards the right path. My hero.
I'm a daddy's girl, what can i say?
Peace, true love, & happiness. =)

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Pasensya na

Can i be blamed, really?
If you found a sack on the street with 100,000 pesos in it, would you devote all your time and energy into finding the poor soul who lost it and is probably devastated over his/her loss OR would you just keep it? Finders keepers, right?
Let's be honest... majority of the population would keep it. It's a known fact- money makes the world go round.

Ian "lost" his phone the other day. SOmeone managed to pick it up and, with our luck, decided that out of the goodness of his/her heart, they would return it to us- asking for nothing in return.
A little fishy if you ask me. I've seen enough bullshit and heard enough nightmare stories that i'm somewhat paranoid when it comes to dealing with people i've never met before, not exactly well-off, and insisting we meet at THEIR house, AT NIGHT, in a place nobody knows anything of.

The first time they contacted me was through a phone call. They called me with Ian's number and told me about what had happened. Afterwards, they just kept on texting me, asking when we would pick up the unit. Out of curiosity, and in an effort to keep the bullshit to a minimum, i went straight to the point and asked how much they were asking for in return for the phone. The reply was something i didn't expect:
"Anong akala mo sa amin? Mukang pera? Kung masama and intensyon namin, hnde na namin isosoli itong cp nyo."
Basically, it says that i'm accusing them of being "money hungry" and they're telling me that if they had bad intentions, they wouldn't even try to return the phone at all.

1. People with the worst intentions usually get defensive quick.
2. A guilt trip would force us to feel bad for even thinking that- therefore conceding to their wishes.
3. It just might exactly be what they wanted.
4. Just a theory- they go to the place (that they know nothing of, at night, meeting peple they know nothing about- do the math)... not only do they not get the phone... but they're also robbed of everything they have on them and maybe even beaten to a pulp--- just for fun. Shoot, maybe even by the entire barangay. WHo knows?

I texted back with an apology and tried to make the conversation more pleasant... but they attacked me even more trying to make me feel bad about what i asked. SO i stopped texting. I thought, hey, it's lost. If someone else found it, i wouldn't have to be doing this. I don't have to do this. Either way, it's gone.

Today, they called me again. I picked up because i thought it was really Ian. (all his numbers are under the same name, so if he was calling from the house, it would look exactly the same if it were his cel calling).
This time, they were willing to meet at a place WE suggested and once again assured me that all intentions are good and sincere. They explained to me that they would rather have the rightful owners get their phone back instead of it ending up with some drug addict (who apparently, tried to fight the guy who originally found it, just so he could have it for himself) or the corrupted police (who are supposedly walking around using the unit right now).
They said that because a fight broke out for the phone, the cops came in, stopped the brawl, and confiscated the phone. It's now sitting in the barangay police station at some place in Malabon. Who knows anything about Malabon? What's there?

Anyway... i don't know what's gonna happen yet. Ian doesn't really have time to meet up with anyone, let alone strangers claiming to have his phone, willing to go out of their way, for him, out of the goodness of their hearts.
Could it be true? Modern day good samaritans?

Was i wrong for assuming that they would automatically ask for money?
I don't have a lot of faith in people. NOt anymore. I used to. I still kind of do. But not a lot. I get paranoid a lot now because of things that i have experienced, stories i've heard, and the stuff that i've seen. It really isn't a pretty world. Better safe than sorry. Everybody has put walls up to protect themselves and people are more cautious nowadays- more than ever.
Gone are the days when people used to sleep at night with their front doors left unlocked. People in this country walk with their backpacks strapped to their front. Women clutch onto their bags and are constantly looking over their shoulder.

If this turns out to be a genuine case of the good samaritan... well then, i'll be damned. Shit. Good for you, you know? It's a dying breed. But if it turns out the way we expected... well shit. Why am i not surprised?

We'll see...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Lookout weekend...

"Jumping music, slick deejays,
Fog machines and laser rays
Lookout weekend cause, here I come
Because weekends were, made for fun
-Debbie Deb

I'm on a mission.
See you guys at RoCkCaNdy tomorrow night & Jaipur on Saturday.
And i never thought i'd be saying this... but i think i need it... so i'm kinda looking forward to it.
I need a vacation more... but for now, this will have to do.

Ambassador of Kwan

This is gonna sound completely insane, but- i just saw Jerry Maguire for the first time last night.
Well, when the movie came out, i think i was in 6th grade, so i wasn't really watching a lot of movies or even just television. I always had something to do, be it homework or school activities/sports, or lounging with friends.
So yeah, i never got to see it until last night.

One word.
I haven't seen a good movie in a while and seeing this movie last night was something i thoroughly enjoyed. It wasn't straight drama nor was it a complete chick flick. The story actually made sense, had a point, and it was fully entertaining all the way. I found it to be a good balance of everything that i like.

And in some weird way... i found myself actually relating to Renee Zellweger's character- Dorothy. A single mom who gave up on love and jumped at the opportunity to find it once again. She was working her ass off to raise a child and was looking for inspiration. It's a good thing when you get that feeling that there are other people out there who can fully understand you.
"I'm the oldest 26 year old in the world!"
"Maybe love shouldn't be such hard work."
"...practical? Dont tell me to be practical. Do you know what other women my age are doing right now? They're out. Trying to find a man, trying to keep a man. Oh, not me, im trying to raise a man."
haha! yeah... you get my point.

I miss those days when movies were made to hit you this way. A lot of the time, especially these days, they're made strictly for entertainment. It's all about the special effects and the crazy technology used to make the film (but the story sucks!). There was a time when movies were made to give us a glimpse of certain things we strive for. They would remind us of principles and values that we tend to forget. We get so caught up in our lives and worrying about problems and trying to correct mistakes that when we find time to sit down and watch these things, we remember a time when we used to live for the simpler things in life.
I seriously miss being 10 years old.

So this movie is about a go-getter-living-in-the-fast-lane type of guy, in a dog-eat-dog world, who is all of a sudden struck by his good natured conscience. By trying to do the right thing, he loses everything in the process... but by sticking to his principles (along with hard work and persistence), he gains everything that is important and all that matters to him in his lifetime. *sigh* haha.
Moral of the story: do the right thing. It pays off in the end, believe it or not. Even if you have to go through hell first before you get there.

It sounds a lot easier than it really is... but don't we all try to do the right thing most of the time? I know i do. And in all honesty, i find that it breaks me more than it helps me. But i like to think that this kind of attitude pays off eventually. The world must be completely fucked up if it supported all the "bad" people. Majority of the time, it sure looks like it does.

Time and time again i find myself constantly being tested. The world just trying my patience, glaring at me and waiting for me to fall off the edge... until i'm hanging by my fingertips pleading for help. I eventually find myself back on my feet again- the process of free-climbing myself up the cliff almost a blur, i'm just relieved that it's over, really. So i breath a sigh of relief... only to find myself in the same predicament in the near future.
It's a vicious cycle.

I've always been the eternal optimist though... and i always dust myself off and manage to stand on my own two feet. It's the story of my life.
But i wanna be inspired.

I find that i'm not aiming for the best things in life anymore... but i do want the good things. I want stability, not filthy rich. I want spare time with good friends and a family that i love, who love me in return. I wanna raise my children right and take care of the man who loves me. I want the good "little" things.
I'd be a damn liar if i said i didn't want a Porsche, but that's beside the point. Even if i had all the money in the world and all the luxuries life has to offer... if i have nobody to share it with, it would mean nothing to me.
A husband that works day in and day out... but i never got to talk to- useless. I'd be miserable. Even if he bought me diamonds- what would i do with diamonds? They would sit in my box and do nothing. They'd be blood diamonds too... (i'm only joking. really.)
Work for the things you want in life... work hard. But don't work too hard that you find yourself not being able to enjoy what you make.

I'm not complaining... just venting. I'm blessed in certain aspects of my life, and i know that. I'm lucky enough to experiece some things that most people only dream of having... and others will never find. And i'm thankful.
I'm not asking for much... not the best, just the good things.
Success has a different definition for everyone.
I'm working on my kind of success... it might not mean the same thing to others, but i know what's important to me.

If you haven't seen Jerry Maguire. I strongly suggest you take time out to see it.

Dicky Fox: "Hey... I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I have failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my life. I love my wife. And I wish you my kind of success."

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Outta the blue

My TOP 10 issues for the week:

1. Is it really Wednesday again? I don't understand why time flies so damn fast nowadays. I thought the weekend just ended, and now i find myself in the middle of the week with a ton of things to do. I have to go to work tonight.

2. Packing someone else's things is a lot more complicated than i expected. I don't think i'm anywhere near done... and i already spent 2 weekends trying to finish up. How the hell am i gonna do this?

3. I've been trying to come up with a name for my jewelry line... and so far i've come up with- nothing. This may seem like something petty... but it means a lot to me. It's like naming your child. haha! It has to hit me... and so far, i haven't been struck yet.

4. I've been trying really hard to find extra time to spend with Ian. But our schedules and our body clocks clash so much that it's almost impossible to kick it. I'm convinced that this might be how things are going to be until he leaves- and that really sucks. Rotations are only gonna get crazier... and when i miss someone, my defense mechanism takes over and i try to distract myself with other things. I'm not so sure if that's a good thing.

5. I finally got a taxi service. Well... i'll find out for sure tonight. It all depends on whether he replies to my text or not and actually comes to pick me up in front of my house.
I've been doing a certain routine for quite a while now- in terms of going to work. I step out onto the same curb at exactly the same times on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Satrudays. I think the people who kick it at that corner have noticed... and last week, i found myself surrounded by 5 men asking me questions and trying to touch me. So f**k that. I've had it with that stupid corner and sweating my ass off, in the heat (or the rain), inhaling carbon monoxide, the creepy staring and the dumb yelling and "pssst" and "hoy!"s that come along with it. I think avoiding all that is worth an extra 30-50 pesos. Why not? Comfort costs money... it's the sad reality of things.

6. I remember giving in all the papers and requirements for Dylan's birth certificate a long ass time ago. What the hell happened? Yeah, it's been 3 years since he was born. I'm very well aware of that. Don't ask. Long story. And no, it's not MY fault. *ahem ahem*

7. I told myself a few weeks ago that i should shop more often. Well, i go out a lot and the clothes i have on rotation are... well... just not enough. I wouldn't be surprised if i took someone i know aside and asked him/her to name every single article of clothing i have in my closet- and they'd be able to tell me.(Okay, that might be a bit exaggerated, but you get my point)
Anyway, i'm supposed to be buying atleast 1 article of clothing once a week. The only problem is... i can't find anything that i like (that i can afford at the same time). When i have money, there's nothing to buy. When i'm broke, i find myself wanting to buy a million things. Ironic, isn't it? Yeah, that's usually how it is.

8. I need to update all my music and (i hate this part) change most of my CDs. They work with the good equipment... but it just sucks when i need to play something and damn player won't read it. Yeah, yeah, i'd use Serrato... but i need a laptop first. I have a thing with using other people's things. I don't like being held liable for ANYTHING that happens to it. I'd rather not add that extra stress to my life.
Which brings me to my next issue...

9. After the incident with my headphones breaking last week (the left ear piece SNAPPED off, and no, i was not the one using them when it happened)... and nobody taking the blame for it or willing to help me out with the damage... i'm a little bit shocked that they still pick it up and use it without even asking me. Am i really that nice?
I think it should be a DJ rule to have your own stuff. Damn, those things are NOT cheap. And THOSE ones in particular meant a LOT to me. Shoot... it looks like RoboCop now. Or like my headphones went to the dentist and got braces. They drilled holes on the side and put wires through it to hold together... and used a lot of superglue. My dad added an extra bracket over it just to make sure it doesn't snap off again in the middle of a gig.
Typical me, never says shit. That's what i get for being too nice. Nobody suffers but me in the end, right? Now the sound quality is starting to get crappy.
Look, i have no problem with sharing. I never have. I just wish that people would respect me enough to be considerate with my stuff, especially since i'm so careful and i take care of my things.
Just talking about this makes me sad. I'll have to work for some new ones... and then i can let whoever use the broken ones. Hey, better than nothing, right? Shiiiit... you got something to say? Buy your own shit. Peace.

10. I have to enroll Dylan into some sort of Pre-school or Gymboree classes or something. He needs to start socializing with people his size. haha! =) He gets really shy around other kids. He's aggressive and loud, he doesn't shut up, he's really rough and never stops moving... but put him in a room with a bunch of toddlers- the guy becomes incredibly discreet.
Of course, this means, additional expenses and making room for extra time to be able to take him there and back home. *ahem ahem*
A little help would be much appreciated... but that's not so reliable these days. Hopefully, it works out. We'll see.


**does it sound like stress-galore? that sucks. I think i need to make some changes in my life.
Gotta find something happy to write about too. hmm...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Deafening Silence

It's a mess.
The bed isn't made, shoes & clothes are scattered everywhere, boxes are being filled here and there, papers are piled up in sections, and the shelves are starting to look bare.
I hate packing.

This is a reminder that in 3 months time he's really leaving for good.
It kills me.

I've been in this room by myself for over 32 hours now and, unless i'm on the phone, i don't think i've uttered a single word. The silence is so great, i feel as if i've gone completely deaf.

We tried to make this place feel like home as best we could. It was a horrible start, but we got used to it all, eventually. We have mixed emotions about leaving this forsaken place. We're convinced that nothing good has come from being here. It was nothing but a headache.
The journey we have to go through just to grab something to eat. The traffic and the cabs that refuse to take us here because it's too damn far. The retarded building that charge an arm and a leg for a tiny room, useless cable, slow internet, and the rigged electricity & water bills. The laundry people who steal the nice shirts, our carpet, and manage to destroy brand new articles of clothing without knowing how it all happened. Right. Welcome to Valenzuela.
But this was also the milestone that got us out of our rut. There were transformations, as well as a good share of our stories to tell.
Yeah, we have mixed emotions about leaving this forsaken place.

6 years worth of "stuff" to be packed and put away in the span of days. The room isn't very big, but it's not as easy as you may think, really. This is my 4th attempt on packing all by myself, and so far, i've done 4 boxes. The room just looks like a tornado went through it and someone came in the middle of the night and took everything we had stacked on the shelves.
The shoes. What am i gonna do about the shoes?

I know a part of me is procrastinating... saying goodbye to this place is almost synonymous to saying goodbye to Ian.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Silver Lining

"Every cloud has a silver lining..."

"Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit."

The greatest things i have experienced in my life, the ones i am most grateful for, and have made me extremely happy, all started with a downfall. The result of something i thought broke my spirit. There's a reason for everything... i truly believe that. Now, more than ever. As stupid as chliches may seem (and they're the worst when you're not in the mood to hear them), they're cliches for a reason. They really do mean something.

The past 4 years of my life made me feel more "grown up" than ever. At first, i found it to be so unfair... to hand over a burden to someone so young. Was it not enough that i wasn't able to achieve certain dreams and goals that i had planned for myself? Did i not step up to my responsibilities enough? I thought it was all enough. I thought i had paid my dues. I thought wrong.

I started making my own money at the age of 17. The same year i stopped getting an allowance. I never set foot on a college campus with the intention of learning or going to school. It was always just for a visit... even though growing up as a geek, it was the only thing i ever wanted after high school. Yes, i live for white picket fences, SUVs, the modern woman and the whole shebang. I wanted the picture perfect life. I grew up in a small city, the homey environment, friendly faces, and pretty neighborhoods... other than that, i guess you can say it's just in my nature.

I didn't grow up with the easiest life. Then again, nobody did. We all think we have our own problems to deal with, but right now, i'm not really vying for the "my-so-called-life-sucked-and-i-deserve-a-break" award. I'm heading towards a more positive note... that the shitty things in life happen for a reason, no matter how unbearable they may seem at that point.

The Surprise
I had Dylan when i was 20 years old. My sister just turned 20 about 3 months ago... and i can't imagine someone that young stepping up to something so serious. Being a parent is no joke. A single parent, at that. Kudos to those who have become parents at an even younger age and managed to get by alright.
I'm not ashamed to admit that, the first time i found out i was pregnant, i thought it was the end of the world. Human nature. My life had just begun and there were so many things going on in my life that still had to be dealt with. I couldn't handle a baby. Not just yet.
It wasn't a walk in the park trying to get used to the fact that i was about to bring another human being into the world. But i gathered every ounce of strength i had in me, tried to do everything right during the pregnancy, and was blessed with a wonderful baby boy.
He's the most incredible person to me, and i would not trade him in for anything. I can't imagine life without him and i love him with everything that i am.
Huge turn-around isn't it? From my life being over to receiving the greatest gift i could ever ask for?
How typical.
It's no secret he was unplanned. I'm only being honest.
And yes, it does get tough, and it does make things a lot more difficult having to support and raise a child... only parents may understand this. But it truly is worth it.

The Loss
Dylan's dad and i decided to end the relationship when Dylan was only 10 months old. Yes, i called it, he didn't want it that way... and at the end of it all- i think people saw me as the bitch who ruined the "family". It's common for people to believe this because in their eyes, nobody could be nicer than this guy. His reputation was built upon how "nice" he was. You wouldn't believe me unless you actually know him...
I made a decision and stuck with it. I grew up with a big family, my parents were always around, and my siblings were always my playmates. I grew up loving the family environment. This was important to me. It was something he wasn't.
I made the move, not just for myself, but for Dylan as well. I tried everything to make it work. I begged, and pleaded, adjusted, made my own sacrifices... even threatened to leave... only to have the same result- nothing.
A bona fide workaholic, it was his nature. I wasn't gonna put up with this for the rest of my life. I couldn't. It was so against my principles and i did what i felt was the healthier option for me and my child.
The love and the friendship diminished along with the relationship. Someone who i once considered to be my best friend and someone i loved deeply, little by little, turned into a stranger. The phone calls stopped and the texts became minimal. There were no more exchanges of words to support each other. Just plain communication. Exchange of information.
More often than not, i channel a lot of my frustration towards him. I think of everything i had to go through, both physically and mentally. The changes and the pain i had to endure. My life completely flipped on me... and he went about like nothing ever changed. Like having a kid was the same thing as buying just another pair of shoes. He always did have someone else to clean up after his own mess.
Sometimes i'm appauled at how i think of someone who used to be so important to me. Am i really that bitter? Can i be blamed though?
You will never fully understand until you see it through my eyes. Until you fill in my shoes and walk through every single heartwrenching moment i had to live through. Life was great when it was just the two of us... but the minute responsibility put its foot through the door, i felt as if i had to go through it alone. Abandoned, almost. I gave up everything i knew to make it easy for him (i stand by this, and those who dare refute me will lose, i guarantee it). I got excuses in return and a fight that wasn't even fought for.
I'm glad marriage was never something i opted for. That would have made the situation even more of a nightmare- tenfold.

So there i was. A single parent. A "fatherless" child. What good could possibly come of it?
Moving back with my family gave me the freedom to have a life of my own but at the same time still be the mom i'm supposed to be.
Dylan is now growing up in a healthy family environment- 2 moms, outstanding father figures, and an aunt and 2 uncles that are more like siblings than authority figures who love him with every fiber in their body.
A huge change that scared me in the beginning opened up doors to something that made life that much better. Thank goodness.

The Tragedy
2 years ago i experienced something i wish upon nobody.
An incident that happened in a club resulted in gunfire that killed a man and injured 6 others. I was one of the injured. I wasn't able to walk for about 3 months and nearly lost the use of my right leg- thank goodness i didn't, and i was even considered to be the luckiest out of the bunch. And by luck, i really mean luck. (You can check out the blog i posted about the eperience here).
I became angry, bitter, paranoid, and lost faith in people so quickly. It changed me as a person and started to become someone i didn't quite like.
It was hard for me to deal with because not only did it leave a scar on my leg- it scarred me mentally. So much hate and anger accumulated inside me.
I had just started getting my life back on track and was taking care of my son. I didn't do anything wrong.
Little did i know that something so tragic would lead to better things in life.**
As stupid as the following may sound... bear with me. It is merely a perspective and something that i have pondered upon over and over again in the past 2 years. I'm convinced i have finally made sense of it.

It gave me the extra nudge (more like, shove, even) to gather up enough strength to move out of my ex's house and stay with my family permanently. I have this problem of being too nice and i didn't wanna deprive them of experiencing life with Dylan... so i made that sacrifice and couldn't stand up for myself- no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel.
I got out of there permanently and yes, i think it was the "easy" way out. I did it without confrontation (i tend to avoid conflict and personal confrontation), and most people would call me chicken. I'm still learning. I hope that one day, i get over this fear and prevent people from stepping all over me.

It opened my eyes to the option of a better life- anywhere but here. I realized that this is not the ideal place to be raising a family to my liking and this incident motivated me to take the necessary steps to finding a better life elsewhere. I wouldn't have accepted it, otherwise.

It drove me straight into the path of a man i fell in love with.
After Dylan was born and the break up with his father, i kind of accepted the fact that it could just be Dylan and i for the rest of my life. I totally scratched off the possibility of a happy marriage and even life with a big family. I didn't think it would be possible and i was traumatized for certain reasons. I shunned commitment and said that i would do with my life what i want without having to look for love. I've gone this far on my own, i can do it for a whole lot longer.
Being injured did a lot of things to me. It hurt me physically and i was mentally disturbed. I sank into a deep depression and found refuge in someone i had only started to really know just a week before it all happened. I had known him for years but our relationship wasn't anything solid. Friends, but more of an acquaintance, really.
Interesting enough, he was the only person who made me feel like the world was still a good place. When everything was chaotic, i found peace with him and felt safety like i never have before. He was my silver lining.
I had great difficulty taking care of Dylan at the time because my leg put limitations on what i could do. This only depressed me even more... my parents constantly had to tell him not to go near me because he could hurt me even more. It broke my heart.
My dad thought that i needed all the help i could possibly get- anything to get me out of the rut i was in. Ian was my ticket. The only reason i was ever able to spend so much time with him was because of my injury. He was studying to be a doctor, my parents trusted him enough knowing he could take care of me. I couldn't take care of Dylan, so i might as well spend my healing time doing something for my own good. Ian was my therapy.
He was more of a refuge than a getaway. It never would have happened if it wasn't for my injury. I truly believe that. I would have remained the devoted, single mom, shunning love and working too hard.
Something we both didn't expect- we fell head over heels in love and couldn't do without each other. 2 years down the road, we're more in love than ever and we're even working towards a future together. The most incredible man i have ever met and the greatest love i have ever experienced.

The Conclusion
There is always a balance in life. The greatest things in life come from hardship. It is earned... and most of the time unexpected.
A rainbow only comes out after it rains.

I'm writing about this because i'm about to make some big decisions in my life. Decisions that scare the crap out of me and i know, without a doubt, that some f***ed up $#!+ is coming along with it. I'm looking forward to the pay off... but dreading the journey to get there.
I'm constantly trying to remind myself that only good can come of it... that everything will turn out okay in the end. But it's always easier said than done. Always.
That's just something i'm gonna have to deal with.
I need constant reminding that the hardship i'm about to go through is gonna be worth it.

i'm not saying anyone should go out and get shot or look for tragedies or depend on mishaps to turn their life around. I really just meant that shitty things open doors for better things. It's like the slap in the face to wake you the f*** up. I'll leave it at that. I really don't see a reason why i should be defending myself here.

iN a NutSheLL

where do i even begin?
i'll start with the gist, shall i?

* My son, Dylan Matthew, just recently turned 3 last month. He has grown so much in the past 2 years, it's hard to grasp at times. A full blown human being. Running, talking, making decisions, being independent, knowing what he wants... incredible. I always thought my parents were insane when they told me that i would never understand "love" like theirs until i had children of my own... but they were so right.
Unconditional love magnified.
He is the most incredible thing in my life right now. He truly makes me proud.
It's been tough... but he makes it all worth it.
I'm not gonna make it seem like rainbows and dandelions... sure, he gives me and my family the occassional headaches... haha! but the guy knows how to make up for it. What can i say? I'll give him that.

* I started working again late last year. DJ Teaze back in full effect. Considering myself lucky to have landed a spot working with people i actually like (and have learned to love. haha)... doing something i actually like to do. The hours are long, the requirements insane, pay could be better... but i'm not one to complain. Millions would gladly fill in my shoes in a heartbeat.
Yes, i like what i do.
So if you have the time... allow me to put this on blast real quick:
UpGraDe @ WaREHouSe 135 every Wednesdays
Candy Fridays @ RoCkCandY every... you guessed it.
Soulistic Saturdays @ Jaipur

we know how to have fun... and it's an important thing, trust me.

* If you ask anyone, i'll be the first to admit it... i've fallen head-over-heels in love. If you revisit my old blog, i write about something i found 2 years ago... in someone i've known for years. As much as we tried to get rid of each other... it just didn't happen. Sticking together through and through... i think i managed to find my soulmate in someone who has been a friend, popping in and out of my life occassionally, in the past 7 years. Incredible.
He has made me happier than i could have ever imagined and i honestly couldn't ask for anyone better. He might not be Mr. Right for everyone... but i'm happy he turned out to be Mr. Right for me. =)

* "Friends come and go... but the memories last forever"
My closest friends are now, officially, scattered all over the globe... and i find myself, yet again, left alone in this jungle we call home.
Canada, London, Australia, Germany, & Guam. We've all come so far.
Starting families, building careers, falling in love... lives that were intertwined at one point, branched out to go on with their own. We don't talk everyday or write each other every week... but i know the love is there.

This has forced me to start branching out, once again, on my own. I've formed bonds with new people... and still meeting new people every week. I went through a certain point in my life where i thought i was content with the people i knew and decided i didn't really have anough confidence in the human race to start making new friends all over again... but hey, nothing bad has come from it. I'm in the clear, so far.
It's also part of work... so i got over my anti-social self and started taking an interest in other peoples' lives once again. It's been fun, it's been interesting... but make no mistake, my walls are higher than ever and thicker than they ever have been. I'm not stupid. I learned the hard way.

Another thing: due to certain events that i experienced in the past, with my best interest in mind, i was forced to drop close relations to a number of people. I'm happy with my decision and wouldn't change it for anything.
"birds of the same feather flock together"
I paid my dues... scared the living shit outta me and i want nothing more to do with it. I have nothing against them. I just prefer to not be associated with certain people because i have more important things to worry about.
You can't blame me, really. I know people have my back on this... and i'm not scared to voice out my opinion. You see it through my eyes and tell me whether or not you would do the same thing. For your sake, i hope you make the right decision.
In fairness, they were good friends and a lot of fun. We just weren't on the same boat in terms of priorities... and i think i'll leave it at that. Great people in their own right... not the flock for me.
I sincerely wish them the best of luck.

In other news...

* I'm reaching a turning point in my life. I have to make decisions real soon and real quick. It's not the kind where i pick on what i'm having for dinner--- more like long term life situation decisions.
It's scaring the crap out of me.
I have never been a fan of change.
Take note: HUGE difference between change and spontaneity.
I like comfort. HUGE difference between comfort and routine.
Don't get it twisted.
I have this love-hate relationship with the motherland. I'll talk smack about it every now and then... yet i find myself getting defensive when someone says something bad about it... even if it happens to be true.
Economy sucks, the environment is only getting worse, the living situation is crap... but there's something about being here that feels so much like "home".
NOt because this is where i grew up... but maybe because it's all i know... and i'm scared to make that first step out of here...
Everyone knows it's better to be anywhere but here (with the exceptions of a few other 3rd world countries). So why is it so damn hard?

* It's all about decisions. Family, Home, Child, Spouse, Friends, Work. The little things that make life what it is... the little things that matter. The little things that actually turn out to be the biggest things.
I've been making progress. In all honesty, life is a lot better right now than it was 2 years ago... kudos to that. =)
Chaos is a part of life... we all have good days, we all have ugly ones.
Decisions will always have to be made... but i've been a procrastinator all my life... i don't think that's gonna change any time soon.

I'll be posting up here as frequent as i can. It helps me motivate and put things into perspective. Comments and criticism are always welcome...